Teaboy's Basic(ish) Reviews....I read a lot of reviews when looking at games on Steam, and it quickly gets tiring – those who write involved, down to the micron scale reviews, although helpful, end up like looking at War & Peace when you’ve only got time for a quick 5 minute dump! This is middle of the road and to the point – not easy for me as I tend towards sesquipedalian loquaciousness! Vociferously Verbose? Alright, verbal diarrhoea. (Although I hate panning a developer’s work and all the time, effort and love they put into designing these – it is their life after all – this is my honest, personal opinion of my level of enjoyment. Sorry devs!).

A note on time played: My Steam clock does not seem to work properly, indeed, it even minuses time on occasion! Plus, I have a tendency to wander off and leave games running at times, so time played may not be entirely accurate!


Teaboy’s Tonsil Titillators or Toenail Titbits! (Rating)

Tonsil Tickler (Totally Tops): The frenchy of which you always dreamt! To quote a master, “She’s got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a Man’s tonsils!”. An absolute masterpiece and joy to play.

The Tits (Terrific): Everyone loves playing with these! Not THE best bit, but such fun on their own you can be lost for hours....mmmm. What most games you really like score – perfection is so rare after all.

Torso Teaser (Taker of your Time): It’s a flat stomach....sure it’s nice to look at, run your fingers over, slobber on a bit, sometimes that bellybutton gets your motor running....but it's just basically the corridor between the two ‘gaming rooms’. The definitive ‘Meh’ - the middle ‘sideways thumb’ option for which everyone on Steam cries.

Todger/Tadger & (scroTum) Taters (Tedious): Is it an ‘a’ or is it an ‘o’? Who cares! The meat can be fun to play with for about 5 minutes of your entire day, the rest it just hangs there and generally gets in the way of doing something else. The main problem of course, is the two veg sticking to your inside thigh. This is what this game feels like – the occasional/rare bouts of fun, the rest bobbing like a 19th century British Policeman (now you know why!).

Toenail Tornado (Total Toss): A playthrough so appalling it’s like being trapped in a Turkish sauna with the ugliest, hairiest, fattest, sweatiest beast of a neolithic hominid who’s trimming his toenails using pliers and the splinters are reminiscent of a scene from the Normandy Landings. My god how did this get released!?


Teaboy Touts (Score): Torso Taters?


The Review:

My review score is confused on this one. But all in all, I cannot recommend a game that simply seems to hate its players SO MUCH! Other down votes have blamed difficulty - well, they are ALL spot on. The game is crucifyingly punishing.

Controls are actually Very responsive, and boy do they need to be. Now this is a Big plus as there are so many games with just utter ♥♥♥♥♥ controls - no idea wtf these devs do to create such unresponsive reactions - but the precision required is not just ricokulously difficult, but also Two-Fold! Not only is it 'land on this pinhead whilst moving at this speed' (is that two-fold already? Should it be three-fold?) but then there's the sheer number of button pushes ALL within half a second! You will face multiple, Multiple points where you need to shoot red, jump, turn, float towards with blue magnetic powers, switch to red, shoot blue, move, drop, switch colour to repel, switch colour to attract, turn, drop, jump....and no, I'm not embellishing that!

Then you MUST collect the collectables!?!? They act as a key. You do unlock where they all are at certain point, but only what 'room' they are in, not whereabouts. It is also one of those games where death is Essential to learning the routine to progress. In E V E R Y effing ROOM!!!! To do the above button mashing in a particular room took me effing AGES. The same single jump, followed by experimenting with all those buttons to move along. Honestly died 30-40 times JUST to learn what was needed. Then actually succeed with the TIMING, and that's the First platform in a room with half a dozen or so.

"Git Gud". Yeah yeah. Seriously, give it a go - jump to one colour, ride along to a different one, then drop to a colour and bounce to another - the mind literally melts....does blue attract to blue above and repel below? UM, yes? But then throw in red, and then blue above, red below, dash to blue above, blue below, red below, red above....mix that up randomly again and again, throw in electric barriers you have to phase-dash through and hit the right colour to either attract or repel....omfg.

Sorry, I just can't see myself finishing it after finding I think is the final boss, but I'm not sure, how difficult it is, having an entire other way to go but not being able to get anywhere - am I missing something or do I have to defeat him to progress, but I thought he was the final? It's just too frustrating. I gave it a damn good go, but no, not this time methinks.

Maybe one day I'll come back....but I seriously doubt I'll care. Been two weeks and I've almost forgotten how far I got/where I got stuck.

Don't punish yourself, unless you sadistically love this ultra-punishing type of platformer. Die baby, die. Big raspberry!