Character Series 2: Gaslighting: The Diabolic Tool of Bad Characters

 “Some people do Oscar-winning performances to gaslight your good heart. Do not forget what they are.” – Dinakar

M. Scott Peck, American psychiatrist and best-selling author who wrote the popular book, The Road Less Traveled, said,“I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse.” Confusion on a grand scale, along with other elements of psychological warfare, form the toxic foundation of what is commonly known as gaslighting, a term we hear more and more today.

Hardened narcissists, along with psychopaths, sociopaths and other unsavory personalities, want to dominate, oppress, control and do significant harm through systematic behaviors that make their victims doubt their own sense of what is obvious and real. Their abusive goal is to have their victims see and feel things through a distorted lens and then eventually break them down. Narcissists with their gaslighting can overwhelm you with drama and chaos.

They can have scary outbursts of anger and other forms of hostility, intimidation and aggression making you feel worthless and threatened. They can shake the very foundation of your core and spirit. The disgusting psychological weapon of gaslighting can be frighteningly effective and devastating to those most susceptible to it. Awareness and knowledge are power. Understanding gaslighting and how to deal with it are incredibly important for you and those you love and care for. That’s what this article is about.

Those who gaslight want their sufferers to question themselves so intensely that they believe they are wrong. Gaslighting is employed to somehow benefit the narcissist. The overwhelming impact of this insidious, manipulative behavior toward others—especially those who are vulnerable and emotional—is chilling. A gaslighter has a deeply degenerate, dark character. Learning what gaslighting is can help you recognize what is happening to you so you can escape this abusive relationship that is ruinous to your mental, emotional and even physical health.

How the Interesting Term Came About

“Gaslighting” derives from a London play in 1938 called Gas Light.  It was later made into a classic movie in 1944 of the same name starring Ingrid Bergman playing Paula and Charles Boyer, playing Gregory, her husband, who quickly marries her after discovering her wealth. It takes place in the late 1880s. Gregory’s wicked goal is to have his wife diagnosed as mentally ill to be taken away to an asylum so that he can obtain her fortune.

He slyly manipulates his wife into thinking she is losing her mind by changing the intensity of gas lights in their home when she is alone. He denies the “reality” of her perception and makes her believe she cannot trust herself. He does other things like moving or taking down items (e.g. pictures and other visible objects) around the house or knocking on the walls or making loud footsteps in the night, thus invalidating her sense of reality by insisting no such things are happening.

The husband was so persistent in distorting and denying her reality that he eventually convinced her that she was mad. The story has an epically tragic ending with his wife being committed to a mental institution so her inheritance can be stolen by her scheming husband. The film is upsetting to experience because the audience is watching a woman slowly and painfully begin to question herself and her sense of reality. While seeing his wife gradually descend into the menacing pit of questioning her reality, it is more distressing seeing others in real life dealing with this form of treacherous abuse.

 Gaslighting is Pervasive

Gaslighting is used by narcissists and others devoid of any merit in all levels of society, from personal and work relationships, to mass media, religion, culture, education, advertising, sales and marketing, the writing of history, in healthcare, and especially politics. Gaslighting can happen in work relationships with your boss or co-workers. Abusive parents can use it on their children. Marriages and romantic relationships are fertile grounds for the gaslighter. This devious behavior can occur in just about any type of interaction.

We are constantly being gaslighted by those in authority in organizations whether in an entire country or the whole world. Many politicians are narcissists. The best of them tend to cover up their character defects quite well. Rather than showing genuine empathy and humanity in politics, gaslighting (whether mild or wild) seems to be their normal default in behavior and communications. It’s their means of projecting power, influence and image.

Gaslighters who have a high degree of narcissism are prone to frequent lying (even the pathological kind), making excuses, being deceptive, attacking, acting out, scapegoating, creating smear campaigns, and denying their mistakes, failures and everything else they did wrong. Narcissists will overwhelm you with false, often derogatory feedback, propaganda, misinformation and disinformation. Lies often have a shred of truth in them that makes them seem legitimate. You’ll find that with their gaslighting and hypocrisy on fast forward, narcissists will blatantly accuse others of what they themselves are guilty of.

Repetition makes gaslighting even more impacting, especially when done by mass print, social or broadcast media. When something is repeated often enough, people begin to believe it, even if they did not initially do so. Nazi Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler's Minister for Public Enlightenment and Propaganda said, “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” He added that if you said it over and over, you could convince people that a square is a circle.

Politicians Are Notorious Gaslighters

The political arena tends to attract these power-hungry, "slick" types, though there are also good people who are selfless, altruistic leaders in political service. Control is a priority for political gaslighters. They deftly use it to win an election or make excuses to save face after losing one. Gaslighting is a prime tool to present deliberate misinformation, silence dissent, downplay wrongs, divert attention from pressing issues, discredit opponents, use as a counter communication strategy (especially obscuring inconvenient facts), and push through questionable legislation without too much resistance. It seems that these unsavory characters pride themselves on gaslighting as an art form needed to succeed. Oftentimes, the media is complicit in aiding this devious behavior for a specific individual or political party.

Just recently a case of mass “collaborative gaslighting” happened when President Joe Biden’s administration, with other Democrats, the media – print, broadcast (especially CNN and MSNBC) and social — along with celebrities and others attempted to shape and distort the public’s perception of Biden’s diminished cognitive capability in the form of propaganda. They did this by repeatedly (over time) telling us that Biden was sharp, in touch with situations, and fully capable of doing his job.

Their goal was to picture the President in a positive light, despite our seeing his repeated gaffes, confusion, losing balance, difficulty expressing thoughts, and other evidence of his sad, steady mental decline. Even after a disastrous performance in a debate with Donald Trump on June 27th, 2024, both Biden and many of his supporters insisted it was simply a one-off episode of a bad performance, while others saw otherwise.

His Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, repeatedly insisted he was as “sharp as ever.” Gaslighting, in the form of brainwashing by denying reality, made it difficult for citizens and others around the world to agree on what the truth of the President’s condition was. Whether by the media or by influential political individuals (or groups) or government agencies, being gaslighted on a massive scale undermines transparency, creates suspicion and damages the public’s ability to accurately understand policies and issues. Truth is distorted and it fosters distrust among the public. Unfortunately, political gaslighting is a basic pillar of today’s politics around the world. Political gaslighting is a threat that entails the erosion of democracy.

Dark Actions and Effects of Gaslighting

People with borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopaths and psychopaths are typically far more manipulative, conniving and wicked than others. These evil character types are likely to be skillful, Machiavellian-like gaslighters who create false foundations for their victims.

Depending on the forms, severity and duration of gaslighting, it will have various degrees of anguish-causing effects on the victim including depression, disorientation, chaos, loneliness, anxiety, insomnia, memory loss, social isolation and destruction of self-worth. After being totally worn down by the narcissistic gaslighter, you feel like you are incapable of doing the tiniest thing or making the easiest decision. You will question yourself even when you know you are right. You start believing that you made things up in your mind, even when you have the strong feeling that what you experienced was true and real.

There’s a battle going on in your head and heart trying to make sense of this mishmash of confusion and madness, while your abuser is continuing to enforce their false narrative and relentless, conniving manipulation. In extreme cases, this on-going bombardment can lead those affected down a dark, scary path of Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), terror, panic attacks, trauma, and hopelessness, often causing alcohol and drug abuse, self-harm and even suicide.

Gaslighters try to confuse you, create chaos and make you think you are losing your mind. Their goal is for victims to distrust themselves, and instead, to fully trust the gaslighter, leaving them open to yet more abuse and self-abandonment, ultimately morphing them into a prisoner who is a mental and emotional slave of the gaslighter. Over time, victims lose self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence, becoming dependent and subordinate to the abuser and unfortunately, even believing they are usually at fault in some way. That causes them to accept the “reality” presented by the “Master of Distortion” as their own. The gaslighter then gains full power over the powerless. Our biggest problem is we refuse to accept that the people we respect, care for or love couldn’t possibly be that evil. They are!

Gaslighting is tricky and sneaky — it can be subtle and mild at first and then, over the long run, it gains momentum with the raw power to skew one’s ability to distinguish between what is accurate and what isn’t, what is up and down, what is true and false, and what is right and wrong. In relationships (especially with intimate, romantic ones), gaslighting usually begins gradually and “softly” to gain the partner’s trust, affection and deep attachment.

There is often a magical honeymoon period to emotionally draw their romantic victim in. There is no abusive behavior then. Once it begins, it confuses and startles the person who may feel they should not or cannot leave the relationship. Gaslighting narcissists make things up. They have nothing to give, but grief. Their egos are huge, but fragile and easily agitated if challenged, argued with or criticized. Gaslighting is how they transfer their insecurities on to you. They’re energy and joy vampires who suck the life out of their victims.

Signs of Gaslighting

People who experience gaslighting can find it difficult to recognize the signs, especially at first. The abuser methodically and skillfully attracts them into their web of woe. Often, though not necessarily, the people who fall prey to abusers are those who are sensitive, caring and trusting types. Many are susceptible “empaths,” who often have a hard time setting boundaries between themselves and others who take advantage of their kind, good and compassionate nature.

Some might be inexperienced with close personal or romantic relationships and who have never experienced dealing with a hardened narcissist. They cannot imagine being treated so badly for no justifiable or logical reason. When people clearly show their desire and perceived neediness to have close relationships with others, it can alert the gaslighter to their relatively available vulnerability.

Warning signs and red flags you (or someone you know) are a victim of gaslighting include:

One: You often feel unclear about your feelings, opinions, thought or beliefs, compared to a previous time.

Two: You’re wondering if you are “losing it” because you can’t seem to make sense of things, when before, you felt confident and secure in your thinking, judgments, perceptions, intuitions and situations.

Three: You suddenly get into a lot of arguments or fights you did not intend to (with that one person). You can’t seem to stop it and don’t understand why.

Four: You now heavily rely on someone to make simple decisions for you and confirm your memories about events and situations.

Five: You’re increasingly feeling unhappy and deeply sad and don't know why.

Six: You’re feeling incompetent and unsure of your abilities, skills , talents or knowledge. It’s distressing and you can’t figure out why.

Seven: You always seem to be apologizing for what you say or do.

Eight: You think (even obsess) about perceived character or personality flaws you are told you have.

Nine: You feel confused and disappointed with your relationship. You thought you had this charming and great relationship that has soured for some seemingly unknown reason.

Ten: You always feel on guard (“walking on eggshells”) afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Eleven: Your needs, opinions, thoughts, emotions or ideas are being trivialized more and more, making them seem silly, unimportant or without value.

Twelve: You feel so all alone now.

Common Gaslighting Phrases They Use

Remember that the following examples of comments or questions gaslighters commonly use are intended to confuse, belittle or manipulate you into thinking or feeling something they want you to. However, keep in mind that just because a person occasionally uses some of these phrases, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are intentionally gaslighting you. The key indicator of abuse is when they are repeatedly and increasingly applying these in ways that disturb you and make you feel bad about yourself.

Here are 21 examples said by gaslighters:

·   “You’re twisting and misinterpreting what I said.”

·   “Something is wrong with you. Everyone says you’re unreasonable!”

·   “I never said that! You’re lying, as usual!”

·   “We fully talked about this numerous times. Don’t you even remember?”

·   “You’re crazy. You drive me nuts!”

·   “You’re too sensitive, thin-skinned and emotional. You always over-react."

·   “You jump to wrong conclusions… time and time again.”

·   “Why are you so upset? I’m only kidding. You take everything so personally.”

·   “You’re the only one I have these problems with. Nobody acts that way.”

·   “'I'm only telling you this because I love you and want you to be better.”

·   “I did NOT do that. No way! How can you be SO wrong?”

·   “You’re totally imagining that. Absolutely nothing happened!”

·   “Everybody knows you’re irrational and you just make things up.”

·   “This is all your fault. You made me do it!”

·   “Why do you always confuse these situations?”

·   “You need to learn to communicate better.”

·   “What’s wrong with you, anyway?”

·   “You don’t appreciate what I do for you.”

·   “Why can’t you be more like (name)? I really like and respect (name)!”

·   “Why are you making such a big deal about this?”

·   “I don’t have time for this!”

Tactics to Deal with Gaslighting

Dealing with narcissistic gaslighters is difficult and taxing. It takes a great deal of insight, energy, patience, perseverance and courage. When you point out their games, narcissists can become defensive, hostile and aggressive. They often then amplify and multiply their arrogance, attacks and denials. Never expect them to be fair, reasonable, empathic or understanding. They have no heart. They usually will not compromise or change their behavior. They have no regret or remorse in how they treat you. They are incorrigible and incurable. Almost nothing stops them unless it is a person of power and influence who can inflict severe negative consequences on them. While it is difficult to deal with or leave narcissistic gaslighters you have a close relationship with, here are some actions you can take:

1.   Spend more time online researching gaslighting including viewing videos so you can more easily identify the manipulative, controlling and devious behaviors being used against you. Know the telltale signs and identify the problems. Recognize that what you’re experiencing is not normal and deserved, but predatory, wicked and vile.

2.   Reach out to trusted friends and family members for support, second opinions and to verify your instincts and feelings that you are, indeed, being gaslighted.

3.   Talk to a skilled therapist specializing in dealing with narcissists and how they abuse their victims.

4.   Avoid arguing, criticizing, or engaging in a power struggle with your abuser. It simply leads nowhere, but to more mistreatment or even physical harm toward you. If you can, establish boundaries with them when the gaslighting begins and matter-of-factly ask them to explain their reasoning.

5.   Soon after you experience it, collect detailed proof and evidence (date and time) of their behavior — lies, accusations, threats, criticisms, trivializing, denials, withholding, and other forms of gaslighting. Keep your diary or journal in a well-hidden area. Consider recording voice memos to describe events in their own words, Take photos to fact check your memories when needed.

6.   Stick up for yourself. If you’re dealing with a gaslighter who is not aggressive, hostile or who might resort to physical violence, say these types of things to limit their abuse and show you won’t accept it:

·      ”I know what I saw (or heard) and I totally trust my own perception.”

·      “I won’t tolerate being gaslighted by you or others.”

·      “I’m not imaging things and don’t tell me I am!”

·      “If you meant it as a joke, stop it. It’s mean and not funny to me.

·      "You hurt my feelings. I lose respect for you. It damages our relationship.”

·      “I absolutely refuse to blame myself for your actions.”

·      “I’m proud of who I am. I won’t tolerate put-downs and how you belittle me.”

·      “Your constant lying has zero effect on my sense of reality.”

·      “You’re exaggerating to the extent, it’s not only ridiculous, but false.”

 Be on Guard!

The sharp-edged, extremely harmful tool of the narcissist, psychopath or sociopath is gaslighting. They wield it with power and targeted precision on their victims. Be alert to the signs of it and realize their aims are to make you feel confused, scared, insecure and anxious. They delight in their unscrupulous, treacherous behavior. Try to avoid these reprobates, at all costs. If the first indications of frequent gaslighting show themselves. Run from them, don’t walk. These are predators having sinister characters.  

About the Author

Ray Anthony is the Chief “Innovader” in The Woodlands, Texas, USA. He is the author of 9 books and over 100 articles on strategy, innovation, leadership, creativity, sales, presentation skills and other key business topics. His vanguard book, Innovative Presentations for Dummies (Wiley Publishing) shows how to powerfully reimagine, reinvent, and remake presentations that win against the toughest odds. Ray is a dynamic keynote speaker, executive coach, program developer, corporate trainer, and creative who has worked with numerous Fortune 500 corporations and elite U.S. government agencies (CIA, NASA and USSOCOM) to help improve their operational performance and results through creativity and innovation. He served as an NCO in an Armored Calvary Unit in the Army National Guard.

He can be reached at Innovader@me.com or cell: 832-594-4747.