Monzo Bank

Hello to anyone who's here because they forgot it was a bank holiday 😀

IT’S ALMOST THE LONG WEEKEND! TIME TO: – repeatedly refresh the weather app to check if it’s going to be sunny (it’s not) – cross reference the forecasts on BBC Weather, the Met Office and AccuWeather (and choose to believe whichever looks best) – agonise over how to dress for the weather (and get it wrong anyway)

THINGS AT WORK THAT FEEL MORE PERSONAL THAN THEY SHOULD: – when you’re in a meeting room and the motion sensor lights turn off  – when someone uses your mug – when someone gets up to go to the toilet at the same time as you – when no one notices you got a haircut even though it looks exactly the same  – when someone says your name on a call when you weren’t really listening – when someone has the same first name as you – when someone’s wearing the same outfit as you  – when everyone leaves for a meeting you aren’t invited to because it’s nothing to do with you or your job – when someone doesn’t make you a tea because you said you didn’t want one 

DIARY OF... THE OFFICE COFFEE MACHINE ☕️ 5am: I start my day early, rise and grind 💪 6am: journalling time – I pour over my latest plans, got big things brewing! 7am: high-protein breakfast – beans (no toast) 8am: a busy day ahead, the pressure’s on! 9am: focus time – this is when I get a latte my work done 10am: listen to some motivational music – 🎶 that's that me espresso 🎶  11am: I overhear someone complaining I’m too loud?? People are always trying to tamp me down 😠 12pm: low-carb lunch – a delicious dark roast 😋 1pm: I’m full! (of literal beans) 2pm: meeting with my work nemesis: the post-lunch slump 2.30pm: people come back from a meeting sipping these green drinks?? seems I’ve met my match(a) 😪 3pm: Greg swans in bragging about his latte art skills. Some people have no filter! 3.15pm: Greg walks away without cleaning my nozzle 🙄 I try not to be bitter but I’ve been burned before... 4pm: at this point it’s just me and the people who also hate sleep 5pm: I eavesdrop on some office gossip. Something about tea?? idk 6pm: time to decompress – see you in the morning!

IMPOSSIBLE OFFICE CHALLENGES: – Don’t ask “can everyone see my screen?” when you start sharing your screen – Say hello normally instead of waving when you join a call – Use the coffee machine without making a huge mess  – Use the printer without asking for help

COMING INTO THE OFFICE WHEN YOU USUALLY WORK REMOTELY MEANS: – everyone treats you like a celebrity (and you act like one too) – you meticulously plan your outfits (instead of wearing trackies every day)  – people are surprised by how tall / short you are in real life (and vice versa) – you strut in with your wheelie suitcase (like you’re entering the villa) – you treat yourself to a Pret for lunch (instead of eating the same meal prep at home every day) – someone waves enthusiastically saying “I haven’t seen you in ages!” (you have no idea who they are) – you speak to more people in a day than you did in the last month (your social battery is dying) – people ask you where you’re based (you live 20 mins away from the office and always have done)

MUNDANE POLL:

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It's 4pm on Friday, time to get off LinkedIn

DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE WHEN YOU ASK “WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THIS WEEKEND?” – the one who’s going to reformer pilates, running a half marathon and cycling to Germany – the one who’s going to yet another wedding – the one who’s taking the kids to swimming, attending two children’s birthday parties and watching 48 straight hours of Paw Patrol – the one who's watching 48 straight hours of Netflix and not leaving bed