Recent reviews by Xander77

Come on. You've heard all about the greatest RPG ever, the culmination a game trilogy that went from underwhelming to amazing, a book series that went from amazing to underwhelming, and the basis for a TV series that comes very close to rivaling the quality of Xena: Warrior Princess.

It's one of the relatively few games that's known even outside gaming circles. And obviously, the only reason you haven't bought it yet, is because you were waiting for my review.


A lot of stuff and a lot of good writing.

An open world game with a fairly huge scope, but with every single sidequest has actually had care of attention lavished upon it. No more frills-free sidequests or requests to farm ten bear-asses - everything happens for a reason and has an interesting story of some sort attached to it.

Beyond care an attention, the world and characters benefit from the source material. Slavic folklore is a lot less worn out than LotR inspired generic fantasy. The world and returning characters have a lot of flavor and personality, due to all the combined work of Pan Sapkowski (the writer for the original series) and the previous 2 games.

Even the main quest, which is the weakest part of the story, has some really good setpieces.


There might be a bit too much to do, as with all open world games. Even a completionist like your truly would recommended not exploring every floating bit of debris in the Skellige seas.

Some of the returning characters etc only really work if you care about them from previous games and books. But the books haven't all been translated into English (and the existing translations aren't great) and even fans of the series would recommend you skip Witcher 1 (and maybe 2 as well). The main antagonists end up being completely flat as a result.

Most importantly the (quote unquote) actual gameplay isn't that great. The combat system is just about serviceable, but there are few genuinely memorable things about the fights and not a whole lot of strategy. The enemy levels and loot system is absolutely terrible. There's no reason to fight high-level enemies (it's incredibly tedious and unrewarding), and having level restricted loot is the dumbest idea imaginable. This is the main reason why I'm not that hyped about Cyberpunk 2077.

Also - it's really buggy. Like really[imgur.com] damned buggy.


I wrote a fairly decent guide detailing stuff I found worth knowing about in advance.


Yeah, def. It's still the best open world epic fantasy game out there. I have some issues with it not being perfect after all that hype, but it's not like you'll find something better any time soon.

First, I'm going to explain what it's not.

It's an RPG, but you're not the Chosen One out to save the world.

It's a detective story, but it deliberately breaks every rule of the "fair play" murder mystery.

It's an adventure game, but you never have to click every item in your inventory on the environment.

It's a neo-noir modern fantasy allegory, about an irreparably broken world and a seemingly irreparably broken protagonist. First and foremost, it's a story about repairing yourself, before possibly getting a start on fixing the world around you.


The writing. It's good. It's good writing by modern novel standards, which makes it great writing by genre standards and outright unbelievably great by videogame standards. It touches on politics, psychological malfunction, abuse, colonialism, police procedurals, slapstick comedy, and transcendental spiritual experiences. And it nails just about everything it goes for.


Some of the mechanics are a bit obtuse. Also, a fast-travel option couldn't hurt. I get it - an NPC that I feel compelled to work with is very hard and annoying to reach. It's a metaphor. But I'd still pay for a "portal between the container and the bar" DLC.

Final Cut edit - there's fast travel, but it's kinda terrible, and still doesn't take you to Evrart's container and back. Shame.


I mean... I wrote four separate guides to this game, which I'd advise you to check out. These[www.beforeiplay.com] are probably the main tips I'd recommend before you start playing.


Oh yes. Absolutely. 100%. Play this, replay this, it's my GOTY 2019.

Incredibly hard for a casual game and not really much of a story. Not recommended.

In more detail:

I've played a LOT of Gamehouse games, and the entire Fabulous series. I thought the plots were generally good enough to serve as a decent sitcom episode and keep me invested, while the gameplay occasionally whirred between challenging and frustrating, but was never outright impossible.

Neither is the case here. The plot deals with Angela working in a series of wedding-dress stores. The weddings which serve as the focus for each episode are not her own, nor of any particularly major character (2 moderately recurring characters who are introduced in this game and a bunch of one-offs). There aren't really any stakes for Angela herself.

But that's mostly besides the point - the plot is marginally amusing, if not quite "burn down your high-school reunion and spend an episode in jail" levels of fun.

The real problem? The game is incredibly, unreasonably hard. For some god forsaken reason, the creators decided to rebalance the gameplay after the game was ported to PC, so that it's impossible to get three stars in many levels even with all the upgrades. The suggested solution for those having trouble? Fail each levels once, getting no stars, so that you restart with a pity bonus.

To reiterate - I've completed a LOT of these games, and never felt so unreasonably frustrated. Not recommended.

I bought this game despite having never watched the show it's based on, mostly because the game company lost the license, so it was the last chance to pick it up. So the review isn't even going to be particularly relevant going forward, but still...

I would describe gamehouse plots as sitcomey in the best ways. Properly insane, dramatic, occasionally actually funny, and influenced by 90's and 2000's comedies (i.e, not 100% generic formula). This game leans very heavily into the most generic jokes and situations that were probably heavily dated back in the 60's, when the actual show was on the air. It's absolutely ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ insufferable.

Gameplay? Annoying all around. A lot of malignant architecture placed specifically to make your character take the long way around and waste your time. Gameplay elements that are never explained (pick up items that look like background elements for bonus points, for instance). None of the improvements you can purchase explain what the actual in-game effect is.

Anyways. Gamehouse has plenty of similar games with better storylines, better humor, better gameplay. Avoid. I'm refunding this one.

I had fun with pretty much every entry in this series. This was just plain dull. Couldn't be bothered to finish it.

Customers enter your store / diner / movie studio / torture dungeon. They want to be measured for a suit, pick up a bottle of perfume, have a steak dinner to go or have all their nails torn out. Unfortunately, all the products are scattered across the poorly designed store, and some have to prepared (steak cooked, dress made on the spot, pincers heated) before they are ready.

The longer the costumers wait, the less points you get for eventually servicing them, until they finally escape your dungeon after running out of patience. You get bonuses for serving people quickly, but also for giving them all the products they asked for at once, serving several people in a row without picking up more products, etc. So you have to plan your route on the fly to make the most points and ace each level.

Each level also has a special condition of some sort that will provide a bonus - catch all the mice, ignore any customer asking for a red item, shoot every tax collector that walks in within 10 seconds. You generally don't actually need to complete every level with full marks to continue on to the next one, but if you don't, then you won't exactly find much of a challenge.

It's a remarkably flexible genre, allowing the protagonist to do everything from running a family restaurant (in a different setting every 10 levels, just to keep things fresh) to conquering the high fashion world (while also serving food during some stages, for some reason) to being a doctor (also changing specializations every ten levels. After all, the only difference between urine analysis and open heart surgery is the exact flavor of minigame involved).

At the start and end of every level you get a bit of ongoing story - help your grandpa recover from his amnesia, romance the hospital administrator and help him kick his pill habit, catch the serial killer, and find a home for all those adorable puppies you just helped bring into the world.


Mostly iterative differences in terms of mechanics and game optimization, as well how stupid / crazy / good the story gets.

It's insane just how much a minor improvement in terms of speed makes the game that much more addictive and accessible. I really loved Delicious Emily: Message in a Bottle, for being the first Diner Dash clone I really played, and having a properly insane story. But trying to replay it now, this really simple former mobile game takes like 20 seconds just to launch. By contrast, I can access actual gameplay in Angela's True Colors in 5 seconds or so.

Same deal with (say) customer waiting time or how long it takes you to prepare items. Customers in Message in a Bottle can crowd the counter for 10 to 15 seconds before they actually make a decision. By contrast, customers in True Colors take exactly 2-3 seconds to ask for a product. Simple changes that greatly improve player convenience and how addictive the game experience is. Been a while since I really felt the "just another 2-3 levels - just another store upgrade and a bit of story - oh whoops, I've been at it for hours" level of interest.

Gamehouse games have some very deep lore and an extensive multiverse with between-games continuity. Emily runs a restaurant in a small mid-western town, but constantly finds reasons to run other food places around the world. Her sister Angela re-conquers the fashion world in New York every game anew (and find a reason to go back to said mid-western town once per game). There's the town doctor, the town vet, the local hair salon, the burgeoning mid-west movie scene, all of which have their own game series. I'm not entirely sure how the homicide detectives and the Love Boat crew are connected, though I would have really appreciated it if the evil rival fashion designer ended up carted away as a result of (checks the Gamehouse catalog...) Parker and Lane's CSI skills.

As you can imagine, the story is unironically great, in that whole "it takes a village to get one fashion designer to the top... again... for the whatever time". It even deals with my minor annoyances from previous Angela games - you don't spend half the game serving food for some reason, and the customers are actually a supportive presence. Seriously - previous gamehouse games had the customers in a family-restaurant be a necessary evil at best and a huge annoyance at worst, so I appreciate the change.

Anyways. Quick to launch, good difficulty balance, neat storyline. Recommended.

What is it?

It's basically Gwent, the Witcher (adjacent) adventure game. Gwent is a card game, first introduced in The Witcher 3, inexplicably ending up more popular than dice poker or QTE fist fights. There was also a stand-alone "free" Gwent game that I didn't really get into, not being a big fan of micro-transactions.

Thronebreaker takes place during the second Nilfgaard invasion of the Northlands - the big climactic confrontation at the end of the Witcher book series, before the games timeline. Meve, queen of Lyria and Rivia, is fighting the invasion and gathering allies across 5 different maps + an epilogue. Along the way she fights a LOT of enemies in Gwent battles, and makes quite a few CYOA decisions. Per Witcher tradition, some decisions will have unexpected repercussions down the line.

Each chapter's overworld is basically a dungeon map - linear with some some sidepaths (circumscribed by hedges, fences, and other stuff that shouldn't be an obstacle for an army), littered with loot, sidequests and (fixed position) random encounters.

You gather and manage two types of resources (gold + everything else) to get more cards / access to different cards / bonuses, as well as keep track of your army's morale (buffs / debuffs).

A few Gwent battles are the traditional "best two out of three rounds" affair. Most are one round long and often have rules / cards that are specific to this encounter. Every 5th encounter or so is a "puzzle", where you get a custom deck and have to figure out exactly how your cards interact to (for example) eliminate every enemy in one move or avoid losing even a single ally. (Edit - some of those really could be explained better. You basically have to die and reload a checkpoint once you realize that going into this battle with the Manticore trophy means you auto-lose, or that this relic will only kill your troops if you don't kill the boss in one hit)

What's wrong with it?

I enjoy Gwent. The voice acting is good (except for the narrator), the decisions are occasionally interesting and the overall storyline is ok, if uninspired. So why do I find myself unengaged, putting off completing the game in favor of doing anything else?

I'm going to go over the annoyances the game presents in the order I've encountered them, which is (coincidentally) also their approximate order of importance.

1. We start with two different framing device videos of a storyteller going "let me tell you the story of queen Meve". They're dull as ♥♥♥♥, they don't have anything to do with anything, and they play every single time you start the game. Not start a new campaign - every time you start the game itself. And this is not a game you'll finish 3-4 sittings - it's 40+ hours long.

I eventually had to edit the game files to get rid of this intro. I know other people are less sensitive to having their time wasted this way, but ctfo. Who thought this was a good idea?

2. Start the game proper - and the cutscenes don't play. Common error, apparently. Suggested fix doesn't work. Have to watch the cutscenes on youtube. Cool.

3. Any number of minor bugs that have first been noted last year and that no one bothered to fix. It really feels like no one gave a ♥♥♥♥ about this game once it was out, developers and players alike.

Minor stuff thus far, but it helps explain the major issue:

4. By the time I started chapter 4 out of 5 (+epilogue) I basically upgraded everything I had just by running around the map, not even bothering to optimize. Was the game a chapter or two too long? No, rather each chapter was padded with 25% or so needless and repetitive random encounters and loot with no story consequences. The third or fourth time you fight the exact same enemy deck within the hour, while your own deck remains exactly the same, gets really tiresome.

Doesn't help that all the animations that you can't turn off make each game take forever. I could finish 2-3 levels of my favorite Diner Dash clone (with story bits in the middle) in the time it takes to finish a single 3 round Gwent battle. Someone obviously understood the problem involved, hence why you get so many 1 round and puzzle battles, but the game is still padded and stretched to hell.

Edit - Oh yeah, and just wandering around the map and picking up loot is also pointlessly slow. You get TWO separate upgrades to your running speed in the overworld, and every pickup requires you to hold down a button for a few seconds.

5. Ok, but some people really love them some Gwent, and would love to have endless Gwent battles. Fine. There's a Gwent opponent in your camp, and the really obvious thing to do is to give you the option to re-fight every Gwent game you've ever won against them. Maybe you could even use enemy decks when practicing in camp, since trying out different decks is half the fun of a Gwent game.

Nope, that's not a thing. Neither is new game plus with your current deck. You can't even save before a particularly interesting fight, because (say it with me) - there's only one, automatic, save file. On a PC game. In 2019.

So you have a lot of deeply samey and tiresome combat, and you can't even re-fight those matches that were interesting without restarting the entire game.

6. Despite the title, you don't even really do any thronebreaking :\

This is a totally adorable little adventure game. It's "inspired" by Monkey Island without being a total ripoff.

I LP'd it[lparchive.org], just in case you need a walkthrough / something to convince you the game is worth your time and money.

BTW, the game is absolutely worth 2$ and two hours of your time.

I had a LOT of impressions as I played through this game. Instead of writing a review that's several pages long, I'm going to link to an impressions post and summarize stuff here:

It's amazing just how obviously filler and disposable this game is. I never really got the whole "these games come out every year, you're not really supposed to be invested in an individual entry" thing people talk about - sidequels, sure, but I always thought someone cared about "main" entries. Not this one though - it's just another Madden A$s Creed in setting X". The modern day plot outright hates you for caring about it, the historical plot uses the revolution as a background that barely even matters and doesn't do any work to make you care about the characters, and finally, all the gameplay aspects - the collect-a-thons, parkour, stealth and combat - are worse than in the previous games. Y

Ubisoft released it for free following the Notre Dame fire, and if your only intent is to tour virtual Paris for an hour or so, it's a good use of your time. Otherwise - avoid.

When I bought the very first game in this series, I was addicted to the gameplay, and hoped it would borrow the basic sequel style other casual games, like the Delicious Emily series, adopted - keep the basic gameplay style and some of the sprites, change the story, levels, powerups, make minor tweaks to the gameplay, change the music (since you're using royalty-free tunes regardless).

What actually happened is that the exact same game was re-released over and over and over with practically no changes. The story was different, but unlike the Emily series, the story amounts to a terrible cutscene every 10 levels. Everything else was exactly the same. Music, powerups, sprites, everything. It got old. I play one of these games every 6 months or so, and finish them in a few days, and it still got very old.

Until this one. This is the one where someone decided to invest the bare modicum of expected effort. New free tunes (well chosen, I really enjoyed the western inspired one) new sprites, some actual fun banter that makes the game story feel like more of a story, at least a few new interesting powerups and levels designs... even the story was less terrible than usual - the sort of thing that could make for an actual funny story, if anyone would invest the effort.

This series is constantly on sale for 50 cents or so, and I'd definitely recommend buying at least the first installment and this one.