BONUS

As we all know, Hillary’s husband Bill spent four of the last five years of his life bribing, I mean, appealing to congress to give him a third term as president. Following his re-election, Bill perished during a five day long bubble bath. He entered the bath with two meatball hoagies, a bottle of wine, and a mixtape of his favorite saxophone solos. After consuming the first hoagie, he was far too full of freedom to exit the tub. Hillary found him almost immediately. Had she desired to do so, she could have saved the president in an instant. She ignored the pleas he made between bites of the second hoagie, took a long draught from the wine, and enacted other plans. Hillary brought a proposal to congress and congress voted to create a panel to discuss whether or not pulling the president from the tub was fiscally responsible. His presence in the tub, some argued, raised the tubs water efficiency level and hundreds of Big Macs remained uneaten in his absence. That panel then went through several votes as how best to react to the president’s plight, how funds should be raised to enact their plan, and who’s turn it was to pay for lunch. Of course, it was the taxpayer’s turn to pay every time. The president died of starvation on the fifth day of deliberations. He lost enough weight to leave the tub on the third day, but his fingers were pruney and he could not hold a grip on his porcelain casket. Other persons present could have helped him but most thought it would be gay to touch a naked man while a mixtape of jazz music played. Of course, as we all know, one out of every five white males are mandated to be gay, castrated, or fans of soft jazz music by law but all present were either minorities or had waivers