A day in the life of an “Empty Nester!”

“It’s awfully quiet and I’m not sure what to do with myself” were the words Emily quietly mumbled to me, head bowed, tissue in hand.  “I seem to waste the days wandering around the house, I’ve lost all my energy and enthusiasm and I don’t particularly want to see my friends. I really need to engage back into work. It’s just so quiet and empty.”

Without breaking any confidences here, I wanted to share these words with you all as I’m sure that some of you parents who have said “goodbye” to their offspring this Autumn will be feeling the same way.  This article I hope will help you to begin to understand why you may be feeling this way, to understand this “Empty Nest Syndrome”, and what you could be doing to help yourself move forward through these feelings.

Emily (whose name I have changed for reasons of anonymity & confidentiality but who is very happy for me to share her story), senior within the FMCG environment, has been on her career coaching journey with me for a few months now and has come a long way with her confidence and self-belief.  She has moved into a role which suited her ability, engaged with her key motivators and allowed the flexibility she needed, as well as providing opportunities she could take advantage of, and make her own.   Emily has set herself some achievable goals and targets and, through her coaching is getting to know herself and what makes her “tick” much better.   Her EQ is well on the rise.  The “Empty Nest Syndrome” however, took her by complete surprise, like an unwelcome visitor.

Empty nest syndrome isn't officially a clinical diagnosis. Instead, empty nest syndrome is a phenomenon where parents / guardians experience feelings of sadness and loss when their children leave home.  Research suggests that adults who are dealing with stressful situations in general in their lives are particularly vulnerable to this syndrome.  Adults, for example who have lost a partner,  who are approaching menopause, who are moving home or approaching retirement are also most likely to experience this. ("Empty nest syndrome: Tips for coping". Mayo Clinic. Retrieved 9 February 2013).

I know, it’s all very well knowing What it is, the question is What can I do about it?

Again I will refer you back to Emily.  Through her coaching, we explored her feelings behind this new phenomena and discovered that she was indeed experiencing a sort of “grieving”.   Whilst no-one had died, she had a real sense that an old phase of her life was definitely over.  The phase where she was wholly involved with her children’s lives, where she had greater control over keeping them “safe and sound”, and where she was sure of her role in her children’s lives.  She had a real sense that a new phase had begun and she wasn’t sure what it had in store for her or her family.  She described how, before it was time for her children to leave home, she hadn’t thought too much about it, and it was only when the day for them to leave was fast approaching that she began to accept that this event was REALLY happening.

So what has she done to help herself move forward from this somewhat “stuck” place, I can hear you asking? 

Well, firstly it was important to talk about how she was feeling; acknowledging that the feeling for her was very real.  That is not to say that Emily was encouraged to dwell and lose herself in these feelings, but simply to consciously acknowledge them and make the choice to move forward into this new phase with an open mind to the possibilities which awaited her.    Together we explored the different phases of the Grieving Curve (adapted from Kubler Ross 1969) and where she was sitting within that curve at that current moment in time.  The specific phases of the Grief Curve are as follows :

1.  SHOCK & DENIAL – giving way to feelings of denial, avoidance and confusion
2. ANGER – to include feelings of anxiety, frustration, and irritation
3. DEPRESSION & DETACHMENT – feelings of overwhelm, lack of energy and helplessness
4. DIALOGUE & BARGAINING – Reaching out to others, a desire to tell one’s story, struggle to find meaning.
5. ACCEPTANCE – Exploring new options, putting a new plan in place
6. RETURN TO MEANINGFUL LIFE – Giving way to feelings of empowerment, security, self-esteem and meaning.

Emily identified with each of the Phases 1 – 3 and landed on Phase 4.  On the particularly day in question, here she was, sat honestly and openly with me, trusting me to listen to her story, exploring the meaning and making the choice to be “in the moment” with her feelings; making the connection with the fact that her future was held in her hands.   She could make the choice, today, to take this new phase as an opportunity to move forward, to reconnect with her own career ambitions and dreams.

Emily explored some of the things she could be doing to actively engage with her children, listing the various options.  She could make sure that she kept in regular contact with them through skype, facetime or visiting them in person.  She could use texts to keep in touch on a more regular basis, taking the lead from her children, being very careful to notice when they stop replying, making sure that she was not seen as being “too nagging” (or needy!)”.

With regards to support, Emily was very glad that she was on her coaching journey.  Through her coaching, she had the opportunity to talk openly and honestly about how she was feeling.  This allowed guided exploration and insight into the reason she was feeling how she was feeling.  By  looking at her options, she was able to make choices which would help her to operate from a more positive framework, which was vital to her moving forward.

The quietness in the house? … well, that was an easy one, according to Emily – she and her husband bought a new sound system and played the music that THEY liked to listen to – at a loud enough volume to cause a vibration throughout the house!!