Get all 15 p.stmdrn releases available on Bandcamp.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of 百flwrgrdn合, 失LVLSS恋, luvs.ngs_prt3[T♡GTHR], 恋LUVS.NGS❤ANTHXLXGY愛 / first, ようこそ！, X, IX, VIII, and 7 more.
1. |
Welcome! (ただいま)
02:20
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"Well, come on in!"
Uh, pardon the intrusion...
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2. |
CLRFL
01:31
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In order to reach the "Land of Comfort," it will be necessary for us to completely abandon our old selves and become a "New Being."
You will not be allowed to set foot in the "Land of Comfort" until you elevate your level of being further.
---
When I returned to reality, a week had passed. I liberated myself from the mouse and keyboard for the first time in several dozen hours and entered the bathroom. Reflected in the mirror was an unbelievably dangerous person—in short, me. The stubble from not shaving, my greasy hair, empty eyes, slack jaw... a dropout, unemployed hikikomori who anyone would avoid, who no one would want to go near... a dirty, disheveled, stinking, nightmarish...
A lolicon stood there.
"Ugh." I weakly slid onto the bathroom floor.
How could things have come to this?
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3. |
deelishus(kayq)
01:44
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. . .
Right! The problem was simply that Rika herself was too cute; that didn't mean I was a lolicon or anything. I just happen to be affected by her beauty, but I'm still normal. To prove it, I needed to find other Lolita images on the Internet. It was obvious that any Lolita images other than Rika's wouldn't excite me in the least.
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4. |
pr.txkvltvre
00:59
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一人寂しくステップ踏めば
私の心に風がふく
---
Life is painful and difficult. A lot of things really will get the best of you.
It's actually rather hard.
. . .
Before I knew it, I had gotten run down, both socially and emotionally; it was that kind of summer. Before I knew it, I had been locked in a kind of cage, with no hope for escape; it was that sort of July. I tried calling, "Help me!"
Nothing—not love, dreams, hope, effort, friendship, or victory—could save me. I was in real trouble.
---
(Do you remember love?)
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5. |
metvm.rph.sis
01:30
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As he awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible, wretched NEET.
---
"Argh!" It hurt. I was in pain. My chest hurt. My heart was breaking with guilt. I didn't want to be a lolicon or anything of the sort. But now, nonetheless, I was a first-rate lolicon hikikomori, the most worthless piece of human garbage who ever lived.
. . .
I can’t go on. I just can’t go on. A lolicon hikikomori is pretty much the worst thing ever. I'm less than human. I'm a monster. I can’t keep living. I can never walk in the light of day again.
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6. |
作VKRYLIK笑
01:29
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And yet somehow it is not the smile of a human being: it utterly lacks substance, all of what we might call the "heaviness of blood" or perhaps the "solidity of human life"—it has not even a bird's weight. It is merely a blank sheet of paper, light as a feather, and it is smiling. The picture produces, in short, a sensation of complete artificiality.
---
Has my face...always looked like that?
. . .
...What is this I'm feeling? It's almost like I'm some actor delivering empty lines for a stupid TV show.
And what's with this raging erection down in my pants that's refusing to go away...?
Just what is it that I even want to do...?
"Wow...It really feels like we're adults now doesn't it?"
And who the hell are you supposed to be..?
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7. |
電intrph.nesyndr.me波
01:09
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The cold winds blow much more meaninglessly than last year.
Incoherent thoughts drift in and out of my mind.
---
For the first time in a long time, I had a dream.
. . .
And so I opened the shutters tonight for the first time in 15 years.
I heard voices calling me.
I picked up radio waves that somebody had sent, in a plea for help.
I understood that somewhere, in this pointless, crude world filled with fear, somebody was calling out for help.
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8. |
日aprlfewl夜
01:33
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I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologize, I didn't really want to do it. I didn't mean any harm. It was just a joke at the start. But now...
. . .
Still, listen: You're wrong. You're making a mistake! I don't want to lock up a girl in my room or anything like that! I don't want to kidnap anyone! You're wrong. I'm not the one who committed that crime! Please, believe me! Trust me! Don't look at me like that! Don't look at me!
But... red schoolbags. And recorders. And innocent girls playing in the park. Gah!
---
Suddenly, I remembered that it was already July. It wouldn't be long. Something had to change soon. Likely, I would decide something before long. I was sure I'd be laughing then, laughing and smiling.
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9. |
dvydreemr
01:32
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At reunions and parties, everyone laughed and made a big fuss. Those events were fun, as was karaoke. Everyone had a good time and seemed sure that the future would be perfect: We could become
anything! We could do anything! We could become happy!
These things were true—but steadily, very steadily, at a speed so
terribly slow we didn't even notice it, we were being run down.
---
We wanted to smile casually and happily each day; we wanted to enjoy a normal, average, invigorating daily life. The incomprehensibly rough waves of fate have made it impossible, though—so, cry in despair! We really wanted to be useful to everyone, to be respected by everyone, to live in harmony with everyone. Now, though, we're lolicon hikikomori—so, cry in despair! You must cry!
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10. |
mnchld(d.ntgrwvp)
01:39
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"What a depressing child.
"Such a nuisance!
"He can't do anything by himself."
---
Oh, I wanted to become a strong person, a person who could be relied upon, who brightened surroundings just by being there. I wanted to spread good fortune. However, the reality is that I am a hikikomori—a hikikomori, afraid of the outside world.
I don't know why I'm so frightened, so frightened that I can’t do anything.
I'm no good anymore.
---
Don't look at me like that. What's with those expressions that seem to mix pity, derision, and fear? Don't... don't look at me. Don't look at me with those eyes!
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11. |
gayms
01:31
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What the hell has happened to us?
I tried worrying about this, but in the end, we were just two no-good hikikomori types, after all. I decided to continue my escape from reality.
That's right! Speaking of escapism, the best thing would be to create an erotic game.
. . .
Was this another form of escape from reality?
It was truly the ultimate way.
Nothing is better suited for escaping from reality than making an erotic game. After all, the genre itself aspires toward limitless escapism.
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12. |
flyabl_❤
01:22
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The future has already begun.
---
After all, in the current erotic game scene, games with little girl heroines were fairly common. In fact, it could even be said that Lolita-type characters directly symbolized this diseased media genre.
Now that I thought about it, another description for an erotic game was to call it a bishoujo game. Not a "beautiful woman" game but a "beautiful girl" game. I thought that some deep nexus of the problem was hidden around this point.
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13. |
羽luv2gv翼
01:43
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To start with, the heroines of erotic games are no more than fictional characters, drawn with two-dimensional computer graphics. In order to express innocence, purity, and femininity, there's no personification more appropriate than a little girl, is there? We're relaxed by the symbol of the little girl. And when they're 2D characters, they have no chance of dealing any blows to our fragile emotional state. On top of that, the motif becomes that of the weakest character possible in social, physical, and emotional senses—the little girl. Because of that double safety lock, we are protected from being hurt, and we can escape the fear of being rejected. That is to say, this is the true meaning of moe: ideal, young, innocent femininity.
Do you understand?
You do understand, don't you?
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14. |
l.wnr_
01:20
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Seriously, I was such a frightful hikikomori that I should have been approaching professional status. No matter whom I might be up against, I really doubted I'd lose easily to other hikikomori.
In fact, I was confident that if an "International Hikikomori Olympics" were to take place, I would score pretty well. I was certain I would beat out other hikikomori regardless of country, whether it was a Russian hikikomori who escaped through vodka, an English hikikomori whose escape was through drugs, or an American hikikomori who found escape by randomly shooting guns indoors.
---
I closed my eyes and thought back. Doing so, I soon realized that those memories would move in an emotionally difficult direction. I hurriedly opened my eyes and tried to stop thinking about it. However, the vector of my thoughts, once given a direction, could no longer be stopped.
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15. |
l.ngshdws(b.rn2lews)
00:54
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We were both laughing. "You're happy now, aren't you?" I asked.
"That's right."
"You're in a place where the giant organization can no longer reach you, right?"
"That's right," she repeated.
"Then, I'm going home."
Hunching over, I left the spot immediately. As I passed her, I stole a quick look. She was crying.
---
I understood her suffering, if only a little bit. It was just the very tip of her pain; even so, I could imagine it to some degree. She probably felt trapped, as though she'd run out of options. And her pain would never, ever disappear, not in her entire life.
Of course, that was natural. In a way, her pain was common to all mankind. It was an ordinary suffering. Everyone is troubled by similar feelings. I, too, was troubled by them.
Even if I keep living, there's nothing to be done. It's only pain.
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16. |
DVTVBVSEVNIMVL
01:50
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"How lovable," he continued, "are the girls who live in the two-dimensional world."
"How wonderful are those girls inside my monitor."
---
Singing. Dancing. Smiling. Laughing. .
I pondered this tremendous contradiction of experience, of how such contrived and artificial scenarios and stories could become so sincere and heartfelt. How something so fake could become so real.
What happened between episodes, I wondered? In the space between the last ED and the next OP--did they dream? Or was it nothingness reflected in the jubilant smiles and celebrations of song and dance? These Dionysian marionettes lost in animated adventure and ecstacy and exuberance and the irony of an endless summer vacation spent watching endless school days.
As I struggled to fall asleep I wondered if these bouts of dreamless unconsciousness punctuating these blank, sleep-deprived days and nights were in actuality just poorly-conceived narrative gaps in a cruelly constructed sequence of events I pathetically rationalized as a life.
Never end. Never stop singing and dancing and smiling and laughing.
Never wake up. Dream forever.
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17. |
憂HVPPYNSS鬱
01:42
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I don't know where to find happiness.
"So you only find happiness in your dreams."
Then... this is not reality? This world where no one exists?
"No. It is only a dream."
Then I don't exist here either.
"This convenient fabrication is your attempt to change reality."
Is that wrong?
"You were using fantasy to escape reality."
Why can't I dream that I'm alone?
"That is not a dream. That is a substitute for reality."
So, where is my dream?
"It is a continuation of reality."
But where is my reality?
"It is at the end of your dream."
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18. |
n.thngwr.ng
01:51
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There's no need for you to be sad. No need at all. Why must you be sad? If you always had to live in pain, lonely and suffering that would be irrational. It would be strange, wouldn't it? That's just nonsense.
That's why there has to be someone, somewhere, behind all this. A villain who forces you to suffer.
---
There weren't any villains, though. The world was just complicated
in various ways, and there weren't any obvious villains to be found. It
was excruciating.
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19. |
乙PLVSTIK女
01:39
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Laughing and talking just like any other normal girl...
No...Just like any other stupid, vapid girl.
---
Then, try being nice to me.
"We are nice to you."
Liars! You're just hiding behind those smiles, intentionally keeping things ambiguous!
---
"I mean, characters who start liking the protagonist without any real
reason, ones who get close to the protagonist out of pure good will, those kinds of characters."
. . .
"Characters without any hidden motives whatsoever, who would absolutely never betray the protagonist. The kinds of characters who could never exist in the real world."
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20. |
変RXMVNCE態
01:39
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Anxiety consumed me. Someone was trying to interfere with my escape.
The exit was blocked. I could see no hope. There was nothing I could do.
. . .
It was a spring of unending, depressive anxiety for me—the kind of spring that made me want to imitate Vincent Gallo in Buffalo 66. Entering the bathroom, I grasped my head and moaned, "I just can't go on living."
I need to die.
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21. |
迷h.mewrd子
01:37
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The passing housewives, high school girls, and older women all murmured these things each time I passed. I turned completely pale.
/Oh, I want to go home./
---
When I was little, my dream was to go to Tokyo University and become a great scholar. I wanted to invent something that would help all mankind.
And now, I'm a lolicon hikikomori!
You should cry. Yeah, that's right. Cry! Shed tears for my repulsive appearance!
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22. |
ltd.wn_(無言)
01:59
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I covered my face with both hands.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't want any more disgrace in my life.
---
Nobody understands me.
"You never understood anything."
I thought this was supposed to be a world without pain, and without uncertainty.
"That's because you thought that everyone else felt the same as you do."
You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!
"You misunderstood from the very beginning. You just believed what you wanted to believe."
Nobody wants me, so they can all just die.
"Then what are your hands for?"
Nobody cares whether or not I exist. Nothing ever changes, so they can all just die.
"Then tell me, what is your heart for?"
It would be better if I never existed. I should just die, too.
"Then why are you here?"
Is it okay for me to be here?
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23. |
記tyme憶
01:23
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Lately I had been living in the past. Every night, I dreamed of long ago: the hometown I yearned for, friends, family, things I hadn't liked, things that had made me happy, other various memories —fragments of all these things. My nightly dreams were gentle and melancholy.
---
Spending a whole day doing nothing...I never knew how scary it could be.
Round and round...
No amount of thinking did any good...and so many "what ifs" assaulted me.
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24. |
万LXNELYNSS年
02:36
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There were only two things that I understood: I was alone, and I was incredibly lonely.
---
Don't you understand? Listen carefully to what I'm saying. If you do, you'll get it. You can grasp this easily. In short... in short, I shut myself in because I'm lonely. Because I don't want to face any more loneliness, I shut myself away. Hey, do you understand? That's the answer!
There was no reply.
---
I thought that if I came here, I would find what I was looking for.
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25. |
∞/夢幻
01:06
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You know what happens when you spend 12 hours a day sitting at a desk trying to remember your dreams? You start to lose grasp of the dreams you saw. You don't know if it's the dream you saw last night or the night before, or if it's a continuation of the dream you saw two nights ago making its way into the dream you saw last night, or the dream you saw a year ago making its way into the dream you saw three years ago. The concept of time doesn't exist when you're in a dream to begin with.
And eventually, you start to think that all the dreams you saw are connected, and they become a world in itself. And when that happens, you're on the verge of losing your hold on reality. The dreams start to feel more real to you than the real world.
---
In actuality, there's nothing to do about a useless, recurring depression. A person could become disconsolate or angry. Even if they're enraged enough to punch something, they won't find a target. A huge organization... They wish that some huge, evil organization existed. That becomes our dream...
Terrible things inundate the world. This world is wrapped in complex, messed-up, senseless, and incomprehensible misfortune and sadness.
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26. |
insyde[駄目人間]
01:38
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(Ressentiment)
The author has multiple, terrible complexes and feelings, such as, "Why am I poor?"; "Why is my life not more comfortable?"; "Why can I not find a girlfriend?" His mind and body constantly are pressured, from both within and without.
Those pent-up grudges become endless feelings of hatred toward society. They become rage.
However, the largest source of rage is his own personal cowardice.
He is poor because he lacks the skill with which to earn money. He
has no girlfriend because he lacks charisma. But the process of seeing this truth and acknowledging his own incompetence requires quite a bit of courage. No human being, regardless of who they might be, wants to look directly at their own shortcomings.
---
/Yes, that's right. I am a hikikomori, a worthless person with a weak spirit.
Is that a problem? Just leave me alone, and I'll disappear quietly. I'm fine! It's all over!/
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27. |
_waytng
00:58
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He must know...
...that this instant is built on all those times we covered our eyes and ignored reality. He must know that from now on, we can't waste any chance that comes along.
This is the moment...
...when we change. No more taking our days for granted. We have to make something of them.
Our future...
What is our future...?
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28. |
ambivalence
01:35
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逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
逃げちゃ駄目だ
---
I wanted to cry.
I cried.
I wanted to die, but I couldn't die. If I could step out with only one foot, then this time, I could fly for sure. It was impossible. I couldn't do it. Both of my legs were shaking violently, and the sound of my heart beating was ridiculously loud. I felt terrible, I was nauseated, and I didn't want to be there anymore.
I was crying out for someone to do something. I was crying that I wanted to die. Kill me right now, I thought. I wished for someone to push me.
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29. |
ねぐせ
02:19
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The desire to change.
The desire to stay the same.
---
For some reason, I suddenly remember what happened a year and a half ago.
So much time has gone by since that day. So much has happened. And yet, not really.
Is this what life is like?
---
"The you of right now is all there is to you."
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30. |
notyet.(100年後)
01:33
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Why were we so sad? Why were we so lonely?
Do you know the reason?
Oh, I understand. It's because we're about to part, about to say farewell. That's why we're trembling. We're forever alone, and we're forever lonely. That's how it always is, the way it's supposed to be. Everyone is like this, so don't hate yourself.
Don't hate yourself.
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31. |
btfldrmr_
02:09
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And that's what happened to these people. They immersed themselves in their dreams so much that their minds were consumed by these dreams.
They couldn't tell the difference between dream and reality, and they started seeing things that weren't there, waving around knives at public baths, raping women, and pouring hydrochloric acid from building rooftops to fight off nonexistent enemies.
---
You don't understand at all. What's the difference between reality and the dreams I make? I've been making and living in other people's dreams since I was born.
Can't I have a dream of my own, just this once? Oh, why do they always have to be destroyed?
(dotherightthing.)
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32. |
空ΔSCENSIXN電
01:12
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. . .
We shall rise above the "Rankings" and enter into a new level.
A new world in which there exists neither hatred nor greed.
We shall join hand in hand, in order to enter into a new level and embark on our journey to the "Land of Comfort."
---
Watch my special attack and burn it into your mind. Look, can you see it? Can you see the Revolutionary Bomb, brightly shining in my right hand? It's the Revolutionary Bomb that Yamazaki refrained from using, an earth- shattering bomb that destroys villains. It's very, very weak, far too weak to blow away the N.H.K. But it's more than strong enough to snuff out this minuscule, pathetic, worthless living creature—in short, me. And if I die, my N.H.K. also will disappear, because the N.H.K. is God. It is the entire world. And with my death, my world will dissipate. And the N.H.K. will disappear. That's exactly why I need to do my special attack right now, with the legendary Revolutionary Bomb.
---
疲れたな…
寝る。
「ありがとう、またいつか」
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33. |
真sndcstls心
01:25
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("Hey, come on! Let's build a sand castle!")
---
The Revolutionary Bomb disappeared without going off.
I screamed, "Is that how you do it?! You cowards!"
No answer came back to me.
. . .
In the end, nothing at all had been resolved. It wasn't as though anything had changed. "Let's look forward in life"? Are you an idiot?! We have dreams, so we're okay? We don't have any kind of dreams!
I wondered if I would have to go on living every day, whispering to myself, /I can't take it anymore./
Is that okay? What do you think?
---
And so we made our return to the "other side". "The land of corruption, obscenity, recalcitrance, vapidity and worthlessness."
---
気持ち悪い。
(I need you.)
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34. |
オカエリナサイ
01:15
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"Well, come on in!"
Uh, pardon the intrusion...
"This is /your/ home now."
. . .
...I'm home.
"Welcome home."
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