Men's Mental Health and Parenting

The other day was the anniversary of my stepfather's death. Just days previous was his celebration of life that his friends and coworkers put together. It was a difficult time for me as I spent a significant time reflecting on the relationship we had and how it ended so tragically. We weren't speaking prior to his death, which left some lingering, unresolved feelings between us. Over the last year I have been able to do a deep dive into his life and discovered a number of things that allowed me to view him differently. I felt that I needed to share some perspectives on the conclusions that I came to over the last year.

What I want to speak about is men's mental health and being a parent. Our children's mental health and emotional state are reflections of how we treat them and behave with and around them. For too long there has been a societal gaslighting towards children that if they are misbehaving or behaving negatively that somehow there is something wrong with the child, not the environment they are exposed to. There is a belief that they must behave according to a strict set of rules or beliefs that were imposed on us when we were children.

Nobody is perfect. And it can be a harsh, reluctant reality to discover that your parents may have perpetuated harmful behaviours on you. That we, in turn, may be continuing in a form of generational abuse and trauma by believing that it is appropriate to treat our own children the same way. The idea that we suffered so our children should suffer the same negative behaviour based on an irrational belief that we turned out fine, so they will, only perpetuates negative behavioural patterns.

The question to be answered is, are you truly fine? Do you, or did you, suffer from some type of mental health problem such as depression, anxiety or substance use? Perhaps it is worth a look at how you were treated by your caregivers as many of these issues that manifest later in life can be attributed to how we were treated as children. It is not the responsibility of our children to have to manage our issues, especially mental health problems, and to live in fear of repercussions if they don't live up to some impossible standard that was pushed on us, that we are now imposing on them. If you look back on how you were treated and anything made you feel sad, angry, or ashamed, perhaps we shouldn't do the same to our children.

When our children are suffering from serious mental health problems, or severe negative behaviours, we must not only take a look at the environment that they are exposed to outside of the home; a great majority of children, and adult children, suffering from mental health problems are being exposed to harmful behaviours within the home. Of course, there could be an external factor that has caused a slide to negative behaviour and emotional states such as trauma or abuse; however, often the focus tends to be on something wrong with the child, instead of focusing on anything that we may be doing wrong. There is also the possibly of an epigenetic factor that may come into play through the passing of genetic behavioural traits that may be triggered by an environment. Unfortunately, epigenetics is still in its infancy with little evidence to support it at this point.

When a boy is constantly shamed for showing emotions, told to 'suck it up, be a man' or not given the effective emotional support as they are developing difficult emotions, they will internalize it. They will struggle with that shame and believe that there is something wrong with them. Emotions may be bottled up and come out in tantrums or rage. They may bully others that show emotion or 'girly' behaviour. They may turn to drugs or alcohol to manage their emotions. It is our responsibility as men to emotionally support and qualify difficult emotions, not just in boys but girls as well, so that our children are not afraid or ashamed of their emotions and manage them effectively.

If we do not practice this early in our children's lives, the more likely our children will develop behaviour problems that could turn into serious mental health problems later in life. Further, if we do not promote proper care for mental health as well as physical health, or even deny that it is an issue, children likely will believe the same as they get older and not seek help if they need it.

Over the last 10-15 years of my stepfather's life he was struggling. With the loss of family members and many friends, his heart attack and weight gain, the declining health of his wife, the severe mental health problems of his daughter, and many other issues, his mental health problems and substance use only got worse and worse. His business partners and employees were having difficulties with him. He stopped submitting tax documents several years ago, which fell to me to rectify as executor. I had tried numerous times to offer help, to set up counselling or therapy, or even to work with him after I got sober. He always refused, often with anger and rage, or a 'how dare you'.

Unfortunately, the family suffered as a result. Not just with my stepfather, but all of us; a full house of mental health disorders - and there is a reason for that. However, if only he had been able to admit that he needed help, or took the hand that was offered, all of this could have been avoided. This tragedy was preventable, especially before it got to the point we're at now. It was never too late to fix, it was denied by denial itself. And sadly, my sister had to pay the ultimate price for that denial.

But, here we are. There was a reason I began my healing journey 12 years ago. It came about after a singular event with my daughter. It scared me. It scared me because I could see that I was repeating the same behaviours that I had experienced, that I was becoming him. I could see the difficult path I was about to put my own family on and I refused to let it happen. I could not. I had to break the cycle. I even tried to be a good model for my family and provide advice when I could. I would only be met with mockery and anger and denial. I watched them spiral out of control, helpless to help them because they refused to acknowledge that they were suffering.

There is no shame in needing help, nor admitting that you need help. If your children are struggling, maybe take a look at yourself and if what you are going through is negatively impacting them. Heal together, as a family. Otherwise take my family as an example of what the consequences are if you are forced to struggle alone and afraid.

I still struggle with the way I was treated. I hear his voice in my head and feel ashamed, inadequate, worthless, and afraid of being a failure. It is a constant battle that I am winning, just in small steps. The book below I highly recommend. Not only did it give me the tools to help my daughter manage her difficult emotions, but it helped me understand what was missing from my own childhood and equips me to challenge the negative self image I have developed from being treated the way I was. I am not only learning to be a better parent, but reparenting myself to fill the gaps in my own life and heal from what I went through.

Love each other, help each other, lift each other up.

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson – Books on Google Play