The Thought Creator

Welcome to the third edition of The Thought Creator.

My aim is to create a space where you can take a mindful moment to be inspired. In a world moving at considerable pace, I hope to provide you with an opportunity to take five, make a cuppa, sit, read, and create a thought. Where you take that thought will be up to you, I'll just be planting the seed.

In today's issue I share a little about my journey through grief and how I'm endeavouring to come out the other side!

I recently discovered something referred to as disenfranchised grief, and it sparked my curiosity to read more.

Disenfranchised grief, also known as hidden grief or sorrow, refers to any grief that goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms. This kind of grief is often minimised or not understood by others, which makes it particularly hard to process and work through.

I connected with the article immediately!

February 15, 2022, my beautiful 10-year old kelpie Vanders passed away suddenly. I was on a zoom call for work and he was happily playing out in our front garden. As soon as my call finished I headed out the front to join him and found him lying on the grass in the sun - his spirit departed. My guttural screams echoed throughout the neighbourhood, feeling like my heart had just been broken into a million tiny pieces; I didn't know if I would ever find a way to stop crying.

Later that afternoon we would bury our beloved Vanders in the back garden, close by to our other dogs Jude and Kya. The sudden loss of Vanders, recalling the pain following Jude and Kya's passings' - the death of 'my girl & boys' leaving me feeling deeply broken hearted.

The following morning I left for my morning walk without my beautiful Vanders by my side - the place he'd been on every walk, every day, for the past 10-years. I got to the end of the street and had to turn around and go home, feeling all broken up inside and not being able to find a way to stop the tears from falling. I'd try to walk and fail many more times over the coming days, weeks, and months as my grief, along the trauma of finding him, and that he passed away by himself - I wasn't with him - I couldn't comfort him - all became too much!

In the days and weeks that followed, I also started to sense that other people didn't quite understand the depths of my sadness and I felt guilt starting to tinge the edges of my grief. There was a little voice inside my head whispering that I shouldn't still be so deeply grieving the loss of Vanders. I was attempting to dismiss my grief, doubting it, and feeling guilty that months had passed and I still couldn't go for a walk, or that terrible things were happening in the world that far outweighed my loss - was I inappropriately reacting?

"When grief is not recognised as valid by others, people may start to question their own feelings and feel anger, shame, or guilt for experiencing grief" ~ Angeleena May, LMHC, Executive Director at AMFM Healthcare

According to Griefline, it is very common that when things feel confusing and/or overwhelming it can have a negative effect on our normal routines, routines that may have provided comfort and enjoyment while contributing to positive feelings and a sense of wellbeing. The loss of my happy place - my daily walks with Vanders - was now not only affecting me emotionally, but in the months to follow the physical symptoms of grief would start to wreak some havoc:

• Weight gain as a result of lack of exercise, personal care and overeating - (because salt and vinegar chips and red wine can heal a broken heart right)!
• Inflammation, resulting in joint pain.
• Insomnia, resulting in a puffy face and eyes (that I would blame on hay fever when joining a teams call at work).
• Feeling depressed and anxious.

I've learned that grief affects the entire body, including the organs, skin, brain, and tissues. It can create issues with muscle tension, sleeping difficulties, and affect how the brain and body process information and emotions. Grief can lead to physical pain and affect your body's ability to fight off illness.

Type dealing with grief into a google search and you'll find 13,900,000 results - The 7 Stages of Grief - 7 Effective Strategies to Process Grief - 6 Coping Skills When Grieving - 9 Ways Grief Shows Up In the Body - 5 Recommended Strategies, the list of stories and resources goes on, and on, and on; there is no magic pill to help you feel better, however amongst the 13 million+ results there are some things that can help us cope with grief a little better:

• Be kind to yourself; looking after both your physical and emotional needs.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Keep moving.
• Eat well.
• Spend time with people who care about you.

Reflection - what I've done since Vanders passed away:

• I've not been kind to myself; I have neglected my physical and emotional needs.
• Suffered from insomnia - I struggle to sleep.
• I literally stopped moving!
• I have not eaten well.
• I isolate myself and don't spend enough time with friends.

In the past few weeks I decided to draw that old line in the sand and push myself to come out the other side of my grief.

Keep Moving

The biggest change is that I'm moving again, thanks to a work colleague who started a Movember team. I'm out of my comfort zone and committed to moving every day throughout the month of Movember, aiming to clock up 60km for the 60 men we lose each hour of every day - today, November 6th I'm 20.41kms done and dusted!

Get Plenty of Sleep

I'm doing all I can to help create an environment where I can sleep, starting with two books:

1. My highlighter is poised and ready as I start re-reading Matthew Walker's Why We Sleep. My purple highlighter from the first time I read Matthew's book recalls: "Sleep reforms the body's metabolic state by fine-tuning the balance of insulin and circulating glucose. Sleep further regulates our appetite, helping control body weight through healthy food selection rather than rash impulsivity. Plentiful sleep maintains a flourishing microbiome within your gut from which we know so much of our nutritional health begins."
2. I'm reading The Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace. The Alcohol Experiment is a book that takes you on a 30-day experiment where you commit to living 30 days without alcohol, resolving the conflict by getting the conscious and subconscious minds on the same page. Today, November 6th I'm day 9 alcohol free and sleeping better than I have in a very long time!

Being Kind To Myself

I'm in an abusive relationship with myself, and it's time to get out!

Going back through my journal, January 25th this year I wrote: "I need to go for a walk! I've only walked a couple of times since Vanders passed away - I'm so fat and miserable, I HAVE to start walking again!"

I'm consciously being gentle with myself now. As Jacqueline Caputo, LMFT says, "We should always be gentle with ourselves! Being harsh or mean to ourselves does not do us any favors. Constantly taking part in self-criticism can cause harmful effects on our mental and physical well-being. Studies show that it can even play a role in people having eating disorders, anxiety, or depression, just to name a few."

It's time to bulldoze all the expectations and block out the harsh forces that linger and cause me to be unkind to myself - I'm a work in progress, and that's OK!

And loving a dog as much as I do - that is OK too!

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really" ~ Agnes Sligh Turnbull

Further resources:

Griefline is a national not-for-profit that has been serving the community for more than 30 years. They offer a variety of services that provide help-seekers the opportunity to access free grief support and resources, no matter where they are or what time of the day it is. They have a resource hub where you can access articles featuring information, tips and tools to help you manage grief and loss - they even have a page and downloadable pet fact sheet for those of us animal lovers struggling through the loss of a pet.

www.griefline.org.au

www.griefline.org.au/resources/losing-a-pet/

Phone: 1300 845 745

• Matt Walker: Sleep is your superpower | TED Talk
• Why We Sleep, The New Science of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker | 9780141983769 | Booktopia
• The Alcohol Experiment, 30 Days To Take Control, Cut Down Or Give Up For Good by Annie Grace | 9780008293505 | Booktopia