As New Yorker Meredith hopped back on dating apps once she was fully vaccinated, she noticed an influx of profiles from people who stated they were "ENM," or ethically non-monogamous.
For Meredith, who's going by her first name only for privacy reasons, they're all automatic swipe lefts. "Are there any cute people out there still looking for a monogamous situation?" she asked.
What Meredith has noticed is part of an ongoing trend that may be picking up as vaccinations rise in the United States. Even before the pandemic, more people began to practice non-monogamy — a blanket term for a relationship philosophy that includes more than one partner — and there's no sign of that stopping anytime soon.
As more people begin to branch out into other forms of relationships, daters may wonder: Should dating apps have filters for non-monogamous people?
Meredith thinks so. She wants to respect others' choices, and wants hers — monogamy — to be respected, too. She imagines swiping through non-monogamous Tinder profiles in DJ Khaled's voice: "Anotha one, anotha one." She believes the amount of non-monogamous/polyamorous people on the apps have spiked since getting back on the apps.
It's an increase that has already been in the works for a while. As Luke Brunning, a philosopher and lecturer of ethics at the University of Birmingham, documented in his book, Does Monogamy Work?, the concept has been challenged over several decades by the sexual revolution, women gaining more autonomy, and other societal changes. According to a 2020 YouGov poll, 23 percent of U.S. adults said their current relationship was non-monogamous "to some degree," suggesting the turning tides.
"Are there any cute people out there still looking for a monogamous situation?"
While sex educator Francisco Ramirez said he hasn't seen the pandemic usher in a new wave of non-monogamy, he told Mashable he saw it as an already-existing trend before COVID.
Daniel Saynt, self-described chief conspirator at sex and cannabis club NSFW, has seen people become more interested in learning about alternative relationships in the five years the club has been around. NSFW membership doubled over quarantine alone, when only virtual events were possible.
Sexual exploration app Feeld, which caters to both singles and couples, saw a 400 percent increase among women and 500 percent increase among men using words describing ENM or polyamory in their bios from 2020 to 2021, their communication manager, Lyubov Sachkova, told Mashable.
While more people are exploring these types of relationships, New York-based anthropologist Luisa Díez still feels that using dating apps as a non-monogamous person is like swimming against the current. She often has to explain how she views herself and her relationships, and finds most interactions to be a failure.
"Traditional people you may match with because of other factors you had in common often judge you or shut down after you discuss this stuff," said Díez, "and that ends up being wasted time for both parties." While she used dating apps pre-pandemic, Díez is hesitant to invest the time now.
Would a filter eliminate this wasted time?
If apps provided a better experience for matching non-traditional relationship types, Díez would consider going back on them.
Ramirez, who prefers dating websites over apps, is ambivalent. On one hand, this is what filters are for: weeding out people who aren't looking for what you are, and would thus waste your time. Dating apps are essentially search tools, as Stanford University political science professor Neil Malhotra told Mashable when it came to politics on dating apps. Filters help sharpen that tool to best suit your needs.
Ramirez said he's an advocate for opportunities for articulation, specificity of needs, and honesty — particularly honesty around qualities or values that don't align with convention. In terms of the latter especially, a filter for monogamy/non-monogamy can be helpful.
"If someone has a need or an interest in a relationship that's non-monogamous," said Ramirez, "I would love for that person to be able to more easily find themselves getting matched up with someone who is aligned in that way." The same goes with monogamous people. After all, there can be a lot of costs — dinner, drinks, time, even a MetroCard ride — that could be avoided by not bothering to match with someone who's not aligned with what you want.
Currently, one can explain their flavor of non-monogamy in their bio; a potential filter may lump all the flavors together.
Then there's the financial gain for the apps themselves. Saynt predicts a massive boom in polyamorous lifestyles, and believe it's important for companies in the dating space to understand that in order to better serve that customer.
Polyamorous educator and activist Tiana North, who goes by Tiana GlittersaurusRex, also said it's in apps' best interest to take notice of non-monogamy/polyamory — especially as younger people begin to use those apps.
"If [dating apps] want to survive as businesses, they need to grow and adapt," said North.
North said she herself has seen an influx in fellow polyamorous people on apps — though she admits she is biased — and would appreciate such a filter. On all dating apps, North says up top that she is polyamorous, which often leads to her educating matches on what that means, and what it means specifically for her.
But here's where a filter can get tricky. "As many constellations in the sky is how many ways you can practice [polyamory]," North said, "and for [apps] to be able to fit that in a checkbox is going to be difficult."
Do we need more than a filter?
Ramirez questions whether a filter would do the job on its own. Non-monogamy can be and is misconstrued by some. Ramirez listed negative connotations, including that a non-monogamous person doesn't want a deep connection with others; only wants sex; and only wants sex with a lot of people.
These are not only generalizations that are false for many, but also, they don't leave room for the myriad ways non-monogamy can look. For example, non-monogamy might be cuddling with certain people but having sex with others, or having a deep connection with one person but flirting at a bar with others when they want, said Ramirez. It's hard to translate all that through a filter.
"As many constellations in the sky is how many ways you can practice [polyamory]"
You will only understand a person's specific constellation of non-monogamy/polyamory if you speak to them. Filters may cut that conversation off before it begins.
This problem isn't necessarily unique to a proposed non-monogamy filter. Some dating apps, like Hinge, have similar filters for life preferences such as wanting children. But what happens if one changes their mind over time? Would it be a "waste" to exclude everyone that doesn't want what you do at this exact moment? Even VICE called Bumble's astrology sign filter a terrible idea, because that one bit of information about someone doesn't reflect their entire being.
Díez actually wouldn't want to filter out monogamous people, as she's not opposed or incapable of monogamy. Rather, she'd like to see more options for self-appointed labels. She may call herself nontraditional or open to both monogamy and non-monogamy in specific relationships, but would filter out those in open relationships with a primary partner. In her experience, those people are looking for casual, physical partners where intimacy has a predetermined limit, while she wants to experiment with the depth of intimacy.
On the other hand, Díez can see how someone looking for a purely physical relationship with a couple may want to filter for open relationships. Apps need to acknowledge these range of relationships and sexual orientations in the way society has begun to acknowledge gender beyond the binary, she said.
"In reality," Díez told Mashable, "our attractions and relationships are shaped by all three: our sexual orientation, gender identity, and our views on relationship structures and norms."
A simple non-monogamy filter on dating apps wouldn't hold the nuance and variety that such relationships can have. But someday soon, major players in the space are going to have to address these relationships — both for those who want to participate, and those who don't.
Moving into vaccinated life, Meredith is focusing on the next five and ten years of her life, she said, "and monogamy figures into that." She adds, "When you do see someone that seems interesting or attractive enough that you click through and then you see 'ethically non-monogamous,' there is a bit of frustration to it."
She has no plans to stop trying, though.
