This Guy Doesn't Know How To Tell His Girlfriend Something Awkward About Her Home, So I'm Genuinely Curious What You Would Do

"I've been with my girlfriend for three years long distance. I'm incredibly happy with her, and she is with me. We communicate effectively, talk about our future with pragmatism, love, and confidence, and overall, have a very healthy relationship. We don't live together. She lives with her parents while she finishes school, and I live alone with a full-time job. I'm close with my parents and they are supportive of my relationship. My parents have never met her parents in person, however, in the three years we've been together.

Due to the nature of our long-distance relationship, the easiest way for our parents to meet would be for my parents to go to her house. We could have a nice family dinner, and it would also give my parents a chance to learn more about my girlfriend and her family culturally," the OP wrote.

"There are more examples than this, but I think the point is made. Unfortunately, I believe these things are considered normal to my girlfriend. We made dinner for her family, and I subtly mentioned cleaning the kitchen up as a thank you for letting me stay at their home. I also mentioned cleaning up the guest room I was staying in for the same reason. Her responses were shocking to me. She claimed that cleaning would be difficult because 'you can't vacuum tile floors' and the things that look like dirt 'are actually just stains.' That response ignored things like the food processor having bits of food stuck on the bottom and in the blades for God knows how long.

How do I mention this all to my girlfriend? I care about her deeply (obviously), and we often communicate about difficult topics, but this one just seems so offensive if I bring it up. It insults her and her family. I am embarrassed for my family to be there, and honestly, I don't want to stay there again either. I'm also afraid this could trickle into our eventual life together, so I'd like to broach the topic sooner rather than later. Thank you!"

"'We communicate effectively, talk about our future with pragmatism.'

It's time to put this to the test. Be realistic here. If you see a future together where you live together/she moves in with you, you need to be able to discuss your disparate values around cleanliness very directly.  

 'I'm also afraid this could trickle into our eventual life together.'

Good. You should be very afraid. It’s not a question of whether it 'could' trickle in. You should be afraid that this absolutely WILL factor into your life together. Is that acceptable to you to live in these conditions every day? That is what she is okay with.  

The meeting location for the parents is the LEAST of your concerns here. The pictures you shared are awful. She has obviously normalized living in filthy conditions. The fact that she has no issue bringing you into her home in that state is a glaring red flag that needs to be addressed. 

I am concerned for you that you would rather be so uncomfortable as to endure staying in a dirty home with a dirty kitchen, stepping out of a dirty shower onto a dirty floor where your feet are covered in hair and dirt than endure the discomfort of saying that you refuse to stay in their unclean home again.  

Be direct with her about how you need to have a difficult conversation. Yes, it will suck, but her ability to have this incredibly difficult conversation is vitally important for the health of your continued relationship. You cannot tiptoe around this. You can be kind, and you can be direct. 

“I care about you so deeply but need you to know that I was very uncomfortable with the state of your home. I am concerned that you don’t see the problem. You seemed to feel that attempting to clean would be pointless based on the reasons you gave when I offered to clean. We need to be on the same page about cleanliness to progress towards living together and sharing a home.

Wishing you the best of luck."

—u/Picocure

"That's really, really bad. I don't blame you for being embarrassed. You can always meet up at the restaurant.

On a side note, do you ever plan on living together? Because if you do, you have a glimpse of what you will have to live with. If you want a clean house, you will be doing every single bit of cleaning and cleaning up after her."

—u/faesser

"Wow! This post hits home. This was exactly my situation over ten years ago, only it wasn’t her parents' house—it was hers.

Whilst you’re worried about what your parents will think, you should be worrying about how compatible your polar opposite acceptable living standards are.

I thought my ex was just struggling and needed some help. I thought that if I could just clean it all she would take pride in her home. I was wrong!!! Very, very, very wrong!!!

I redecorated, refurnished, and deep-cleaned the entire house. It took over a year, and when I finished, the house was unrecognizable with all new carpets, flooring, and furniture.

I remember one day her then-10-year-old coming from school and running into the living room excitedly shouting, 'We have a new toilet!' It wasn’t a new toilet. I simply cleaned it. It literally turned black to white."

—u/Icy-Understanding364

"Can't you just joke about it? Next time you vacuum your tile floor - make a silly joke and use it as a conversation starter. Or simply warn your parents for now and make them stay in a hotel. I get that it is not an easy topic."

—u/stickymicki