Truth, Doubt or Lie - Steam Curator

I have been exposed to a highly stressful gameplay. Age of Empires II is an RTS game that features a lot of micro-managing. However, I thought it would be interesting to analyze more on why and how does this game create such an impact on me. I usually don't like just saying "I can't", "couldn't" or "don't want to". I believe you will grow as a person if you analyze your mistakes and learn from them. It's easy to just take up your stuff and leave when unhappy or unsatisfied with your results (like a little girl) without looking back or taking a closer look and understanding what caused the unhappiness or unsatisfaction.

Stress. But, is it a game or is it you? I believe that entire stress that I got while playing this game is due to my own beliefs, incompetence and ideology. It's actually an irony when you dissect it and take a closer look.

• On one hand, I want to win and beat the other person. Therefor, I want to be competitive.
  
• On the other hand, competitive gameplay makes my life hurt. Both in sucking time from my real life and ultimately producing unhappiness i.e. game stops being fun after some point.

Example. You come home, tired after a hard day of work and all you want to do is relax. Maybe watch a movie, read a book or play a video game - some kind of stress relief. You just want to put a smile on your face.

You start a game, but soon you get that competitiveness itch. Now, why do I pursue this competitiveness - I asked myself. After some hard thinking, it came down to my own personality (I am very competitive due to an environment I grew in) and even sometimes due to real life problems or unsatisfaction in real life. Sometimes, problems in real life can be hard and they can put you down or give you a feeling that you are worthless or a failure. No one likes to fail. However, you usually pick yourself up, say you lost a battle but not a the war. That sort of thinking is great. But sometimes, sometimes, you want to run away from that failure. You don't want to acknowledge it - maybe you feel ashamed compared to your colleges or buddies. Gaming is a great way to escape from that failure or reality and get into a new one. This is especially true with no-ending games like multi-player games or even sometimes with an open world no-ending single-player games.

Finally, there you are. Wasting time on not playing the game, but rather learning about all the little things, quirks and etc. that will improve your gameplay while at the same time creating an unhealthy ratio between gaming and real life. All this, just so that you can be ultimately better and win. Because, you want to feel that dopamine and satisfaction. Because, you want to feel the sense of accomplishment since of that failure in real life i.e. your inability to change real life for the better has gotten the best of you and now you seek it in virtual world.

However, soon, the amount of stress becomes worse and greater then real life (thankfully paradox comes to a rescue - but, not for everyone). Soon you start asking yourself - "weren't the games supposed to be fun"? You start seeing others playing games and enjoying it actually. You ask yourself: "When did it stop being fun for me?" "When did it start being an investment?" It takes a lot of time to realize that one is not having fun as in the early days of gameplay. A lot of time to realize that it is becoming a stress and obligation i.e. a commitment. Thank God I do stop at some point and I do realize that it's having a negative effect on me. There is something in me, like a switch that clicks every time I fall into this rabbit hole. However, problems is, I always fall in the same trap with a new game I get immersed with. So, that is why I am here. I am writing this down in order to remind my future self of this problem, because I am sick of falling for the same ♥♥♥♥ just in different package.

As for the Age of Empires II, game has a beautiful single-player campaign and soundtrack. If you don't want that competitiveness, there is a great game for you here.