Before you get to chopping heads off with Geralt’s sexy voice narrating your every kill, you’ll need to master the art of Character Creation. Since Geralt of Rivia looks like a shampoo commercial gone wrong no matter what, you don’t actually get to customize his appearance. However, you can make important decisions like choosing his difficulty setting.

Just the Story (Easy): You are here for the sweet cutscenes and to feel like a god among peasants. The monsters basically roll over and give you their lunch money.

Sword and Story (Normal): A reasonable choice for those who like balance but still want to cut through enemies like they're butter on a warm day.

Blood and Broken Bones (Hard): Ah, so you like a challenge! Your sword will break constantly, you’ll die from a fall the height of a kitchen step stool, and drown because you thought Geralt could hold his breath for more than 3 seconds. Good luck.

Death March (Nightmare): You hate yourself and have nothing better to do than fight a pack of wolves for three days straight. Perfect!

Once you’re in the game, you’ll notice that Geralt has some really peculiar habits. First, there's his need to pick herbs every 2.5 seconds. See that flower? Pick it. That random mushroom? Pick it. Will you use these ingredients? Absolutely not. But pick them anyway. There’s something inherently therapeutic about collecting flowers while saving the world. You’ll craft potions, bombs, and random concoctions you’ll never remember to drink during combat because you’re too busy panicking.

2.1 Horse Physics

Geralt’s trusty steed, Roach, is the best horse ever—if by “best,” you mean “has the ability to teleport onto rooftops and get stuck in trees.” For maximum fun, try calling Roach from a ridiculous distance. She'll appear out of nowhere like she just jumped through a portal from another dimension—usually facing the wrong direction, perfectly on cue to frustrate you.

PRO TIP: Roach will always walk as if she’s on a tightrope, regardless of the actual terrain. Riding Roach is like riding a slightly tipsy uncle at a family barbecue: unpredictable, dangerous, but kind of fun.

Here’s the deal with combat: you have two swords—one for monsters (silver) and one for humans (steel). How do you tell which to use? Simple: if it looks scary, silver. If it looks like it pays taxes, steel.

Fast Attack (Light): Tap it like you’re testing if something is hot.

Strong Attack (Heavy): Press this to unleash the power of a thousand push-ups, but don’t hold it too long or you’ll get slapped mid-swing.

Dodging: Roll around like a drunk acrobat. It makes you feel cool, and enemies sometimes miss you.

Signs (Magic Spells): These are fun because you get to act like a pyromaniac and burn things. There’s also Axii, which confuses enemies—and people if you use it during dialogue like a Jedi mind trick.


Signs in a Nutshell:

Igni: Burn everything, pretend you’re a firebender.

Quen: Shield yourself, because you will absolutely mess up and need it.

Aard: Basically a Force push. Blast enemies off cliffs for the ultimate power trip.

Axii: Mind control. You’re the Jedi of The Witcher.

Yrden: A magic trap that no one uses unless forced by the game.

At some point, you’ll be asked to play Gwent. You will think, “This is a waste of time.” Then, before you know it, you’ve spent 6 hours trying to win a random peasant’s rare Cow card. Gwent is more addictive than caffeine.

You’ll want to start small—beat some villagers, win some cards, and eventually rise to the level where world leaders and sorceresses challenge you because apparently, everyone in this world is obsessed with Gwent. There’s a side quest where you basically become a Gwent champion instead of saving the world. Priorities, right?

You’ll get main quests that involve saving the world, and side quests that involve delivering a farmer’s lost chicken to its owner. Here’s the thing: the side quests are sometimes better than the main story. You’ll get wrapped up in elaborate tales of cheating spouses, haunted houses, and "why am I still collecting drowners’ tongues for this guy?"

Important Side Quest Tips:

If someone says, “It’ll be easy,” you’re about to fight a monster that can two-shot you.

If someone says, “I’ll pay you later,” they won’t.

Always ask for more money. You’re a professional, not a charity.

5.1 Witcher Contracts

These are special monster-hunting quests. Here’s how they work:

1. Accept contract.


2. Investigate the area using Witcher Senses (basically Cat Vision meets Sherlock Holmes).


3. Fight the monster while it roasts you alive or bites you in half.


4. Die.


5. Try again.

You’ll meet two main love interests in the game: Yennefer and Triss. Both are gorgeous, intelligent, and far too good for Geralt, who spends 90% of his life covered in monster guts. You can flirt with both (and you probably will), but be careful—this game doesn't shy away from consequences. Try to romance both at once and you’ll end up in one of the funniest—and most awkward—situations possible. (Hint: It involves a threesome gone horribly wrong).

Remember that the game is called The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. That’s because you’re supposed to be chasing an ancient, world-threatening group of spectral horsemen across the Continent. But don’t worry, the game doesn’t rush you. You can spend hours picking flowers and playing Gwent while the Wild Hunt patiently waits for you to catch up. They're very understanding about your need to catch every side quest and drown in random, intricate conversations with NPCs.

You’ll be tempted to loot every single container, drawer, sack, and corpse you come across. Good! Because this is The Witcher 3. It’s not theft if they don’t catch you… or if they’re already dead, right? (Just don't get too greedy in front of guards. They tend to take offense when you steal the family silver.)

The real secret to The Witcher 3 isn’t mastering combat or leveling up—it’s embracing the chaos. You’re a genetically-enhanced mutant with a magical horse, an addiction to herbalism, and a tendency to walk away from world-ending threats to play cards in a tavern.

So, go ahead. Take that contract to kill a noonwraith, then spend the next 4 hours Gwenting your way through Velen. Get lost in the wilderness because you were following a flower on your mini-map. Get into a fight with a griffin you’re not ready for, fall off a cliff, and then accidentally punch a peasant in the face. That’s the true Witcher experience.

Good luck, and may your inventory always have room for that 87th rusty sword you don’t need.