Harsh Patel’s Post

Tired of asking the same person to do something? Here's how to "ask" effectively and never have to make the same ask again. It could be your child, an employee, or even a spouse who never changes. You have to tell them every day to do something, in many cases, many things. It could be the dishes or sending out that email. But no matter how or when you ask, nothing seems to work. But there is way to have your asks fulfilled every time. The trick is to focus on 1 ask at a time. Here are 4 reasons on why this is so effective: 1. Being overwhelmed means giving up Bombarding someone with 10 things to change (in a short time) makes things overwhelming. As a result, nothing gets done. It’s kind of like giving up when you see the massive mountain you have to climb. Instead, make it easier for them. Show them that you don’t have to climb this huge mountain (10 asks), you just have to focus on changing this 1 thing (1 ask). 2. Lack of clarity The recipient has a hard time understanding which ask matters the most. Imagine being bombarded with 10 different things you need to change. How would they know which one to prioritize? Perhaps asks 1-8 are menial, and don’t really matter, but how would they know that? They usually wouldn’t. Chop 1-8, and focus on 9-10. Implicitly, the recipient will realize the importance of 9-10. 3. Quality versus Quantity The nature of asking someone to do 10 things in a day, means the quality of the each ask goes down. The dishes won’t be done properly. The garage won’t be cleaned properly. And you probably guessed it, you’ll have to ask yet again. Mission failed. When someone is overloaded, quality takes a hit. Focus on 1, give feedback, and once it’s done how you want it do be done, then move on to the next ask. 4. Power From a psychological perspective, the more asks you make, the less power each ask holds. Growing up my dad and mom were inverse. My dad was more reserved, while my mom was more relaxed with what she asked of me. As a result, I remember my mom asking me to do 10 things in a day. 1 or 2 would get done but not properly. But it was “fine”, because I still did something. My dad on the other hand was the opposite. He only made 1 or 2 asks but the fear of consequences shot up since he only gave me 2 things to do. It’s kinda like, I asked you only of 1-2 things, how could you possibly mess that up. Less asks = more power = greater the fear of consequence More asks = less power = lesser the fear of consequence In the end effective long term behavior changes come from long term strategies. If you are able to control your emotions and limit your asks, you’ll be surprised to how much influence you can have.

I used to suck at dealing with difficult people. Until I learned these 3 secrets backed by science. Just leave, no contact, and avoid them. That’s the advice that everyone gives, but what if leaving isn’t an option. It could be a difficult boss, but you need the job. Maybe it’s your mom, and you are too young to leave. Science has given us ways to combat this. Difficult people are like resistant prospects. In order to sell to them, you have to market yourself really well. Here are the secrets that taught me how: 1. Stop Saying “You” A difficult person will be sensitive to accusatory statements. Instead of saying: “Why did you do that?” Say: “What can we do to fix this?” 2. Lead with feelings, end with correction Most people lead with the correction. “Stop yelling at me in front of the kids.” Instead try this: “I really feel humiliated when I’m yelled at in front of the kids. What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” 3. Focus on 1 ask He’s not doing the dishes. He doesn’t take me out enough. He keeps forgetting to introduce me. Imagine how you would feel if you were asked all these things in 1 day. Probably overwhelmed. For the “difficult person”, it becomes hard to identify what things they really need to change. Focusing on 1 ask is far more effective because it has more power behind it. The more asks you ask, each ask loses its power. I hope these were helpful!

How to stop getting defensive? "Wow, you're shorter than I expected.” "You’ve gained a few pounds haven’t you.” Sheepishly you respond with: “No I’m not! I’m average height.” “No I didn’t! I actually lost weight.” Now you look: - Insecure - Sensitive - Embarrassed But if you use this one strategy, you’ll appear loose and confident. All you have to do is 2 things. 1. Join the joke 2. Exaggerate This is what it looks like: Him: "Wow, you're shorter than I expected.” You: “Short? Nah, I’m a midget, I can barely see over people. 😂” Him: "You’ve gained a few pounds haven’t you.” You: “A few? More like 30, your mom’s cookies are too good. 🍪” Doing this does a few things. You look confident and secure. You don’t seem overly sensitive. You undermine any potential insult. This especially works against people who try to get a rise out of you. It completely disarms them. Simple but effective. “Never forget who you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.” - Tyrion Lannister (A Game of Thrones)

Dealing with a narcissist? Here are the 10 signs to look for: When I was younger, I noticed an interesting pattern with siblings. If one of the siblings displayed some signs of narcissism, the other sibling would often be the exact opposite. If sibling A was attention seeking, sibling B learned to share the attention. If sibling A couldn't control his emotions, sibling B learned to control his emotions. Which now leads me to believe, that those people who grew up around narcissism are easy to identify. If they were victims (sibling B), they learned the skills to be empathic, share attention and were able to take criticisms. If they were not victims, they usually got their way and led to the swelling of the 10 signs I mention below. Here are the signs I noticed: 1. Gaslighting 2. Grandiosity 3. Being entitled 4. Being superficial 5. Attention seekers 6. Lacking of empathy 7. Inability to take criticism 8. Constant need for control 9. Inability to regulate emotions 10 Lack of consideration in others Just because a person displays a few of these signs does not mean they are a narcissist. Usually, they need to display most of the signs to be considered a candidate.

How to ACTUALLY respond to gaslighting? Ever been told: "I never said that." "You misunderstood." "You are imagining things." But you know for a fact that it did happen. Here's the kicker. They know it happened as well. The gaslighter doesn't actually believe what he is saying. He is aiming for something else. He's been caught, so now he wants to escape the blame. He wants to escape by shifting the blame on to you. Here's how it plays out: You: "I feel really sad that you said that to me." Him: "I never said that." You: "I know what I heard." Him: "You heard wrong." Here, you'll respond in 1 of 2 ways. 1. You'll back down. Result: The gaslighter escapes the blame. 2. You'll lose your cool. Let's say you raise your volume. Then he'll say. Him: "Please stop yelling at me." Something profound happens now. The tables have turned. Suddenly, the conversation is about you. The gaslighter escapes the blame by becoming the victim and shifting the blame on to you. Result: The gaslighter still escapes the blame. The best way to respond to gaslighting, is to become a wall. A wall doesn't react and doesn't budge. That's exactly how you must maintain your position. If they keep denying, calmly back up your claim. If they still lie, say "I know what I heard". If they don't back down, calmly say "You seem to be misremembering, I'll make sure to bring it up later." If they win once, they'll know your wall will keep breaking. If they lose once, they'll be careful to lie to you again. Because you can't break down a wall.

Something feels off about that person? You feel it. You sense it. Something feels off. They check off all the boxes, but your gut says to stay away. But you don't listen, because "it's just a gut feeling right?" Toxic people have learned to blend very well with society. So well, where they don't give obvious signs of being toxic. But your instinct can still pick up the subtle inconsistencies. If they seem fake? → You might get uncomfortable. If they appear to be hiding something? → Your instincts will kick in. If they appear to be malicious? → You won’t naturally be drawn to them. Trust your instincts. They are kinda like spidey senses. Next time you get a tingle, listen to it. “Wait a minute! Why is my spidey sense tingling?? That only happens when danger is near!” - Spider-Man

No one listens to you? They might be checked out. Their eyes look a bit glazed over. They are even pretending to listen. When this happens, stop talking. You'll notice something interesting. They aren't listening to you for 1 of 3 reasons: 1. They aren’t interested in you Does this one person *never listen*? Ask yourself these questions: Do they never ask questions back? Do they always give one word answers? Do they always multitask when you are speaking? Do they seem to be listening perfectly fine to others? Do they shift the conversation to what only they care about? If that’s the case, they aren’t interested in you. So lessen the attention you give them. Focus your attention on those who do care and those who do listen. 2. They aren’t interested in the topic at hand Does this one person listen *sometimes*? Ask yourself these questions: Do they sometimes ask questions back? Do they sometimes give one word answers? Do they seem disinterested for specific conversations? Do they shift the conversation to what they care about? Don’t talk about football to the person who likes baseball. The more you speak, the less they’ll want to listen. Hone your awareness. 3. You are rambling & overexplaining Does *no one* listen to you? Ask yourself these questions: Does no one ever ask questions back? Does everyone seem to give one word answers? Does everyone seem disinterested for most conversations? Does everyone seem to be listening perfectly fine to others? It’s difficult to listen to rambling and overexplaining. Stop talking, before it becomes your reputation. Here’s how: 1. Take a breath before you speak 2. If you are excited, calm down 3. Ask for a minute to think 4. Choose precise words Understand, that saying less is actually more. Smile, listen and pay attention. The more you lean on silence the greater your awareness will become. With this awareness, you’ll understand what others are up to, without revealing yourself. Silence is golden, so shut up and get rich. - Anonymous