The Happiness Paradox

I recently watched a video by a Finnish comedian who was commenting on the fact that Finland was once again voted the happiest country in the world by the UN. In the middle of a laughing crowd he wondered:

'Am I the only Finnish person who is not feeling like he's the 'happiest in the world'? Is everyone else extremely happy?'

This got me thinking: what a mirror of our society!

Here we are, scrolling through everyone’s posts and photos and achievement, thinking we’ve got to be on top of our game all the time.

In truth, happiness isn’t a straight line, in fact, often it’s more like the weather, hot and cold, sunny, rainy and in full blown hurricane mode. It's definitely a curve, and that's what makes it beautiful and valuable, what makes us appreciate it even more.

Why Chasing Happiness Can Be Counter-Productive

The Merriam-Webster definition of happiness is: a state of well-being and contentment.

So why is it then when we chase this state of well-being and of contentment the state runs the other way? I researched it for us, and here are my findings.

To begin, we have to introduce the Happiness Paradox, aka - the more we want it, the less likely we are to find it.

Why does this phenomenon occur?

1. We're looking in the wrong places: We may be chasing external markers of happiness (wealth, fame, possessions) thinking they bring us joy. However, happiness is actually more about internal satisfaction and fulfillment, hence focusing on external achievements can lead us away from what truly makes us content.
2. The Hedonic Treadmill - aka - constantly raising the bar: This concept suggests that as we acquire more (money, success, material goods), our expectations and desires rise in tandem, which leads to never being satisfied. We adapt to new levels of happiness quickly, and what once brought joy soon becomes the new normal, pushing us to seek even more.
3. Overthinking Kills the Joy: In the pursuit of happiness, we often overanalyze what it takes to be happy, which can lead to analysis paralysis or a focus on what’s missing rather than what we have. This constant scrutiny can make happiness seem even more elusive.
4. Forgetting to Live the Present: Chasing happiness can cause us to always look ahead, planning for a future where we imagine being happier. This relentless pursuit can prevent us from appreciating the present moment and finding joy in the here and now.
5. Eudaimonic vs. Hedonic Happiness (choosing depth over pleasure): Eudaimonia, a concept from Aristotelian ethics, is about finding happiness through fulfilling one's potential and living virtuously. Hedonic happiness, on the other hand, is about seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. Chasing the latter (hedonic) can be fleeting and less fulfilling in the long run.

Fundamentally it's a bit like the advice friends give you when you are out there looking for love: 'that one special person you're searching for will come when you least expect it'. And you're thinking 'alright, you can come now, I'm not looking!'

Since telling someone NOT to do something usually has the complete opposite effect, I have discovered that one effective way to "find" happiness is (instead of making it our direct goal) to actively work on it on a daily basis.

Essentially, happiness tends to appear when we're not actively seeking it, but rather when we're engaged in living a life that aligns with our values and involves positive contributions to others.

We can engage in activities that provide a sense of purpose, build meaningful relationships, and practice gratitude. This can lead to a more enduring form of happiness.

Something else very valuable that we can engage in, is Coaching.

It’s not a magic fix, but it’s a solid step towards getting real with yourself. It’s about peeling back the layers, figuring out who you are and what you actually want your life to look like, acknowledging that it's okay to not always be okay.

It's about actively choosing what enters your life rather than reacting to circumstances and owning those choices.

Happiness is Contagious

This is probably my favorite fact about happiness: it is contagious.

You could be in any given mood as you read this article, however, if right now you are happy, why not pass a slice of that happiness around?

Smile at a stranger, text a friend out of the blue. Happiness is like a boomerang; when you give happiness out to the world, it comes right back at you.

What I've learned about happiness

Growing up, my parents taught me that hard work leads to results, and somewhere along the way I somehow equated success to happiness.

For a long time, I believed that.

I chased after every goal, thinking that once I got there, I'd finally feel happy. But whenever I reached those goals, happiness was truly just a fleeting moment, more often than not, by the time I achieved them I was already setting sail towards a new and bigger goal.

This made me completely rethink my entire professional career.

Could consistent work I didn't enjoy actually lead to happiness?

I re-wired my career, building it on a day-to-day I love to see what the result would be. I love learning, both formal and informal, I love working with people who inspire me, I love coaching and supporting others, so six years ago I started a business in Executive Coaching, focusing on what makes me happy every day.

My experiment worked.

As a coach, I work with people who have reached what many of us think of as 'success.' As we sit here and imagine them sitting 'up there', perhaps in the same location as shown in their new book cover, distributing valuable advice and simply being happy, I can share that non of them are actually still sitting where that book cover was shot, they have long past that chapter in their lives and they are out there looking for what's next, searching for new things to learn, new experiences, and chapters of life and of happiness.

Reaching a big goal isn't the end of the happiness journey, it’s just part of it.

Happiness isn’t a big, shiny trophy at the end of a race. It’s more like all the little moments and feelings we collect every day. It's about enjoying what we have right now, knowing ourselves better, and making small changes that bring us joy. That’s what adds up to a happy life.

How can we tackle the Happiness Paradox?

Contrary to the paradox, Roberto Benigni - Italian actor, writer and producer - famously said to chase happiness, not to give up on it, to not simply stop for good in any other place. Personally, when I found out it was happiness and not achievement I was actually aiming for it transformed my life.

It is valuable to remember that happiness is not merely a moment or a straight line, it's determined by a set of actions we set in motion with awareness and consistency and moments in time that simply appear and glimmer in the middle of our our darkest or dullest or medium-mood days.

It will come and go, and when it appears to be fleeting, we must remember that its beauty is in noticing it when it comes, in not fearing it will disappear when we are holding it, in learning to navigate its ups and downs, the big wins and the small joys, and everything in between.