The Onion

For months, our editorial board has agonized over this momentous decision. Initially, we’d hoped to publish our endorsement on June 27, 2024, in the hours after Joe Biden’s first televised debate against Donald Trump. Then, we’d hoped to publish it a few days later, following Biden’s highly anticipated July 5 interview with George Stephanopoulos. Now, we are finally doing what we should have done months ago: Buck tradition, put our reputation on the line, and take a position that The New York Times, The Washington Post, and other so-called “papers of record” are too cowardly to even consider this late in the election. Lest readers doubt the value of our endorsement, we ask them to remember 2016, when voter complacency almost put Hillary Clinton in the White House before The Onion stepped in.  Joe Biden may be young by Washington standards, but he’s packed a lot into 81 short years. He’s fought hard for working Americans, be they on the factory line or on the board of Blackstone Group. He’s stood up to everyone who threatened this great nation, from Vladimir Putin to Anita Hill. And he supports women and minorities, based on that seemingly random lady he chose to be his vice president. And so The Onion humbly requests that on Nov. 5 you remember our editorial board’s courageous, measured, and well-reasoned endorsement of Joseph R. Biden. But if, for some incomprehensible reason, this fails to resonate with the American public, we will be proud to endorse Asa Hutchinson as a backup.

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Tomorrow: The Onion is set to deliver an important announcement about the future of journalism.

This is no idle threat. For every hour you wait, one journalist from their stable of 37,865 reporters will be laid off.

CHICAGO and ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA, April 25, 2024 – International megacorporation Global Tetrahedron announced today it has successfully acquired all of the assets to America’s Finest News Source™, The Onion, Inc.™, in a vicious but fair hostile takeover. Global Tetrahedron will immediately assume all of the staff of The Onion, Inc.™ and fold the team into the day-to-day operations of its broad portfolio of companies, properties, and other semi-illicit activities. Global Tetrahedron is a privately owned company based primarily in St. Petersburg, Russia; Guangdong, China; Riyadh, Saudi Arabia; Tycho Crater, Luna; and Madison, WI. It is a subsidiary of Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group.

Hims CEO Andrew Dudum added that the box would include large, neon text that read “Boner incoming,” as well as a highly realistic image of aroused male genitalia.