Response to "The Slap" - One Year Later

Last April, a few days after the Oscars, I wrote this piece about my thoughts and feelings about what has since come to be known as the “the slap heard ‘round the world.”  My main point, however, was that even though it seemed like the whole world had taken to their phones and keyboards to boldly state their fully formed takes, my thoughts and feelings were a jumbled mess and I wasn’t even close to ready to share them.  I decided to make it an experiment and declared that I’d let this all settle for a while and share my thoughts in one year.

It’s now a year later and I’m back to close the loop - a bit annoyed with my past self for laying this on me, but also a bit intrigued about what will flow from these fingertips.

I haven’t consumed a whole lot of content about the slap, but I have seen a little bit from the three main people involved.  I’ve watched Will’s response on Instagram, Jada’s acknowledgement of the events on her Red Table Talk as she introduced her episode on alopecia, and I’ve recently watched Chris Rock’s new special on Netflix where he addresses the subject.

Hearing directly from the people involved, or rather, through their own created content, it seems to me like this stems from some negativity and unpleasantness that's been long simmering and that I don’t really understand.  In other words, it seems personal.  

As for me, what are my feelings right now?  Mostly I’m just bummed.  I am a fan of Jada and Chris and, most of all, Will.  I like these three entertainers when they’re at the top of their game, when they’re vibrant, when they’re shining like the stars that they are.  Each of their brightness has been dimmed from this event and I’m not sure if / when they’ll be shining fully and brightly again.

Which leads me to my final thought.  These three humans, though they live very public lives, are just that - human.  Of course we have a “right”, if you want to call it that, to comment on what we see play out publicly and make declarations about who’s right and who’s wrong.  We can grandstand about how violence is never acceptable - agreed (except for when we collectively agree it is) - and engage in ways that make us feel part of the story and better than the people involved.

But I’ll offer another path forward as we respond to this event, or since most of us have moved on, the next inevitable public event that gets us fired up.  Empathy.  Empathy might not be as fun as jumping into the melee, taking sides that no one is asking us to take, and proudly declaring the behavior we’re sure we’d display when put in situations we’ve never even been close to.  (Anyone reading ever been a presenter at the Oscars, or heard a joke at their expense while on national television, or anxiously hoped to win their first ever Academy Award?)

Turning to empathy isn’t really for Jada or Chris or Will.  It’s for us.  We get a rush when we jump into the internet and engage in these reactive fevers.  But I fear that instead of resulting in us feeling connected and a part of something we instead feel the opposite: a bit more isolated and a bit less comfortable in our own skin.  Because we’re pretending.

No, empathy is not for them.  It’s for us.  Empathy allows us to see someone else’s mistake and give them their humanity in return.  This isn’t to excuse it or diminish it; consequences should and have been rendered - both tangibly and karmically.  We respond with empathy to make space for imperfection because in doing so we make space for ourselves.  Even though we know that no one is perfect we are often deeply uncomfortable with our own imperfection.  We think it invalidates us and so we try desperately to keep others from noticing.  

I know this as well as anyone.  I have a deep perfectionist streak and for most of my life have felt that in order to earn love and acceptance I needed to be as perfect as I could be.  The truth is, we are lovable and worthy just as we are.  And the harder truth is, the only way we start to feel that is when we step out on a little bit of faith, allow our imperfections to be seen, and find that we can love ourselves and be loved through it all.

So when it comes to Jada, Chris, and Will - or anyone else you’re tempted to judge for their obvious imperfections, give empathy a try.  And when you allow others to be imperfect and still lovable and worthy, see the opening that creates for you to experience that love and acceptance as well - just the way you are.