Designing resilience

Are you an orchid or a dandelion?

If you can bounce back from life’s stressors quickly and perform well under pressure, you’re likely a dandelion. Just like the wispy, perennial plant that can grow almost anywhere — including out of sidewalk cracks — you can thrive in most situations. 

And if, like me, you’re a delicate petal who is highly sensitive to your external environment, you probably fall into the ‘orchid’ flowerbed.

According to Dr. Thomas Boyce, the pediatrics and psychiatry professor who pioneered this theory, all children fall into one of these two categories.

Dandelion children are the majority, and are able to cope with most of life’s stressors fairly easily.

Meanwhile, orchid children represent about one in five children. They’re more biologically sensitive to their social and physical surroundings (good or bad) and tend to present with a more neurotic disposition. 

This is a pretty groundbreaking advancement in the age-old nature vs. nurture debate. Because, it suggests that some people are wired in a way that makes them more susceptible to the environment (ie. their nature exacerbates their reaction to nurture).

Personally, I resonate strongly with being an orchid. Put me in a positive environment with lots of encouragement and I flourish, rapidly picking up new skills.

Yell at me or speak to me in a hostile, judgmental manner? I’ll shrink back into myself, so disillusioned and disoriented that I can barely think straight, let alone follow instructions.

I’ve always been this way: a highly sensitive child with no emotional armor to protect my tender heart from the volatile world around me.

But, I’m no longer a child. I’m a 31-year-old, who at this point in my life, has already weathered many of life’s most turbulent storms … bullying, heartbreak, deaths of loved ones, moving to places I knew nobody, multiple job redundancies, just to name a few.

So, the question is… can an orchid become a dandelion later in life, as they build up exposure to stress? The answer is: yes and no.

The orchid vs. dandelion hypothesis posits that orchids are born with a gene that makes them more naturally sensitive to their environment. So, in line with this theory — no, you can’t change your genetic makeup (although, the field of epigenetics would argue you can manipulate whether this gene is switched on and off).

But, can you alter your environment (or, your perception of your environment) to increase your resilience to stress? Absolutely, yes.

The fact is (and of course, there are exceptions to this), much of the stress we experience in our daily lives is self-inflicted. It’s not the situation itself that instills panic, but your reaction to it. You’re not scared about missing that work deadline — doing so presents no tangible risk to your physical safety. Instead, you’re worried about what you think other people will think of you if you do. 

For this reason, metacognition is one of the most powerful tools we have for designing resilience. That is, thinking about thinking — so we can understand what the root cause of stress is, and come up with creative solutions to reframe it.

We can use human-centered design methodology as a concrete way to move through this process.

I’ll use my own situation as an example.

When I get stressed, it’s usually due to performance anxiety (for example, in a driving test, or any situation where someone is accessing my physical abilities, like a boxing session). I feel people’s eyes on me, and assume that they’re thinking negative thoughts about my abilities (ie. I'm projecting). Thus, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, I psych myself out, and my performance takes a nosedive.

So, how can this perpetual orchid redefine the way she relates to her environment?

The first step is to empathise. What am I feeling in those situations? I feel watched, pressured and judged by the other people around me.

Next up, we define the problem. The real issue here is that I’m focusing on something outside of myself (the perceptions of others), not the task at hand.

From here, we can ideate different potential solutions. 

• I could just not put myself in those high-pressure situations. But that wouldn’t exactly be conducive to my self-growth now, would it?
• I could try the classic ‘pretend everyone’s wearing their underwear’ trick. However, that runs the risk of being even more distracting and off putting
• I could visualise successfully completing the task, and receiving positive feedback at the end of it
• Or, I could shift the attention off the other person entirely, and focus solely on carrying out their instructions (not trying to do it ‘well’ or please the other person. I'm simply following their instructions and trusting my instincts!)

Let’s go with that last one. I can prototype (a low-commitment way to experiment with this approach) this by setting myself the challenge of not looking at the instructor for the two-minutes I’m shadow boxing, at my next Muay Thai coaching session.

Finally, we need to test whether the solution works. If I feel less stressed by the end of my shadow boxing (say, a self-rated stress level of 4/10, as opposed to my usual 7), we’ll know we’re onto something with this approach. If not, we go back to the drawing board and prototype one of the other solutions.

My point here is: that if you’re a naturally more sensitive, neurotic person, you’re likely never going to be as naturally resilient to stress as your dandelion counterparts (thankfully, it’s not all bad. Being an orchid comes with its fair share of valuable strengths, too!)

But, you’re an adult… and unlike when you were a child, you have the autonomy to redesign your environment and the way you react to it, so that stress becomes a little more manageable day-to-day.

Want to become a master of your own mindset, so you can confidently go after your biggest goals without self-sabotage? My 1-1 self-leadership coaching is now open.

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