If you've been online lately, I'm sure you've noticed the ever-growing Trad Wife movement. It focuses on a return to "traditional" gender roles and views wives as mothers and homemakers. However, there has been much debate about how these traditional wives would support themselves if they were to get divorced or if something happened to their husbands.
So during a family lunch, Redditor Huge_Association_249, a housewife and stay-at-home-mom, revealed the simple way she has kept track of her domestic contributions, and the men in her family were NOT having it. Here's the whole story:
"I'm a woman in my late 50s, married to my husband, early 60s. We've been married for 30-odd years. I have fulfilled the role of a 'traditional' wife for much of our marriage, and I left paid work soon into our marriage. My husband is very successful in his business, and we live comfortably. All our children are adults now."
"My husband built his business from the ground up, and I was instrumental to the early success, which set it up to be what it is today. We were having lunch with our children when my son mentioned that his wife didn't want to be [a] 'trad wife' and do what I did to raise the kids. She raised concerns about how vulnerable a position it is and that she doesn't want to depend solely on him for money. He wanted me to talk to her and convince her by telling her how it worked out for me."
"I said I understood where she was coming from, and being a housewife is incredibly risky and vulnerable, especially if he leaves her and she's been out of the labor force for a while. He countered that it had worked for his father and me because I trusted him as my husband to provide for me, and why couldn't his wife do the same?"
"I told him I have a meticulous record of all contributions I have ever made to the family business — recently digitized with the help of my daughter — so that if the worst ever happened, I wouldn't be relying on the mercy of a man to feed myself. I told him I have made many contingency plans over the years to minimize the risk of being a housewife and compensate for my lack of pension and benefits I'd have had had I not left the labor force."
"This angered my son and husband. Both said it showed a lack of trust, and my husband especially feels I've had 'one foot out the door' our entire marriage and that my 'little escape plan' included plans to 'shaft him of his business.'"
"I told him the fact that he refers to it as 'his' business rather than 'ours' is precisely why I kept those records and why I won't be telling my daughter-in-law to do what she doesn't want to do.
Am I the asshole?"
The commenters agreed that the OP (original poster) was not the A-hole for simply making plans for her own future and financial well-being.
"Not the asshole," fancyandfab agreed, "and I hope you talk to your daughter-in-law privately. She is very wise not to put herself at the mercy of your son."
"Many SAHMs are speaking out about how, after decades of trust and unpaid labor and multiple children, their ex-husband just divorced them. They were ruined financially. It's great to be a SAHM if both partners want it, but a man should never force it on his future wife. If I were daughter-in-law, I would run. Their values do not align. He will make her life miserable."
Many users were sharing cautionary tales in the comments below:
GladUnderstanding756 revealed, "I am this woman—I trusted my ex. I raised our children as a SAHM. After 25 years of struggling under financial control, we divorced. My library skills are outdated, my work history is no longer relevant, and I’m financially struggling. I had the house, the retirement account, the cars, and now I’ve got nothing.
OP, you are not the asshole, you’re savvy to document, document, document. Your son needs to get his head out of the sand and support his wife in her career."
"This happened to my aunt," OddRaspberry3 added, "My former uncle made her quit her job to stay at home with my cousins. About 6-7 years ago, his affairs came to light, and he left my aunt after she’d had a stroke that left her physically disabled. So besides being out of work for 30 years, she physically couldn’t get a job."
Some commenters even pointed out that the OP's husband specifically mentioned that the business she helped build was 'HIS' business."
"Not the asshole — OP, you are doing great, and yes, with that kind of thinking of 'HIS' business, you know you are not in the wrong here," said Handbag_Lady
Shadow-foxe agreed, "Not the asshole — they've never had to think about life this way, so they have no idea what really goes on. Why aren't you co-owner of the business? If he really thinks that you were part of it, then why wouldn't he have made that happen?"
And a lot of commenters agreed that this was a whole other level of devotion on OP's part:
GorillaP1mp pointed out, "Not the asshole. There is absolutely no reason to be upset at you for logical planning in case of an emergency. Independence is critical for both partners; there’s nothing to apologize for. Your husband and son should take a beat and view it from the perspective that you’ve stayed because you love them, not because you’re trapped. That says a lot about your character and devotion to the family. Good luck!"
LayaElisabeth suggested, "Not the asshole. But do talk to your husband and explain this; while some women stay in a marriage (even if it's loveless or even abusive) because they're trapped, you indeed had other options and CHOSE to stay in your marriage and with him."
And everyone was in agreement that both OP's husband and son were, indeed, the A-holes:
"Not the asshole. I love how your husband is offended and saying you've had one foot out the door for your entire marriage. And yet, in over 30 years of marriage, he never felt anything was wrong or noticed any of the contingencies you put into place."
indigoorchid0611 continued, "Tell him to get over himself. You did what women have been doing for centuries: ensured her security and that of her kids. Your husband must have been doing OK since you didn't feel the need to implement any of your plans. Now your son needs a swift kick to dislodge his head from his ass. There is ZERO reason for him to pressure his partner to be a SAHW when she doesn't want it other than he wants to be a lazy partner who thinks he deserves a medal solely because he makes the money and wants her to take care of everything else, including him. Nope. Hope he likes being single."