This Week's Top Celebrity News: A Satirical Roundup (November 2, 2020)

• 1. Kim Kardashian's 40th birthday party for 30 of her closest friends on a private island goes ahead, despite global pandemic.

  
  via mockdiaries

  Kim Kardashian celebrated her 40th birthday on a private island and decided it was a good idea to brag about it on the internet. It absolutely was. The memes at her expense are priceless.

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• 2. Scarlett Johansson gets married for the third time, but insists this time is forever.

  
  via mockdiaries

  Scarlett Johansson swore forever love to Colin Jost over the weekend in a beautiful, intimate ceremony surrounded by their closest friends and family. The same friends and family who saw her swear forever love to Ryan Reynolds in 2008 and Romain Dauriac in 2013.

• 7. Beyoncé takes a step back from music. Wtf.

  
  via mockdiaries

  Beyoncé, who has been working nonstop since she was 15, said she is finally ready to slow down and spend more time with her three kids. It is unclear how the kids, who were not consulted, feel about this.

• 4. Brad Pitt and 27-year-old German model Nicole Poturalksi broke up, proving the most beautiful man in the world is impossible to love.

  
  via mockdiaries

  Brad Pitt is officially single again. The actor and his 27-year-old German model girlfriend Nicole Poturalksi called the relationship quits. Apparently, it was never as serious as the media made Brad Pitt believe.

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• 5. Grimes and Elon Musk’s 5-month-old son X Æ A-XII is already showing signs of being a pretentious oddball.

  
  via mockdiaries

  Grimes says that her and Elon Musk's 5-month-old son X Æ A-XII is really into radical art and enjoys watching R-rated war drama movies with her. Whatever happened to just bragging about your baby eating solid food?

• 6. Gwen Stefani and Blake Sheldon got engaged. No more sweet escape for her!

  
  via mockdiaries

  Blake Shelton proposed to Gwen Stefani in Oklahoma over the weekend. And she said yes! Otherwise, he'd probably be keeping that to himself.

• 7. Kate Middleton becomes the master of disguises.

  
  via mockdiaries

  Kate Middleton took her kids on a secret museum outing and no one recognized her. She says the key was to cover her head with a large hat and not wear Prince William on her arm.

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