Off-hand Compliments
Originally posted to: chenmark.com/weekly-thoughts
Back in our finance days, a colleague much more senior to us made a side comment that while we didn’t speak much in meetings, when we did contribute it was usually something meaningful and everybody made sure to listen. More than 15 years later, we still feel touched when thinking of that moment. For that person, it was an off-hand inconsequential comment. For us, it made all the difference. We had actually been feeling quite self-conscious about the fact that we listened more than we talked during meetings. We’ll be forever grateful to that person for making a kind comment to an insecure analyst.
As it turns out, a lot of people have vivid memories of off-hand comments. In How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing People and Being Deeply Seen, 62-year-old David Brooks recounts a memory from his 11th-grade English class:
“I had said something smug and stupid in Mrs. Dewsnap’s class. And she says, ‘David, you’re trying to get by on being glib. Stop that.’ On the one hand, I was kind of ashamed — felt like, ooh, she called me out in front of the whole class. On the other hand, I was like, ‘Wow, she really knows me. I’m honored.’”
Even people who seem to have it all together benefit from what we’ll call off-hand compliments. On The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, actress Natalie Portman recounted the emotional boost she got when she met Rihanna for the first time at Paris Fashion Week. Rihanna made sure to tell Portman she was one of the “hottest b*tches in Hollywood forever.” Portman, who was in the midst of finalizing a difficult divorce recounted that the comment meant everything to her, telling Fallon that “I think every woman going through a divorce should get to have Rihanna say to her that she’s a bad b*tch.”
It’s not the only time Rihanna had this effect. Back in 2016, actress Anne Hathaway was feeling insecure and self-conscious about her body after having her first child. She recounts what happened when she showed up on set to film Oceans 8:
“After I had my son, the weight was really slow to come off and so I was a different size than I normally am. I walked on the set, and my weight’s a little up and I’m just aware of it… and then Rihanna looks up and goes, ‘Damn girl, you got an ass.’ And I of course was freaked out and loved it so much and I go, ‘Really?’ And she goes, ‘You got an ass like me.’ And I can honestly say I’ve never had that experience on a film set before.”
Now, we’re not saying everybody should walk around calling people bad b’s and complimenting strong posterior chains (particularly not at work!!). That said, we all have the power to make another person feel seen. Whether personally or professionally, if the moment presents itself, say something kind. You may never know it, but it could make all the difference.
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Have a great week,
Your Chenmark Team