I was interviewing at Wells Fargo. A great opportunity in their investment banking department awaited me. I had prepared endlessly for this moment. And then out of nowhere, the very first question asked of me, threw me for a loop. I panicked. I started sweating, staring out the window with a pensive look on my face, trying to surmise an answer that would at least partially satisfy and allow the interview to continue. How long could I stall while I tried to drum something up? Anything. Anything at all. But alas, I was stumped. I had nothing.
"I don't know," I finally admitted.
I got blank stares in return. They were stunned.
"You don't know how to pronounce your own last name?" They said, in complete shock.
To say the least, I never heard back.
You could say it's been a struggle. I truly don't know how to go about pronouncing my last name. I've come up with a few solutions over the years, some that sort of work. Like spelling out the last name alphabetically when checking into a hotel or dinner reservations. But having a difficult to decipher last name can lead to some really awkward situations, like the one mentioned above.
Or the one where the news interview got canceled because I refused to say my last name. Or the fight I had with a car rental agent because he couldn't find my reservation based on the spelling of it.
See, the "h" in my last name is pronounced as an "I" sound. Which means my last name is technically Satire.
But therein lies the problem. Because if my last name is satire (do I capitalize here or not?), then pronouncing it correctly would mean being satirical. After all, that is true Satire. So to pronounce it correctly, would be wrong, because that would not be satire. And how do you pronounce your last name correctly if pronouncing it correctly is incorrect? That's the philosophical quandary I've struggled with my entire life.
The only true way to pronounce Satire would be to pronounce it satirically. So, incorrectly. In a derisive and mocking way. Like pronouncing it as "Saturday," or "Sathye" or "Sarthe." All of these would technically be correct, even though they're technically wrong.
The result is that I've come to despise having to pronounce or say my last name, because of the trouble it induces. Much like high school statistics class, there are no easy answers. Only, more problems.
So if I introduce myself as Ben S or just plain old Ben please know, it's not because I'm concerned with privacy or insecure about my last name's origins. It's just simply that I don't know yet how to correctly pronounce it in a way that leaves both me as well as everyone else feeling satisfied.
And before you ask (because I know you're going to), yes, this is Satire.
