Dealing with a client overly reliant on your coaching. Are you setting healthy boundaries?

I have around 100 clients in our executive coaching community. About 20% use 50% of our resources. I generally don't mind being available to people who need the availability, but when someone is "hogging the mic" I will have a quiet conversation with them about making sure they are demonstrating the leadership qualities they want their own teams to see in them. Part of being a great leader involves knowing when to transmit and when to receive. Teaching this is part of our coaching process now.

In the first few months of coaching, some clients may be overly reliant. During this period, I make sure to explain once again what coaching is and is not. I clarify that coaching is meant to empower them to make their own decisions and build their confidence. I give my clients time to fully understand that. As I work longer with a client, they may become more reliant because they trust and value my opinion. For these clients, it’s important to separate coaching from brainstorming or advisory roles. And I make a clear distinction when I am providing coaching versus when I am offering my opinion or brainstorming ideas together.

Coaching should not be confused with psychotherapy. In the first session with my clients, I explain the difference between coaching and therapy, making it clear that if I believe the topics brought up are more suited for a psychotherapist, I will inform them. Additionally, a coaching program typically arises from a need to improve some aspect of the client's personal or professional life. Therefore, when we start a program, it is important to identify a major theme, which can be broken down into sub-themes to extend the program if necessary. However, as coaches, we must be careful not to create a dependency between the client and ourselves.

You can take proactive measures by identifying that your client is overly reliant. Some signs to watch for include: Constantly seeking your approval on decisions Needing frequent check-ins outside of scheduled sessions Difficulty making progress without your direct guidance

For instance, if you notice a client constantly seeking validation before making minor decisions, it’s a sign of over-reliance. Over-reliance can become addictive and lead to a vicious circle with the coach being seen as (acting out the role of) the saviour in some cases. You might observe, "I noticed that you often ask for confirmation on decisions that you are more than capable of making on your own. Let's work on building your confidence in your decision-making skills."

Notice if your client is clinging to your every word? Initially, setting clear expectations is critical, but you may need to re-set clear expectations it is crucial! Let them know you're there to equip them, not become their constant advisor.

This is where you establish clear guidelines for the coaching relationship. Here's how to approach this: Session Frequency: Discuss a schedule that fosters independence. Maybe it's gradually reducing sessions or incorporating longer gaps between them. Communication Limits: Set boundaries around communication outside of sessions. This could be designated response times for emails or a policy on non-urgent contact. Focus on Client's Agency: Empower your clients by highlighting their strengths and progress. Guide them towards self-reliance by asking questions that prompt them to find their own solutions.

Setting clear expectations from the beginning can prevent over-reliance. Establish boundaries about how and when clients can contact you, and be clear about the goals and objectives of your coaching sessions. This clarity helps clients understand their responsibilities and the limits of your involvement. During your initial meeting, you could state, "Our sessions will focus on empowering you to make confident decisions independently. I am available for support, but I expect you to take the lead on implementing our strategies. If you have questions, let's address them during our scheduled sessions."

This point should be the No. 1. Even in 2024, many people still don't know what coaching is and isn't. That's not a problem. We are here to explain. Coaching is not therapy. Coaching is not consulting. And a coach certainly isn't a "go-to savior." A (good) coach will always guide you to go within and "dig up" your answers and empower you to trust yourself that you know. (Which is where most often the "real issue" lies.)

Clearly define the scope and frequency of coaching sessions from the start. Set specific goals and timelines to encourage independence. Establish boundaries around availability, such as set times for communication. Encourage self-reliance by providing resources and strategies for clients to use on their own. Reinforce the client’s progress and capabilities regularly to boost their confidence. Remind them that the ultimate goal of coaching is to foster their autonomy and growth.

I know of a few coaches who no longer engage with standard 6, 8 or 12 session contracts. Many now engage CXOs on an annual or in many cases multiple year contracts. They also no longer like to be called "Executive Coaches" but like to be called 'Leadership Advisors' . Now in my view this is unethical practice and encourages a sense of client dependency which goes against fundamental coaching ethics. I see a lot of value in a contained fixed contract which provides for clear boundaries and endings.

When you’re feeling like your client's stuck in decision limbo, beware of your clients coaching dependency Empower them to break free! Ask powerful questions! Don't give answers, guide them to self-reflection. Ask insightful questions that spark self-discovery. This builds decision-making muscles, fostering leadership and confidence that lasts long after coaching ends, becoming their own best guide.

Instead of providing direct answers, guide them through the process of evaluating their options and consequences. This approach helps them build confidence and autonomy. When a client asks for advice, you might respond, "What options have you considered? Let's weigh the pros and cons of each. This way, you can make an informed decision that aligns with your goals." Apply the Socratic "what do you think about it?" method and attempt to elicit possible courses of action so as to help the coachee become the architect of their own life and creator of their own future.

Empower clients by guiding them to make their own decisions. Offer frameworks and tools for problem-solving and decision-making. Encourage critical thinking and self-reflection. Provide feedback that highlights their strengths and areas for improvement. Celebrate their successes to build confidence. Reinforce that your role is to support, not dictate, their choices, fostering independence and self-assurance.

This! Empowering your client to think through and make their own decisions is the best coaching you can provide. Only the client knows themselves, but if they are struggling with any aspect of leadership, your coach helps guide you to see around the things you can't see. As an example, if a client is convenience that they are not able to delegate, the coach should help the client figure out why it's a struggle. They may be under the impression (belief) that they will not be contributing and productive if they don't "do it themselves". A great coach will help the client figure out what's driving that belief and help them pivot or see through what's stopping them. That's the ultimate empowerment.

Know when to say "no." To let them figure it out. To resist creating a dependency on your being prescriptive. And know when to let go. Maybe it's been too long. Maybe you're no longer the right coach for this moment. Be okay to fire a client. Or to introduce them to a colleague who can pick up where you've left off.

While it’s important to be supportive, setting limits on your availability helps clients learn to rely on themselves. Designate specific times for coaching sessions and stick to them. This encourages clients to become more independent and resourceful. Example: You could say, "I am available for our scheduled sessions and will respond to emails within 24 hours. For immediate concerns, let's work on strategies you can use independently. Note also that I am generally not available for calls except between 10-12am Monday-Friday."

Clearly communicate your availability upfront, specifying the days and times you are accessible for sessions and support. For example, set specific office hours and stick to them, ensuring the client knows when they can expect responses. Encourage the client to take initiative and apply the strategies discussed in your sessions independently. This empowers them to build self-reliance and reduces dependency. By limiting availability and reinforcing boundaries, you maintain a balanced professional relationship and support the client's growth effectively. How do you feel about the importance of setting boundaries in coaching relationships?

I always tell my clients in our first chemistry session that my aspiration for my clients to be a coach for themselves after the coaching program with me. I believe they are capable of observing & learning the coaching mindset & approach during the sessions with me. It is not about directly teaching the coaching skills but through coaching to empower the clients to gain coaching skills. I also do mid-point check in to invite the clients to reflect their progress & any coaching techniques they have picked up for themselves. In the last session of a set coaching program, I again invite the clients to reflect the importance of self-reliance & self-empowerment.

You can equip clients with the tools and skills they need to solve problems on their own. Provide them with frameworks, methodologies, and resources that they can use outside of coaching sessions. This empowers them to tackle challenges without your constant input. Eg you can introduce problem-solving frameworks like the SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) and guide them on how to apply these tools to their situations. For instance, "Let’s use the SWOT analysis to evaluate this challenge. You can apply this method to various scenarios to find the best solutions independently." Or you can ask them to assess "what's the worse possible outcome if what you fear most manifests?" as a question to dispel unfounded fears.

Make sure that you build autonomy and independence of your client, help your client reframe their objectives in a way that will enable them in that direction.