Sacred Cows

BIG MONEY WEEK (SCRIPT 3)

Genre: Political Comedy/Satire
Premise: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
About: This script sold for 2 million dollars in 1990. Adjusted for inflation that would be 3.3 million today. One of the most famous (infamous) spec scripts in history. Why? The premise of course. For those not in the know, Joe Eszterhas, who wrote Basic Instinct, is the most successful screenwriter in history. There was a time when any piece of paper that even got close to his typewriter would sell for a cool million. He sold Basic Instinct for 3 million, Jade for 2.5 million, Showgirls for 2 million, Reliable Sources (unproduced) for 2 million, Male Pattern Baldness (unproduced) for 2 million. And that’s not including the ridiculous amounts of money he got paid for assignment work.
Writer: Joe Eszterhas
Details: 125 pages (April 1, 1990)

Joe Esztheras

There’s a telling clue that you’re in for a strange ride when you open Sacred Cows. The date on the title page reads “April’s Fool, 1990.” I toiled over this strange detail for hours. Was this merely a fancy way of writing down April 1st? Or did Joe Eszterhas fool Hollywood into one of the biggest April Fool’s pranks in history? Or is the April Fool’s prank on us, years later, who’ve been told this screenplay actually sold for 2 million dollars? I mean, it can’t really have been sold for 2 million dollars, right? Not with this premise. There’s no way.

Sacred Cows is about a presidential election for the ages. Jim Taylor, a sort of young sleazy Republican, pushes the “us” campaign. There are many countries struggling across the world. But Taylor’s tired of the way the U.S. throws money at them. What about our country? Why aren’t we investing these dollars in the good ole U. S. of A? On the flip side is Democrat incumbent Sam Parr, 64, an old codger who’s obsessed with India for some reason. The people there are poor. Their economy is non-existent. India needs help. And it’s the United States who can give it to them.


On the outside, Parr embodies the selfless big-hearted moral human being we all aspire to be. But Sam’s got some demons mixed up with all those organs inside his body, namely that he’s obsessed with fucking women. He's been doing it ever since he got in this whole political game, and his his woman du jour is a big name foxy reporter who - surprise surprise - will do anything for a story.

A day before the first official debate, Taylor’s team sends Parr’s team a message. They wanna talk. It’s important. So Taylor and Parr meet in a dark room minutes before the debate, and Taylor tells him he wants him to drop out of the race. If he doesn’t, he’ll release to the world Parr's giant secret. We glean from Parr’s expression that whatever this doozy is, it’s big. The kind of thing that makes fucking a network reporter look like a teleprompter mishap.

The next day Parr’s team receives photographic evidence of this secret: Parr, in a barn, FUCKING A COW. Yes, you read that right. Parr is a cow-fucker. Well, he’s not a serial cow fucker. He used to fuck cows as a boy but he hasn’t fucked a cow in over 50 years. Until now. It just so happened that on a recent trip to his childhood home, he got a little nostalgic and…well…decided to give it to Bessie.


Politics is all about spinning. It’s one of the first things you learn when you run for office. But how in the hell do you spin fucking a cow? Parr’s cabinet improvises, doing the best they can with what they've got. Maybe they can spin it as a calculated move. The Muslims hate us, are always committing acts of terrorism against us. By fucking a cow, we piss off the Hindus (who hold cows sacred), and since Muslims hate Hindus, by association the Muslims will now love us. Terrorism over.

Which is fine. But Parr is horrified by what he's done to the carefully crafted relations he’s built up with the Hindus (remember, that was his whole campaign). The Hindus are, understandably, outraged. You don't exactly break out the champagne when the man in the most powerful position in the world literally FUCKS the animal you hold most sacred. These things don’t go over well. Or so I’ve heard.

No time to worry about that though because a National Enquirer like paper called “The Snitch,” picks up the story and releases a photo of Parr fucking the cow. Luckily it’s dark and grainy and because it’s The Snitch, there’s reason to doubt its authenticity. But it’s just real-looking enough to get the public stirring. Could it really be true? Where’s the beef? It’s in the cow.


In the meantime, his wife, his son, his daughter, and his mistress are all horrified by the revelation. Each feels that their name has been shamed and that they’ll be laughing stocks for the rest of their lives. That is IF the picture is real – which is still a matter of debate. During this time, all the major papers try to decide what to do with the story. Do they really run a headline painting their president as a cow-fucker?

His wife is so devastated that she runs off. Parr is concerned enough that he jumps in a gardener’s truck and chases after her. The Chief Of Staff as well as the rest of the White House is horrified to learn that they have no idea where the President Of The United States is. An already cataclysmic situation has gone nuclear.

The story kinda shifts gears and gets into Parr and his wife’s relationship. They’ve had an understanding throughout their marriage that Parr is going to chase younger tail (oops, bad choice of words) but he will always come back to her. The arrangement has worked until now but I suppose there’s an unwritten rule that when you fuck a cow, all bets are off. His wife doesn’t know if she can get over this one.


Naturally, Parr’s 28 point lead plummets and it becomes abundantly clear he’s got no shot at re-election. The last thing he can do is fly to India and try to repair his relationship with the Hindus. American flag-burning demonstrations have over-taken the country and the resulting violence has led to hundreds of deaths. The president, who up to this point has not given a definitive answer on whether he did or did not fuck that cow, goes to the heart of Calcutta where he gives an internationally televised speech, admitting his crime, and apologizing for it. India is thankful. They accept his apology, and of course, the heartfelt speech ends up swaying public opinion back in America, and helping Parr win the election at the last second.

Ummm…

Hmmm…

Did I really read what I think I just read? Did this really sell for 2 million dollars? I don’t know where to start here. On the one hand, you can say Sacred Cows represents just how insane the spec market was in the 90s. On the other, it’s a lesson that when you get hot as a writer, you can put just about anything down on paper and the powers that be will beg you for it.

Was the script any good? I mean, I guess it was. I admit that there’s a smooth flow to Esztheras’ writing, like taking one continuous gulp of Guiness while floating in a bubble bath. It’s a 125 page behemoth but it reads 35 pages lighter, no doubt in part to Esztheras hitting the gas whenever he gets into dialogue scenes, refusing to weigh them down with large chunks of supplementary action. He allows you to work out the visuals yourself and that’s fine by me.

Another thing I like about Esztheras’ script is how well he hides the structure beneath his story. This isn’t as plot heavy as say, Back To The Future, but there’s definitely some plot here, and I marveled at how little I noticed the act breaks or the story beats. They’re definitely there, but as I was reading them I didn’t notice, which reminded me a lot of a similar titan’s script, Sorkin’s “The Social Network.” You’re wholly unaware of the writer trying to manipulate you, and in my eyes that’s the last piece, after figuring out how to structure a script and craft great characters, to becoming a great writer.

But in the end it’s all just so bizarre. This script. This story. I do feel like the butt of an April Fools’ joke and I’m still not completely convinced that this sale actually happened. I can see it having been announced in Variety (“Esztheras sells script about President who fucks cow for 2 million!”) on April 1st, only to be recanted the next day as a prank. Yet throughout the years, people forgot about the prank part, and it was passed on as a real event. I don’t know. For those of you around back then, did this really happen?

I’m torn about whether to recommend this because while the writing is something to admire, the idea is just too out there. I guess, as a curiosity, it’s worth checking out.

P.S. How great would this script have been had it come out after Bill Clinton’s presidency? A script about a president who has sex with a cow months after Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky? Ahhh…what could’ve been.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Esztheras was known throughout Hollywood as a powder keg. He famously clashed with a studio head about recommended changes to his script. And when I say clashed, I mean he PHYSICALLY FOUGHT him. Esztheras’ philosophy was simple. I don’t tell you how to do your job. You don’t tell me how to do mine. He was the one writer who didn’t act as a doormat for the industry, but rather swept people underneath his own. Now as writers, we’re told to shut up and do as told because we’re a dime a dozen. We can be fired and replaced in less time than it takes to say ‘rewrite.’ Yet here we have the most successful screenwriter in history taking the exact opposite approach. Esztheras went fucking bananas when he found out Verhoven wanted to take out all the sex in Basic Instinct. He fought like a bull in heat and eventually Verhoven relented, keeping the sex in, and as a result made one of the best movies of the 90s. So should you stand up for what you believe in or suck it up and do as told? The overwhelming majority of writers recommend that you shut up and do what they tell you to. Yet the most successful screenwriter in history did the exact opposite. So which is right? I guess you have to decide whether you’re as irreplaceable as Joe Esztheras. If you believe you are, then fight on.

The Ten

BIG MONEY WEEK (SCRIPT 2)

Genre: Thriller
Premise: By using the ten biblical plagues, a paramilitary group plans to attack ten major cities in the U.S.
About: Sold in 1996. 850 thousand against 1.5 million. Adjusted for inflation – 1.16 million against 2 million. Rosenberg is the writer of High Fidelity and Con Air.
Writer: Scott Rosenberg
Details: 120 pages (1996 spec sale draft)


This is a funny script. I don’t know if it’s necessarily funny on purpose, but it definitely made me laugh. Why? Well, it’s just so unabashedly NINETIES. I half-expected Eddie Vedder and/or the Counting Crows to jump out and start crooning about O.J. Simpson. There’s flannel on these pages. Keanu Reeves lives in these pages. But most of all, this script embodies the overly-ambitious throw everything and the kitchen sink on the page mentality of spec scripts at the time. It was kind of like the spec world’s sub-prime mortgage. Every writer was so reckless, trying to sell their script without regard for cost or value, that when Hollywood realized they couldn’t make these movies, the spec boom imploded. I mean, I’m no producer, but in my estimation, this script had to have been budgeted at at least 250 million. BACK IN 1996!

Rosenberg himself is an interesting writer. He wrote one of my favorite movies, Beautiful Girls, which captured what it’s like coming back home as a grown-up about as well as any movie I’ve ever seen. Then over a decade later he writes the exact same movie but for TV (October Road), and it’s about the worst representation of what it’s like to come home as a grown-up (the comedic sidekick actually refuses to leave his house because he’s traumatized by 9-11, like, ever).

But Rosenberg’s written some pretty cool flicks, like the incredibly cheesy but guilty pleasure that is Con Air. And of course he wrote everybody’s favorite record store movie, High Fidelity (although there's some debate on whether he deserved that credit). I think, like a lot of writers out there, Rosenberg can either be so good you wonder how he could ever be bad, or so bad you wonder how he could’ve been so good.

Which brings us to The Ten, the kind of script that’s so unabashedly crafted to sell and NOTHING else, that it actually kills a writer every time you read it. Basically, what Rosenberg did was take two of the biggest movies from the 90s - Speed and Seven – and mashed them together. We get the way over the top villain from Speed (making him ten times more way over the top here), as well as Speed’s manic tone and energy, mixed with Seven’s mystery-driven structure of unique biblical-related deaths (albeit this time on a mass scale). Rosenberg even adds a little Lethal Weapon to boot, as we get the over-the-top (over-the-top is a BIG part of The Ten) wise-cracking partners who would rather be anywhere but with each other. I don’t know if it’s all shameless or genius. But damn if he didn’t sell the thing.

The not as well known as it should be "Beautiful Girls."

Kyle Klesko is an FBI agent with a beautiful wife and son. He seems to have it all, though work plays a little more of a role in his life than family and his wife isn’t happy about it and—

BOOM! A plane blows up!!!

Don’t worry. Klesko wasn’t on it. But the plane’s parts come raining down on a farm. We get to see the smoldering passengers cry out for help as their burning bodies are melted into the plastic of their seats. Sweet! Soonafter, the FBI is sent a video message from a man named – no I’m not making this up – Williamton Economides. Williamton Economides is easily, by far, without question, the single most annoying over-the-top villain ever. He starts all his video demands by singing some bizarre song wistfully off-screen, then turning to the camera with a, “Oh, you started already,” face, and then giving his demands in a sing-songy half-rhyming nonsensical rant, before cutting out. If ever there was a model for “went too far,” Williamton Economides would be it.

Economides (I can’t even believe I’m writing that name) is the leader of a terrorist group called the People’s Platoon. Naturally, the FBI gets all pissed off that Economides and his Platoon Pals blew up a plane, so they go searching for his cult off in the desert, find about 30 of them blindly reciting his teachings, and throw them in the Federal version of the nuthouse. This angers the coo-coo for coco puffs Economides, so he naturally demands that they be released or else. Or else what? Or else he will attack every major city in the U.S!

True to his rhythmically annoying words, a few days later Washington DC turns into a bath tub of BLOOD! A lot of it! Oh no no no. I don't mean like people start getting massacred. I mean blood appears everywhere. In its lakes, its showers, its water fountains. So much blood! Blood bath-o-rama. More blood than Carrie. Did I mention there was lots of blood? Then two hours later the blood disappears without a trace. Sneaky blood. Special blood that doesn’t stain. In a magically delicious surprise, nobody gets hurt.

Hmm, say our FBI agents. That’s strange. But not strange enough to do anything about it.

Bad move. A few days later Miami is hit. By frogs! Lots of frogs! This overabundance of frogs is more lethal than the laymen might assume as 22 people are massacred by the wild ribbit-fueled hopping. But just like the D.C. fiasco, the frogs disappear within a few hours. The FBI now decides this is serious (note: frogs = serious) and demand that Klesko enlist the help of a man named Eddie Gerrick. We can tell by Klesko’s reaction that this is not a good thing. Apparently there’s some deep history between the two. But Garrick is a specialist when it comes to Economides, and if they’re going to take him down, Garrick will be required.

Cusack and Black in High Fidelity

So Klesko shoots off and finds Garrick on the floor of some bar, shitfaced beyond your worst Vegas nightmare. Garrick is not happy to see Klesko, muttering something about how he’s a life-ruiner. There’s some backstory to this relationship but there’s no time to rehash it because Boston is experiencing a vermin meltdown. Cockroaches and rats are taking over the city. The cockroaches and rats are even better trained (or are learning from the blood and the frogs' mistakes) as this time 54 people are erased from existence.

Garrick lets Klesko in on the fact that Economides is obviously summoning The Ten Plauges of Egypt. The Ten Plagues of What?? Well, apparently, back in the day, God punished the Pharoa for refusing Moses’ demands that all the Israliates be set free. Ah, now I see the connection. Economides is angry that *his* people aren’t being set free, so now he’s punishing the FBI!!!

That sound you hear is me sighing for two days straight.

Klesko and Garrick spend the rest of the script arguing and flying from city to city as the Ten Plagues unfold upon the country. I’m not going to pretend like there aren’t some fun sequences here (L.A. run amok with lions, tigers, cheetahs, pumas, and bears making meals out of any humans in sight), but if I could boil it down to one word…it’s just all so *silly*.

There’s no threat here. It all plays out like a giant live-action cartoon. The story doesn’t even make sense when you add it up. The FBI is holding Economides’ cult, who are obviously harmless. The only threat they pose to the public is annoying them to death. Yet for ¾ of the movie, the FBI refuses to release these 30 nimwits, preferring instead to allow Economides to conjure up biblical terrorism at the expense of the United States’ safety.

The conflict between Klesko and Garrick is likewise over-the-top. Garrick doesn’t just dislike Klesko. He HATES him with a burning passion. So all of their investigation is overshadowed by this ridiculous back and forth banter. I guess you’re wondering why they hate each other so much. **Half-hearted spoiler alert** Klesko stole Garrick’s girlfriend and married her. Garrick then went into Mickey Rourke mode. Unfortunately for Garrick, he didn’t have Darren Aronofsky to save him.

I’d continue on here, but then I’d be telling you things like Economides ups his demands, which include a grant for his own piece of land so he can start a new country, a 50 million dollar check, and a supermodel. That’s not me being sarcastic. That really happens.

I mean, here’s the thing. The 90s were the decade of the fun no-holds-barred over-the-top action film. We got Con Air, The Rock, and Face-Off, for God’s sake. So I mean, if we stay within that context, The Ten makes sense. But there’s a point where you’ve jumped the shark. And I can’t help but feel like this script was written over a shark tank, so that it could be suspended in one continuous jump.

If you like big and silly action movies light on logic, you might enjoy this. It’s also a script that fits perfectly inside the 90s time capsule. But for pure enjoyment, I'm afraid to say it doesn’t work.

Script link: The Ten (This script is meant for educational purposes only. If you are the writer or copyright holder of this script and would like it taken down, please e-mail me at Carsonreeves1@gmail.com and I will do so immediately)

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: How dangerous influence can be. Remember the 90s when everyone was writing Speed and Seven specs? It was either super cheesy over the top action or gritty religious serial killer procedural. And not a single one of them was ever better than those two. That’s my big problem with being influenced by popular movies. That no matter what you do, you will never ever make a version of that movie that’s better than that movie. So why even try? Why not create something original that can stand on its own that everybody ELSE tries to copy? I want you to remember that when you’re sitting down to write your version of Avatar or Inglorious Basterds. Even if you do a bang-up job, it’ll still be seen as, “A not as good version of Avatar or Inglorious Basterds.” Is that really how you want your script to be remembered? If you’re going to be influenced by something, try to make that influence subtle. Write something that has shades of that film, but isn’t built from a template of it.

Now that may be why the *movie* never got made. But I can’t ignore the fact that the script DID get bought. For 850,000 dollars no less. So how good is that advice I just gave you? Hmm, good question. I think in this day and age, it’s good advice. But back then, it might not have been. The 90s spec market was like the 90s stock market. Drop 50 grand in a stock and 5 years later you’re buying a condo in San Francisco. So I definitely think spec-happy Hollywood played a part in this. Also, Rosenberg was a hot writer at the time. He had some major indie cred with his two recent films, Beautiful Girls and Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead. And so it made sense that his spec would have a lot of eyes on it. Finally, and probably most importantly, the script could be pitched as Speed meets Seven, less than two years after both of those movies were mega-hits. Now an interesting side note to that is, Speed and Seven weren’t just hits. They were both out-of-left-field hits. Nobody expected them to do as well as they did. I think this gave The Ten a hidden advantage in that it didn’t have to be as good as a normal spec since the implication was that Hollywood people didn’t understand why these types of scripts did well. In other words, if those two movies undeservedly became monster hits, why couldn’t this one? Anyway, if you put all those things together, you have the ingredients for a monster spec sale.

Big Money Week starts...now!

When you get into the all time top-selling scripts, there are some discrepancies as to the actual order. That's because numbers have been distorted through the years and there are provisions attached to some of the numbers. For example, I guess Steinbeck's Point Of View is the biggest sale of all time at 6.5 million, but something like two million of that was provisional, based on the script going into production, and three million of that included potential future deals? M. Night was paid in the vicinity of 7.5 million for The Village (yeah, I know) but a good portion of that was his directing fee. The number one top selling spec (not including inflation) of all time seems to be Deja Vu, which sold for 5 million dollars. Surprisingly, there are only about 30 scripts that have sold for 2 million dollars or more, and a lot of them have been turned into movies, leaving me with less choices than I'd like, and forcing me to dip into the scripts that "only" sold for like a million dollars. Pft.

Now we've reviewed big-selling specs before. We did a week last year where we reviewed the top selling specs of 2008. Here are those five reviews...

The Low Dweller
Pierre Pierre
The Long Run
Wedding Banned
Dan Minter: Badass For Hire

We've also reviewed million dollar seller The Cheese Stands Alone and 2 million dollar sale River Road (The Cross). I haven't been able to get my hands on some older unproduced specs though, so if you have Bad Dog (3 mil), Alpha (1.5), The Worst Man (2.5), The Arrangement (2 mil), or Vito (2 mil), please e-mail them to me and maybe we can do a second week of this in the near future.

We're going to start out with one of the monster spec sale's little brothers. "Smoke and Mirrors" brought in the eensy teensy amount of just one million dollars, but for those who remember, this was a heavily coveted script whose bidding war made headlines. So scroll down and check out Roger's review. It definitely kicks Big Money Week off with a bang.

Smoke and Mirrors

BIG MONEY WEEK (SCRIPT 1)

Here's Roger with the first review of Big Money Week! To say he gets things started is an understatement. I'm going to have to read this thing!

Genre: Historical Adventure
Premise: The reclusive "Father of Modern Magic", Jean Eugene Robert-Houdin, is called upon by the French government to debunk an Algerian sorcerer who is using his feats of magic to spearhead a civil war.
About: Penned back in '94, this script was part of a fierce bidding war that involved Disney, Tri-Star and Steven Spielberg (people really really wanted this script). Andy Vajna's Cinergi Pictures bought the script for $1 million dollars (1.45 million adjusted for inflation). Not only was Disney able to land Frank Marshall as director, but Sean Connery was attached to the lead role. Unfortunately, Sean Connery demanded rewrite after rewrite until Frank Marshall was pulled off the project by Paramount's Sherry Lansing because he was under contract to direct Congo (why Lord, why?). Kevin Brodie (A Dog of Flanders) was attached to direct and the project lingered in development hell until January 2000, when Catherine Zeta-Jones' production company, Zeta Films, acquired the rights to the script. Naturally, Michael Douglas was attached to the lead role, with Catherine starring opposite him as Robert-Houdin's wife.
Writers: Lee and Janet Scott Batchler. The husband-and-wife team who worked on Batman Forever. Other projects include My Name is Modesty and Pompeii, an epic drama telling the famous story of the destruction of that city. They also wrote a project for Paramount called Alpha, a fast-paced adventure about a team of military working dogs and their trainers. Here we have "Smoke and Mirrors", an Original Screenplay by Lee Batchler and Janet Scott Batchler.

Original? Why yes, indeed. As Charlie Murphy might say, you can't make this shit up. It is based on trufax, after all.

Is this that script about Houdini?

Naw, man. This is that script about Jean Eugene Robert-Houdin. He's the guy that Houdini wanted to be.

Not only was Robert-Houdin a conjurer and illusionist, he was an inventor and a man of science as well. Some will argue that a greater magician has never lived since.

I mean, Ehrich Weiss wanted to be like this man so bad he changed his name to Harry Houdini.

Interesting. But what's so great about a Magic Man biopic?

Dude, did you know that, in 1856, Napoleon asked Robert-Houdin to duel a fucking sorcerer in French Algeria to prove to the murderous Marabout Tribe that French magic was superior to their primitive tribal magic, and as a result, quell a bloody uprising?

This is no boring biopic. This is the type of real-life stuff Susanna Clarke must have turned to for research and inspiration during the ten years she spent writing Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell.

This is a great story.

And it's told so well it makes me want to set myself on fire. Concerning this script, I have no criticism.

What I do have is gushing enthusiasm and a hope to write a review that's a curious examination of how to flawlessly tell a story. You want an example of a truly great screenplay? "Smoke and Mirrors" is your grail. "Smoke and Mirrors" is the high watermark all us screenwriters aim for. Forget dollar signs. As a screenwriter, I'd rather take a great story to tell, a mastery of the craft, and some of that special magic, that lightning in a bottle we call perfect execution, any day of the week.

To me, "Smoke and Mirrors" is flawless storytelling.

The Pledge.

When we first meet Zoras Al Khatim he's walking out of a bonfire like a fucking demon. And that might not be too far off the mark, as this guy riles up the Kabyle Nation with true totalitarian butcher rhetoric, "The white-skinned devils who occupy our land will die!" And because he can control the dark forces, the people believe he is a prophet, a messenger and voice of Allah.

This is problematic for the French Army who are trying to maintain order in these pacified regions. There's so much goddamned bloodshed the area is closed off to colonization by Europeans. It's, as they say, SRS BZNS.

But what if a civilized and genteel man could in fact prove to these tribespeople and natives that this "magic" was just old-fashioned slight-of-hand trickery? And as an audience, what if we were to find out that this "faux magic" was actually bon-a-fide?

They're good questions, and we discover the answer to both of them when Robert-Houdin enters the Algiers arena with this Marabout sorcerer.

But first we must set-up the rest of our players on this epic stage. After we meet our mysterious villain, we are introduced to a young expatriate American, an officer of the French Foreign Legion, Captain Trey Darcy.

It's an electric sequence. Most massacres usually are. It evokes one of my favorite sequences from Michael Mann's The Last of the Mohicans, when Hawkeye saves Cora and Alice from the Hurons during the chaos of an ambush.

Here, Darcy and his Corporal, a bull of a Spaniard named Augustino Bartolote, lead 15 other Legionnaires in battle against a hundred Kabyle Warriors who are slaughtering a caravan of French civilians. Somehow, probably due to their suicidal fighting prowess, Darcy and his men chase off the superior numbers of the Kabyle savages.

But they're not unfazed. Looking around at the extent of the massacre, at the bodies of mothers and children, Bartolote (a man who joined the French Foreign Legion to escape the gallows for murdering a priest), sickeningly exclaims, "Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus."

Cut to France as Colonel Jules Gastinot, a French Army functionary, arrives at Robert-Houdin's brooding and cryptic 17^th century estate. It is here that Gastinot discovers many marvels. A brass plate with a grotesque demon head knocker engraved with the word Frappez that switches to Entrez when the knocker is rapped. The JJ Merlin-esque automatons and steampunk toys in Robert-Houdin's workshop.

The most stunning marvel of all though is Robert-Houdin's fiercely intelligent and radiant wife, Colette. Colette is probably the most vividly portrayed female character I've seen in a script since I started contributing to ScriptShadow. Granted, I tend to read a lot of "guy scripts", but I challenge you guys to find an adventure script with a female character who is rendered as well as Colette.

She's witty, charming, sexy and strong. A great role for a great actress. She's not just a 19^th Century Trophy Wife either, she is her husband's teammate and partner, who has perhaps sacrificed some of her own potential in order play this part. Her loyalty to Robert-Houdin is ultimately put to the test when she falls in love with Trey Darcy.

I'm not usually a fan of love triangles because of the Soap Opera Factor, but here, it feels honest. Truthful. It's Passion vs. Duty/Enduring Love. I'm guessing that this love triangle is written so well because this script is written by a husband and wife team. Not only that, but the Batchlers are real writers.

When Gastinot is finally allowed to enter Robert-Houdin's workshop, there is a voice moving throughout the room. But no matter where Gastinot looks, there's no sign of the man. Where is Robert-Houdin? How is he going to make his grand entrance?

In perfect magical-realist fashion, Robert-Houdin walks out of a mirror. And it's little "big" choices like this that make every scene seem like an expertly performed magic trick. Every scene unfolds, layers peel away, and revelations, reversals and twists wait underneath to surprise you.

Sure, there's a denial of the call at first. Robert-Houdin is no longer a showman, but a scientist. He's dedicated his gift of invention to science and he will not be a pawn for political propaganda. But Gastinot is barely out the door when the magician finally answers the call to adventure.

In Algiers, Robert-Houdin makes a new enemy. The first matter of business, besides taking in some of the local flavor that comes with inspecting the opera house (where his show is to be held) and checking into the Hotel D'Orient, is to get a nice stiff drink.

And to expose a French Officer as a cheat in front of a packed Gentleman's Club during a game of poker with the style and aplomb only a world famous illusionist can muster. When Major Guillaume accuses Robert-Houdin of insulting his honor, our man replies, "Since there is no honor in cheating at cards, I have not disparaged yours in any way." In a bait and switch that astonishes his audience, Robert-Houdin switches his cards with Guillaume's (in plain sight) to defeat the cheater and win a high-stakes pot.

Again, another great scene where Robert-Houdin (and the writers), flip the scene on its head to surprise our expectations and to delight our story senses.

Major Guillaume is not one to be embarrassed in public, and he catches Robert-Houdin in an alley and, with the help of his cronies, beats the shit out of him. As he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Trey Darcy arrives to simultaneously physically maim and disfigure every French soldier while saving the magician from certain death.

The Turn.

Robert-Houdin and the Legionnaire bond over drinks, and Colette is both grateful and drawn to the man who saved her husband. Maximum Drama achieved when Darcy and Colette dance a waltz, and we learn that the soldier of fortune has a wooden prosthetic hand. He lost his real hand whilst fighting in the Crimea.

They flirt and Colette can't help but be drawn to the mysterious expatriate. You know, it's the whole romantic mystery that comes with the Legionnaire package.

When we find out that Guillaume is still alive, Darcy is whipped and thrown into a hotbox by the French Army, presumably left to shrivel and die in the suffocating coffin that sits underneath the Algerian sun.

Meanwhile, events turn weird for Robert-Houdin and Colette when they discover their scorched hotel room. Miraculously their valuables have been left intact despite the impact of the damage. "Fire is the most dangerous and unpredictable of the elements. Whoever did this wanted to show me can control the uncontrollable."

Robert-Houdin finds out Darcy is being tortured, and he appeals to the top French authority, the Marshal-General, to free his friend. His Excellency denies and a wager is made by Robert-Houdin to up-the-stakes, "If my performance produces no good political results, you can send me packing on the next ship. Vilify me in the newspapers, gloat all you want. But if I succeed, you give me your word of honor to release Captain Darcy immediately."

His Excellency accepts.

Not only does Robert-Houdin win the wager, he terrifies the Marabouts in the audience by manipulating the trajectory of bullets and teleporting a Moorish Chieftain. His feats free Darcy and catch the attention of Bou-Allem, the single most powerful Arab in the North. Robert-Houdin and Colette are off to Bou-Allem's palace, escorted and protected by Darcy, Bartolote, and the Legionnaires.

The Midpoint.

Like the prophet Elijah battling the 450 prophets of Baal and the 400 prophets of Asherah at Mount Carmel, Robert-Houdin duels Zoras Al Khatim and his disciples in front Bou-Allem and the entire royal household. Bou-Allem warns us, "If you do not prevail, and should Zoras persuade me you are indeed the enemy of Allah, it will be my duty to kill you. Please do not take it personally."

The following magic show that pits the world of science against the world of the occult is some of the best scriptwriting I've ever seen. Zoras again walks out of a bonfire, revealing to the Bou-Allem and the audience that he can speak a European language, claiming that Allah just granted him the power. "Would it not be a fair test to now ask your Christian god to reveal to you the Berber language in a similar manner? This way we shall know whose god is the more powerful."

Houdini (not Houdin)

When Zoras performs some death-defying feats (walking through fire, surviving the bites of poisonous scorpions, grotesque swordplay) and grisly self-mutilation, Colette is disturbed.

"What is he?"

But her husband is not so impressed. He methodically reveals all the secrets of Zoras' "magic" to Bou-Allem. And that's the worst possible fate for a magician, having all their tricks laid bare in front of the public eye. When science takes away the glamour and the curtain, what was once magical now seems dull and trite in comparison. Then to punctuate his point, he levitates Colette into the air, scaring Zoras' disciples.

Angry, yet not to be deterred, Zoras challenges Robert-Houdin to a real duel. Zoras' pulls out a set of pistols and says, "Let me shoot at you now with one of these pistols. If you do not die, then I give you permission to shoot at me. (to Bou-Allem) By this you will know whom Allah will favor."

Robert-Houdin accepts.

"However, for such strong magic, defying the very hand of death itself, I require six hours of prayers."

Robert-Houdin now has six hours to invent a way to survive a bullet.

Colette is not too pleased and retreats to her room, where Darcy saves her from the cobra and asps someone has planted in her room. It's a hot and heavy moment where the writers milk the attraction these characters have for each other for Maximum Titillation. Things don't get more sensual than a heroine belly-dancing her way out of a cobra attack so her forbidden suitor can decapitate it with a sword.

We're shown Robert-Houdin at the end of his wits, mere hours away from his probable death, at a complete loss of how he's going to pull off this final escape trick. It's a cliffhanger moment and it creates the sense of suspense that saturates the scene portraying the actual gun-duel.

In the palace courtyard, while Zoras carves a mark onto each of the bullets so the Frenchman can show them to the audience, the sorcerer calls Robert-Houdin an infidel and proclaims, "You will soon burn in the deepest pits of hell."

The guns are openly loaded in front of the audience.

I don't know how Robert-Houdin does it, but he survives the gunshot. The writers don't reveal the trick to us, because, if they did, it would have taken away all the suspense they meticulously set up. I'm not sure, but I think he used slight-of-hand to switch the bullets and electromagnetism to manipulate the pistol.

Robert-Houdin catches the bullet in his teeth, shocking the crowd, his wife, and Darcy. He then picks up the other gun and follows Zoras around the courtyard. Zoras cowers before the Frenchman.

"Is French magic greater than Kabyle magic?"

"Y-you are greater. Your magic is true."

Robert-Houdin spares the sorcerer's life, which is a mistake, because pretty soon, we're going to be in the midst of an epic battle between Legionnaires and a couple hundred Kabyle warriors.

The Prestige.

The spectacular finale takes place at The Fortress of the Assassins, an ancient Hashshashin (where we get our word 'assassin') stronghold that's part medieval castle and Persian monastery. Zoras gathers his troops to slaughter Robert-Houdin and this is where the Legionnaires make their last stand.

I couldn't think of a better setting.

To complicate things, the fortress is full of traps, which Robert-Houdin deconstructs so the Legionnaires can use them to their advantage. Once again, our magician must use his resourcefulness like he's some kind of super MacGuyver to invent devices and devise strategies, all so he can defeat the superior numbers of Zoras and his army.

There are battles in the 3rd Act that read like some of the best sequences out of another favorite historical adventure script of mine, Walon Green's Crusade. Or think of the best swashbuckling stuff out of Pirates of the Caribbean and the rollicking action set-pieces in Frank Darabont's great Indiana Jones & The City of the Gods script and you get the idea.

Since the writers hadn't made any mistakes up to this point, I felt if they were going to make a miscalculation, it was going to have to be somewhere in the endgame.

But you know what?

They don't.

Instead, you're invested in every character's fate and I'm happy to say that the riveting resolution unfolds dramatically and the effect is nothing short of cathartic. Heady, even. The most delicate and fragile thread, Colette and Darcy's story, is treated with so much honesty and honor you can't help but accept its conclusion.

"Smoke and Mirrors" is truly the work of master craftsmen.

This is the type of script I aspire to write someday. It gives me hope, it makes me believe, and it gives me a new hero in Jean Eugene Robert-Houdin.

If I could take a ride in the TARDIS, I would go back in time, hand this script to David Lean, and wait for cinematic magic to happen.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[x] genius

What I learned: This script is suspenseful as hell. But why was it so suspenseful? Every time Robert-Houdin performed, someone's life was on the line. That's the simple genius behind the trick. Every task your protagonist has to perform should have high stakes. And as the protagonist completes each task and moves on to the next, crank up the stakes. The stakes in "Smoke and Mirrors" have a clear ascendant progression: (1) Darcy's life, (2) Robert-Houdin's life (3) and collectively, the lives of Robert-Houdin, Colette, Darcy and all of the Legionnaires. Here's the other lesson: Every overarching thematic conflict in this script, Science vs. Magic, God vs. Allah, France vs. Kabyle, Civilized Man vs. the Savage, is boiled down to the two characters who come from each side. Robert-Houdin and the sorcerer, Zoras Al Khatim. Their intimate battle of wills puts two entire nations at stake. By making your characters symbols of bigger conflicts, you widen scope of your story. It's how you can tell an epic story but at the same time make it personal and intimate. There are many other lessons and tricks to be learned in this script, you only have to look closer to discover them.

Next week is Big Money Week

One of the changes I want to make this year is to add a theme week every month. For example, last year we had Horror Week, Biggest Sales of 2008 Week, Repped Week. I want to do that once a month this time around. So if you guys have any theme suggestions, feel free to offer them in the Comments Section. Next week we're going to be tackling 5 scripts that sold for a lot of money. Since most of them are at least a few years old, script links should be available. But swoop in quick just in case. And if you don't know when I post, get yourself onto my Twitter and Facebook feeds (upper right hand corner of page). :)

Toy's House

Genre: Alternative Comedy
Premise: When fourteen year old Joe Toy and his buddies tire of their parents overbearing ways, they decide to build their own house in the woods, away from the restraints of the lives they have come to know.
About: Toy’s House finished in the Top 15 of the 2009 Black List with 15 votes. Indie production company, Big Beach Productions (Sunshine Cleaning, Little Miss Sunshine, Away We Go) purchased the script. Chris Galletta has no previous film credits or sales. He did work as a staff member on The Late Show with David Letterman in 2005.
Writer: Chris Galletta
Details: 116 pages (9/9/09 draft)


Toy’s House poses the question, what if you actually followed through on your childhood fantasy of running away and living on your own? Ah, sounds like another recent film you say? Yes, the similarly themed "Where The Wild Things Are" explored the same idea. There’s one small difference between the two stories though. Toy’s House is actually good.

We all had those moments as teenagers where home felt more like a prison cell than a place of residence. There were all these, like, rules we had to abide by. Rooms had to be cleaned. Homework had to be done. If we went somewhere, we’d have to let our parents know when we’d be back n’ shit. But the thing that really troubled us was the simple fact that parents didn’t *get us.* They spoke an alien language. Talked about how everything we did now would affect our "future." No offense but, who the hell cares about the future when you’re a kid?? All that matters is right now. And right now is a 24 hour cycle of stupidity. We can’t have fun. We can’t let loose. Why can’t there just be a place where these freedoms exist? All the time!

Joe Toy is a 14 year old Freshman who wants to *do* something about this problem. His dickhead divorced father is so out of touch with even the most basic parenting skills that whenever Joe starts beating him in Monopoly, his father actually cheats to win. Their icy relationship has deteriorated to the point where Joe calls the police simply if his dad's being an asshole. Clearly, this situation can't go on any longer.

Joe’s best buddy is the creature-of-habit Patrick, one of those kids cursed with really weird parents. I remember I had a friend like this and to this day I can’t believe my parents let me hang out at his house since everyone assumed, like they do here in Toy’s House, that his parents were serial child molesters. I survived that friendship unscathed but my poor friend, like Patrick, had to live with those weirdos for the rest of his childhood. Having weird parents really is a no-win situation. It’s not like one day they can magically become un-weird. And their weirdness definitely rubs off on you. It has to. You’re around them 24/7. Needless to say, Patrick’s social life is the high school equivalent of 2012.

So when Joe poses to Patrick the radical idea that they run away and build their own house, Patrick, at first hesitant to break from the norm, decides to stand by his best friend. They need to recruit one more member in their not-so-traveling pants gang so they choose Biaggio, an insanely bizarre kid who’s kind of like the Italian version of Pedro in Napolean Dynamite. If Pedro was 100 times more retarded that is.

Their secret society set, they sneak out into the desolate forest (which is actually just a tiny forest preserve a hundred feet from their suburb) and build a barely habitable shack/living quarters.

I was actually a little thrown by Toy’s structure, as when I read the premise, I assumed the building of the house was going to be the main focus of the plot. So when the house is finished early in the second act, I wondered, “Where does this story go now?” Luckily the story shifts nicely into Joe’s obsession with Kelly, his wise-cracking beautiful best friend who he’s secretly in love with (but is going out with some guy who looks like he’s 30).

Because Patrick was hesitant to commit himself to this idea in the first place, he’s none too pleased to find out that Joe’s real motivation for building the house has nothing to do with escaping society – but was merely a ploy to convince Kelly that he’s just as grown-up as her 800 year old boyfriend. It’s a wonderful turn of events then, when he finally brings Kelly by, and is so close to closing the deal, only to see his entire plan foiled at the last second by…well, let’s just say the last person you'd expect.

Things spin drastically out of control after that, and Joe becomes some sort of faux-mountain man, defiantly standing by his idea of roughing it and breaking off from society even though everything about the house is an epic failure. His and Patrick’s friendship deteriorates while the community searches for them. And Biaggio becomes so entrenched in nature he may never leave. It’s a nice take on why fantasies should probably remain fantasies and that while the grass may be greener on the other side of the hill, it’s still the same dirt underneath.

It’s no secret why I liked this script. It’s got Wes Anderson written all over it. Shades of Rushmore. Shades of Junior Executive. Shades of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Galletta’s got a gift for offbeat humor and an ear for quirky dialogue that’s actually funny (as opposed to certain writers whose quirky dialogue sounds like a desperate plea to be funny).

The weirdness of these characters is the real strength though. Watching Patrick’s clueless mom try to convince her son that the new “Bruce Die-Hard” movie is called “Festival” (she’s unknowingly referring to The Fifth Element) or watching Biaggio camouflage himself up against a tree for hours at a time, even though everybody can see him, just gives these characters a comedic edge you don’t find in a lot of these cookie-cutter comedies. There’s even some nice character work here, particularly in relation to Joe’s broken family and how that’s shaped his reckless approach to life. It’s all nicely done.

You know, I’ll be honest, I was really skeptical during the first 15 pages of this script, even going so far as to warn a couple of people to stay away from it. But it ended up being the funniest script I’ve read in months.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: You know I hate bringing up the “First Ten Pages” rule because I think it sends writers the wrong message. “Make the first ten pages of your script amazing so you reel in the reader!” Umm, okay, but hold on. Doesn’t that imply that once those ten pages are over, you can half-ass the rest of the script? Shouldn’t you strive to make *every* page amazing?

But Tree’s House reminded me why the rule is pertinent. I almost gave up on this script ten pages in. The first scene has Joe doodling in school. The second has him talking to a girl. The third has him dealing with his father at home. Nothing fun or exciting or unique or surprising is happening here. And the strength of the script - its offbeat humor – doesn’t come off right away. The ONLY reason I kept reading was because it was a Black List script, which gave me some indication that other industry people thought it was worthy of continuing. Now since you don’t yet have the luxury of having 15 other industry vets vouching for you when you send your script to someone (yet), you gotta do something that makes us take notice in those first ten pages. It doesn’t have to be a car blowing up. It doesn’t have to be a murder. But it should be something. If I were you, I’d pinpoint the one thing you do best as a writer, and try to write pages that highlight that strength. So if you’re great at dialogue, then the opening scenes should be dialogue. If you’re a great action writer, then the first scene should be action. If you’re a master of description (S. Craig Zahler for example), then build a scene around that. Whatever the case, particularly if your script is more character-based (aka slow), figure out a way to make those first 10 pages pop. Just don't let off the gas when they're over.

Kick-Ass

Genre: Action Comedy
Premise: Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed high school student and comic book fan who one day decides to become a super-hero, even though he has no powers, training or meaningful reason to do so. (from IMDB)
About: Kick-Ass is Matthew Vaughn’s third directing effort (behind Layer Cake and Stardust). What some people don’t know about Vaughn is that before he became a director, he was Guy Ritchie’s producer, producing such films as Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, and even the Madonna debacle, Swept Away. Kick-Ass stars Nicholas Cage and McLovin, as well as Chloe Moretz and Aaron Johnson.
Status of Draft: Development – 2nd Draft
Status of Project: Completed
Writers: Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn (based on the Marvel/Icon comic mini-series from Mark Milllar and John Romita Jr.)
Details: 105 pages (Because this is a 2nd draft, many things may have changed in the final shooting script, although I will say that pretty much everything I saw in the trailer is in the script).


I dig anyone brave enough to shun convention. Matthew Vaughn, however confusing and divisive his choices may be, doesn’t really give a shit about posters and, quote unquote, marketability. He just goes out and makes movies he’d like to see. Hollywood can sort out the rest. I know there are people who absolutely despise Stardust, and I won’t argue that it’s a mixed bag, but hell if it isn’t divinely inspired in places. I loved Robert DiNero’s character, and the “dead-man” sword fight near the end attempts something so few writers ever even try, which is to take a well-known device and put a spin on it.

What’s interesting about Kickass is that it’s probably the most predictable of his ideas (even though it's not technically his idea). The “normal guy becomes a super-hero” angle is about as popular a screenplay choice as American Idol is a TV show. We’ve seen it in the simultaneously overrated and underrated Unbreakable, the hideously bad Mystery Men, the most annoying actor in movies’ (Michael Rapaport) film, “Special,” and those are just the ones that made it into production. I see the idea in countless spec screenplays all the time (both sold and unsold). For all these attempts, however, nobody has cracked the formula. So I welcome people to keep trying. Until someone gets it right, the idea is fair game.

When I watched the trailer for Kick-Ass, I found myself saying, “This guy gets it.” The characters look inspired, the tone feels fresh, and the movie just looks downright fun. The only issue here is that we’re still talking about Matthew Vaughn. The man can have inspired moments of genius but follow them with head-scratching tangents that are about as organic to the story as that popcorn butter they serve in the theater. As a filmmaker, I trust this guy. But as a writer? I’m still not sure. Let’s find out if he and Goldman brought it.


Dave Lizewski is your average dork, dweeb, nerd. He isn’t noticed at school. And on the rare occasion that he is, it’s usually because he did something stupid. Dave gives you direct insight into his life via voice over, which runs pretty much throughout the entire script, and is overwhelmingly present here in the first act. I have no problem with voice over as a choice and it seems to fit the mood here so I went with it.

Kick-Ass’s first misstep is in its flimsy motivation for why its main character decides to become a superhero. Nothing really pushes Dave into becoming a super-hero other than he wakes up one day and wonders why normal people can’t be superheroes. With the tone of this script being so light, I suppose you could forgive this, but it would’ve been nice to see his choice stem from something more personal (or at least a personal experience).

So Dave stitches together a costume, grabs a couple of sticks, and goes out to fight crime as his brand new superhero alias: Kick-Ass. His first attempts don’t exactly land him in the super hero Hall of Fame though, as he’s beaten to within inches of his life. Back at the hospital, Vaughn comes through with his first bout of randomness, inserting a scene where Dave has daydreams about Chinese families telling him he’s going to be reincarnated, as well as the obligatory giant talking spider! I will give Vaughn this. The man's unpredictable.


Meanwhile, we meet Damon Macready and his 11 year old daughter, Mindy (aka “Big Daddy” and “Hit Girl”). These two are *real* super-heroes. Or wait. They’re normal people pretending to be super-heroes but who are *really* good at it. I'm actually not sure what they are, since even though they've been around a lot longer than Kick-Ass has, nobody knows about them. Also in the mix is mega-rich crime boss Frank D’Amico and his son Chris D’Amico (played by McLovin). Frank is trying to keep his strangle-hold of the city’s drug trade in line while the isolated Chris is just trying to lead a somewhat normal existence.

When Dave’s follow-up attempts to fight crime start to (sorta) work, he becomes a Youtube sensation, which gets the attention of real-life crimefighters Big Daddy and Hit Girl, as well as Chris, who eventually wants a part of the action and invents his own superhero persona, “Red Mist.”

Much like the trailer, the tone here is light and easy, with plenty of jokes to keep you smiling the whole way through (particularly if you like masturbating. There is lots and LOTS of masturbating in Kick-Ass). Here’s the problem though. After finishing this script, I still didn’t know what it was about. There’s no clear-cut plot. There’s no real story here to speak of other than a bunch of semi-super-heroes attempting to fight crime. It’s as if that obsession with character was so great, that Vaughn forgot to give the characters anything to actually do. I mean if I was pressed for it, I’d probably say the plot was for the superheroes to disrupt Frank’s drug trafficking, but since this angle didn’t seem to have any obvious consequences (i.e. if they didn’t succeed, it's not like anything that bad would happen), I wasn’t sure what the focus was supposed to be.

I'll admit this is my problem with origin stories in general though and I understand the unique challenges in writing them. Usually the first act of a movie sets up the main problem. But comic book origin movies always end up getting fucked in this respect because they have to spend the first act introducing our character and how he becomes a superhero. This then forces you to set up your problem in the second act, and by that point the structure is already so fucked up that the entire rhythm of the story is thrown out of whack. Still, I would've liked for the threat to be made more clear in Kick-Ass.


As I mentioned before, the characters are, admittedly, hilarious and you can’t say “Red Mist” coupled with the thought of McLovin’s face without laughing (whoever did McLovin's hair in this should get a make-up Oscar next year). But once we reached that third act I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to be rooting for. "Drug people = bad" isn't enough for me these days. If there were any major changes in the subsequent drafts, I'm hoping that these are the issues they addressed.

I'll still go see this for the hilarious character work but if anything needed a kick in the ass here, it was the plot.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: You want there to be stakes in your finale. You want it to feel like if your characters don’t succeed, that the consequences will be devastating. If there’s nothing at stake in the final battle, why should we care about it? You can argue that just the fact that your hero’s life is at stake is enough, but you'd be wrong my compadre. Because stakes go both ways. What your hero *gains* from winning the battle is just as important as what he loses by losing the battle. So if he just gets to stay alive by winning, that won’t cut it. He has to foil something, save someone, disrupt or end something that would’ve otherwise ruined mankind. At the end of Star Wars, Luke doesn’t just survive the Empire, he destroys the damn Death Star! Since I was never clear what Kick Ass gained or lost from the final battle (which stemmed from an unclear plot), I wasn’t as involved as I wanted to be.