How can women navigate their careers when their family culture tells them the top is not where they belong?

A couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk about women and corporate leadership to female executives at a major tech company in the Bay Area. Afterwards, I spent some time signing copies of my book and talking one-on-one with the attendees. Normally in these situations, I’m asked about how I found my own path to the top, and people question me about specific career advice they can implement—all in a day’s work, given my 20 years spent working as an executive recruiter. But this time, three different women approached me with a similar question that I was not prepared to answer. 

I am paraphrasing here, but the gist of each inquiry was this: How can I aim to make it to the top of my field when my family culture does not view leadership as a place women belong? 

I took a deep breath—a few, actually—and thought about what I could say. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been encouraged to follow my dreams of making it to the highest echelons of the corporate world. I have parents who taught me to have confidence in myself, to aim for the stars, and to expect the same opportunities and rewards as any man who worked as hard and brought as much value as I did. Growing up, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t have exactly the same opportunities as a man. I married a man who knew that I very much wanted a family and a career, and that I expected him to be an equal partner when it came to running the household and parenting. His family of origin, like mine, believes women should have the same opportunities as men. Even saying that feels funny to me because I can’t imagine it being otherwise. But I know it’s a very different story for many women. 

I have, by all accounts, always had a tremendous amount of support. Still, getting to this level in my career has been a steep hill to climb at times.

Sitting there on the hot seat in front of these women, I wondered how I could respond with some meaningful advice. For them, getting to the top doesn’t look so much like a tough incline as it does a vertical wall. And not only because of corporate bias or systemic racism. What’s holding them back is the very force that gave me the strength to keep moving, especially when I found myself in challenging situations. 

As someone who values family above all else, I understand the deep need and urgency to feel that the people you love the most support and understand your ambition and your choices. 

I’m still searching for how to answer these women. So I’m hoping for insights from all of you. Could our workplace tools for building awareness and understanding be used at home to help women approach conversations with their families about the importance of equal opportunity? How can women who have life partners, parents or extended family who believe that women’s careers should always take second place change the minds of those they love most? I’d love to hear what you think, especially if you have personal experience with these issues.