Buckle Up, It's Aries Season

Fergie

Birthdate: March 27th

All hail the Duchess of fire signs, Fergie Ferg. Between the Black Eyed Peas and her solo career, Fergie has blessed us with more bangers than our middle school ears were worthy of. For that, I forgive her for making me spell the word ‘tasty’ wrong for years after the ear-worm, Fergalicious chorus “T to the A, to the S-T-E-Y, girl, you tasty.” (Aries don’t have time for grammar.) Like a true fire sign, Fergie is a consummate performer—she won’t stop singing even if she pees her pants, and for that, she is my hero. I think we can all agree that her most canonically Aries moment was doing a one-handed cartwheel while singing “whoooaooaoaoHHH” in her performance of ‘Barracuda’ on the Today Show in 2008. It was literally 8:54 am. Go all the way off, girl.

Lady Gaga

Birthdate: March 28th

Paws up, monsters! Like many Aries, Gaga is no stranger to unpredictable behavior—the meat dress, flying through the Super Bowl, her unhinged, Soprano-esque drag persona Jo Calderone—Miss Gaga keeps us ga-guessing. Her outrageous performances are so well-documented that I don’t need to bore you with recaps, but I will give a special shoutout to that time she was carried across the Grammys red carpet in an egg before hatching on stage. She reportedly spent 72 hours incubating in the egg, which she claims was a “very creative experience.” Back in the good ol’ days when Joan Rivers hosted red carpets, the comedian quipped, “People will do anything to avoid talking to Ryan Seacrest.” Amen.

Lil Nas X

Birthdate: April 9th

At just 23 years old, Montero Lamar Hill has already created more culture-defining and meme-worthy content than most artists produce in an entire career. His music video for MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name) had conservatives clutching their pearls when he slid down a stripper pole to hell and gave the devil a lap dance. Chart-topping Aries behavior, if you ask me. He extends the chaotic Aries energy to his tweets with comedy gold like, “wow man last year i was sleeping on my sisters floor, had no money, struggling to get plays on my music, suffering from daily headaches, now i’m gay.” Additional Aries points were given for his performance on SNL where a backup dancer licked his face before he ripped his pants on live television attempting yet another stripper pole stunt.

Mariah Carey

Birthdate: March 27th

“I don’t know her.” In famously denying she’s ever heard of JLo, Mariah elevated diva behavior to an art form. Call it what you want—childish, hot-headed, arrogant—there’s no denying her laundry list of diva moments put her in the Aries Hall of Fame. During the birth of her twins, she insisted they play a live version of ‘Fantasy’ so her children could hear the sounds of a standing ovation as they were brought into the world. Carey isn’t above telling a backup singer they’re stealing her shine or leaving a presidential inauguration because she didn’t understand why she wasn’t seated with the first couple. She claimed her feet “repel” flat shoes and was captured on her episode of MTV Cribs wearing heels on exercise equipment. The list goes on, but we’ll stop there because we could be here all day. Even though she doesn’t believe in birthdays—“I don’t count years but I definitely rebuke them… I have anniversaries, not birthdays, because I celebrate life, darling”—she is an Aries through and through.

Diana Ross

Birthdate: March 26th

While we’re on the topic of divas, no list is complete without the lead singer of one of the best-selling girl groups of all time—Miss Diana Ross. Taking center stage with Motown’s most successful act, The Supremes, Ross became a fashion icon in the 60s. From her mod silhouettes in the 60s to Bob Mackie disco-glam of the 70s to her au-natural looks in the 80s, she is no stranger to reinvention. In true Aries fashion, she is also no stranger to drama. With a career and love affair that inspired the plot of Dreamgirls, she followed the cardinal rule of all Aries: always get your way.

Kourtney Kardashian

Birthdate: April 18th

Like a true Aries, Kourtney has no patience and no filter when it comes to putting her sisters in their place. From the infamous, “Kim there’s people that are dying” reality check to “Ok, your conversations are too long, bye”—Kourtney is there to say what we’re all thinking. With her fierce loyalty to her family and record-setting levels of PDA with husband Travis Barker, Kourtney shows that Aries are just as generous with love as they are with their clap backs.

Simu Liu

Birthdate: April 19th

Simi Liu is a Canadian actor famous for portraying Shang-Chi in the 2021 Marvel Cinematic Universe film Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. Earlier in his career, he was a successful television actor before manifesting his place in the Marvel universe via Twitter. Aries always find a way to get what they want, and this is a perfect example.

Reba McEntire

Birthdate: March 28th

Reba makes it on the list of iconic Aries because I still can’t stop thinking about that KFC commercial where she plays, “the first female Colonel Sanders.” Nothing excites me more than an unhinged press release from a fast food chain, and this was no exception: "We picked Reba McEntire because she is a perfect fit for KFC and Smoky Mountain BBQ. She embodies the qualities of the colonel with her showmanship and entrepreneurial spirit," said KFC Chief Marketing Officer Andrea Zahumensky about the casting decision. What’s more Aries than being an embodiment of Smoky Mountain BBQ?

Bette Davis

Birthdate: April 5th

“Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy night.” On-screen and off, Bette Davis was known for her biting quips and diva theatrics. Most famously, her decades-long feud with Joan Crawford fueled tabloids in Tinseltown before, during, and after they were cast in the 1962 camp classic, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Her performance as a deranged, aging, former child star is one of the most deliciously unhinged performances in Hollywood history. With white pancake makeup and eyeliner she did herself (claiming no professional makeup artist would dare), her performance was full-tilt, baby-voiced, madness that only an Aries could bring to fruition. Childish and stubborn to a fault, Davis said, “The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.” If you’re ever waiting on a sincere apology from an Aries, don’t hold your breath.

Leonardo DaVinci

Birthdate: April 15th

Yeah, Leonardo DaVinci is a celebrity, fight me. Famed artist, theorist, and engineer, Leonardo is perhaps one of the most globally famous Aries throughout history. But why is he on this list? You’ve heard of the Mona Lisa, but you probably haven’t seen some of his lesser-known doodles. While Aries are hardworking, intelligent, and innovative thinkers, they have a particular brand of juvenile humor. All that to say, yes, even Leonardo DaVinci drew dicks all over his notebook. These little, anthropomorphized penis creatures prove that no Aries, no matter how prestigious, is above a little bathroom-stall humor.

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