Recent reviews by hiekka

bring back armor king

lee chaolan my beloved <3


xlnt~

This is the best game i have ever played. I love this game so much. It is my favourite game. Rock 'n stone

♥♥♥♥ game

Now that Elden Ring has been out for a while, a good number of players have had enough time to complete their first playthroughs. While I’ve seen many discussions about the PvP meta, the fairness of gank fights, and the tendency for Elden Beast to run away like it owes me child support, I have seen a resounding lack of conversation around topics like whether or not my beloved Mimic Tear is capable of reproduction, though we may have to wait for VaatiVidya for that one.

Anyways, since “Maidenless behavior” is quite popular these days, I figured it was time for somebody to review Elden Ring in a new lens. So here I am - I’ll be giving my own personal opinion on the fappability of the Elden Ring characters. Keep in mind that many things will be left off of this list, as development time was running too long and we had to cut some questlines lackluster entries.

Character Creation - 8/10 Starting the review, the sensible thing to look at is the character creator. It’s largely similar to its Dark Souls 3 counterpart, but manages to output fairly human-looking characters if you use it just right. For the more adventurous, monstrosities are still very easy to make. A lack of boob sliders takes some points away, but overall, it’s a great iteration in the soulsbornekiroring series, definitely something memorable for those looking for a more personalized experience, but don’t expect modded Skyrim.

NPCs -10/10 Elden Ring may or may not have the pinnacle of memorable NPCs in the series. The first Dark Souls still contends its spot on the throne in this category for characters such as Sunbro Solaire, Blacksmith Andre, Amazing Chest Gwynevere, and the connoisseur’s Gwyndolin. Elden Ring is far from lacking, however. The game starts off slightly weaker, with Varré and Kalé being the first NPCs you meet. Many players will agree that it picks up speed once you encounter Melina and the witch Renna. Melina, permanently winking, offers to act as your maiden, a shining ray of kindness in an unforgiving world. Renna, later known additionally as Ranni, is a mysterious character with a fantastic questline for those who are looking for a mistress to serve, or simply want to see what those 4 hands could do. In Roundtable Hold we will see more fantastic appearances, such as Fia, who will attempt to numb the pain of being as lonely as your average Strength user, Roderika, a sweet girl who I can’t bring myself to sexualize for this stupid ass review, Hewg, who I can, Nepheli Loux, who I’d let beat me up any day, and the Two Fingers, whose political views I find rather abhorrent but don’t detract from their innate sexuality. There’s also Blaidd and Alexander, for those with more particular tastes (well, Blaidd’s pretty handsome I guess…). There are also some honorable mentions, such as the Dung Eater, for those of you who I’d rather not talk to, Lady Tanith, a great match for lonely Tarnished who need to sate their bloodlust by spamming Moonveil invasions, Sellen, for those with a teacher fetish, and the noble Goldmask, who will give about as much interaction to you as most women.

Minor Enemies - 3/10 There are too many enemies in Elden Ring to fit in this review, but I’ll go over the highlights. Nothing here matches up to DS2’s desert pyromancers, and overall the minor encounters feel a bit disappointing. The Iron Virgins are there for anyone who likes being… grabbed… and eaten… yeah, forget that one. Nox Swordstresses will happily whip you, so get going to Noxstella if you’d like that. Caelid has some… no, Caelid doesn’t have anything. Don’t talk about the dogs and the birds in Caelid. The second-generation Albinaurics look quite adorable with their frog-alien heads, and they’re actually quite agile. In the Dragonbarrow, you can take on several dragons at once (you know who you are). I really regret doing this. The Pillsbury Dough Trumpet Onions will blow your mind with their curves! This is terrible. Do you like Royal Revena

Bosses - 8/10 From the withering failure that is the minor enemies, Fromsoft brings it back in the bosses category, making sure everyone’s Fromhard. I’m sorry. Margit the Fell Omen is a fairly weak start, but Godrick the Grafted’s many hands more than make up for it. Leonine Misbegotten is a fun addition for the furries out there. We see Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon, who strangely enough wants to give birth to you, so I guess… uh… Radahn is an absolute chad who don’t need no maidens. While his size might look appealing, he remains sadly out of reach of us lowly Tarnished. The Ulcerated Tree Spirit Godskin Noble is big and most certainly beautiful, and excels at thrusting attacks. Godskin Apostle on the other hand is great if you like yourself a contortionist, and who doesn’t? Tibia Mariner is a pinnacle of game design and I would let them bash their boat in my head in again. Morgott makes his return under a new name and… stinks up the thrones at the Erdtree? Mimic Tear gives us some much-needed spice with the cultured selfcest option, a personal favorite. Astel, Naturalborn of the Void is quite honestly one of the prettiest ladies I have ever set my eyes upon. And let’s not forget about Godfrey/Hoarah Loux - for those into being stomped on, he’s a perfect match. Radagon is as close as we’ll get to the Queen Marikussy, but it’s good enough. Elden Beast is always there if you want to ♥♥♥♥ a cosmic tardigrade god. And probably the greatest of the bosses, Malenia, Blade of Miquella and Goddess of Rot, has captivated the souls community with her scarlet rotussy. I hate everything.

Overall - 8.5/10 Elden Ring holds up as a great game to play alone at night. It’s certain that Miyazaki’s vision is upheld, with an unparalleled amount of bare feet and messages reading “try fingers but hole” and “still no head?” Above all, while there are definite gaps in fappable content, there is so much that this game is worth getting for its price tag. Let me know of any great characters or enemies that you would have put on this list!

this is one of the games ever

i want to ♥♥♥♥ cortana

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