House of Julii:
Step 1: Disband all of your units Except one Bireme and one Hastati.
Step 2: Besiege Mediolanium or Patavium with the one Hastati then Unsiege and disband the Hastati.
Step 3: Put your entire family on the Bireme.
Step 4: Now try to find pirates thatll massacre the bireme and your entire family lineage. At this point its a race between your suicidal tendancies and the Gauls taking your towns. remember to refuse ALL adoptions.

House of Brutii:
Step 1: Disband all of your units Except one Bireme.
Step 2: Put your entire family on the Bireme.
Step 3: Bring the Bireme to Sparta and besiege and assault it. Make sure the spartan hoplites kill off your entire family tree.
Congratulations you killed your entire family you sick bastard.

House of Scipii:
Step 1: Disband all of your units Except one Bireme.
Step 2: Put your entire family on the Bireme.
Step 3: Bring the Bireme to Hannos army. and let the elephants slaughter your family members one by one. Alternatively you could bring the army to Syracuse and tactically kill yourself with the hoplites.

SPQR:
Step 1: Disband all of your units.
Step 2: Build a Bireme.
Step 3: Put your entire family on the Bireme.
Step 4: Land in sicily
Step 5: attack Hannos army. make sure the elephants murder your generals. a way to do this is to face ur generals backwards and spam the backspace key. This strategy even works against peasants.

Britons:
Ok youre really trying here. Even if you just spammed ended the turns for about 600 turns the AI wont even have landed one man on the british isles.
Step 1: Disband all of your units Except one Boat.
Step 2: Put your entire family on the Boat.
Step 3: Bring the Boat to the nearest germanic army and tactically murder all your f*ckin chariots against the spear warband.

Gauls:
Step 1: Disband all of your units
Step 2: Consolidate all of your family members in Alesia
Step 3: Attack the nearest german army if it has 4 spear warbands you should be able to tactically kill off your entire family lineage in one battle.

Germans:
Step 1: Disband all of your units
Step 2: Consolidate all of your family members in Trier
Step 3: tactically Murderf*ck your entire family against the british chariots and stack in Samarobriva.

Greek City States:
Step 1: Disband all your units. ( Yes including those precious spartans )
Step 2: In that same turn Siege every settlement you can with your single general armies thats spread out.
Step 3: When the enemy inevitably sallies kill off your family members one by one tactically in each battle.

Seleucid Empire:
Step 1: * Breathes Air *
Step 2: Get murderf*cked by everything with a pulse within a few turns.

Parthia:
Step 1: Disband your entire army.
Step 2: Max out taxes on Campus Sakae and move your family member in it towards Campus Alanni to die against scythians.
Step 3: Suicide your general in Susa against the Seleucid militia hoplites in Seleucia
Step 4: Sucide your general in Arsakia into the nearest Armenian stack

Egypt:
Step 1: Disband your entire army.
Step 2: Build a Bireme anywhere really.
Step 3: Put your entire family on the Bireme.
Step 4: Send the Bireme to Antioch and Siege it.
Step 5: When the Seleucids eventually Sally Suicide charge your entire family into the Militia Hoplites forming a perfect Phalinx.

Carthage:
Step 1: Disband your entire army. except the two Biremes.
Step 2: Round up your entire family tree into the Biremes.
Step 3: Combine the Biremes.
Step 4: Commit suicide by charging your family members into the Roman Senate's army Make Hannibal proud.