Walk of shame

This is one of the more difficult chapters to write. Why is it so hard? Because this is the time I was wrong, and I did not lead. It took me much time to recognize and accept it. What I discovered is that it becomes a power battle both internally and externally. You are fighting on two fronts, and sooner or later, you will lose. The longer you fight, the harder the loss will hit you.

Studying in Lugano at Franklin University Switzerland with my new classmates from all over the world, I hit some roadblocks to overcome. In some of them, I was wiser and more capable, and in some of them, it got the best of me. Don't get me wrong, most of the time, it was smooth sailing and much fun. But as with everything we do, when pressure rises, it becomes harder to act with patience and wisdom. I remind all readers that in a story with many actors, there are equally many viewpoints on what happened. This is my personal experience and personal learnings I am sharing. Each personal viewpoint deserves equally much advocacy and is equally true to the one I am sharing.

The problem

We were given a research task to perform as a class. In the beginning, there was much unclarity. Some of us still needed to learn how to do proper research. Part of it was we needed clarification on the desired outcome. The biggest challenge that we needed clarification on was that we needed to know what questions to ask. To add to it all, we had all been in the 'honeymoon' phase, where everything was nice, and all were still good friends. All of that was about to change with this project.

The honeymoon is over

As the problem started to unfold, and we, as a class of diverse nations and backgrounds, started to tackle the issue, tensions started to rise. Not only tensions between people and the approaches but also tensions on how the task was understood. Some took a very distant and inactive stance, others an active problem-solving stance, and some a very problem-orientated, defensive stance. It started to divide the group into subcultures. When we met as a class, these subcultures argued for their standing point.

For me, the complexity started to grow, and there was a polarization between groups. We had people who wanted us to inform our teachers that we would not participate in the research and others who argued it was not an option. I belonged to the group that felt it was not an option to say we would not participate. Despite the group who felt extremely uncomfortable with the project making valid points, I quickly dismissed them as meaningless.

This was the first mistake. Under no circumstances was I in a position to dismiss the concerns. At most, in a position to open a dialogue on how to move past it. But I was not equipped with these skills in this situation. I even (in my mind) judged the persons to be young and naive, even to some part arrogant in thinking we can pick and choose what we want.

This was my second mistake, placing labels on the persons I disagreed with. I even stretched it to demining their importance and value. Instead of showing curiosity towards their viewpoint and strong opinions, I found ways of 'seeing myself as above' the conflict.

With this in mind, I felt it was time for me to step in.

Stepping up (and expecting others to appreciate it)

I had the privilege to do a decent Master of Science at Hanken School of Economics in Helsinki. Further, I have been involved in research teams and learned some tricks and ways to work around research projects. However, I had also worked with enough researchers to know I was not a researcher. I also knew very well how little I did know. But with that background, I still felt I had some knowledge that could come in handy with the situation we were facing. So I decided to step in (or step up).

We had reached a point where we requested a meeting with our supervisor to ask some questions. We were also going to give some feedback and raise concerns about the project. The discussion took a lot of time and energy, and little progress was made. As it had an emphasis on a research project, I suggested that I can put together a short presentation with the main questions we need clarity on to conduct a research project. It seemed to get appreciation and acceptance. I also got some people who were willing to help me, and we agreed to first work through it and then present it to the class.

I felt a bit proud of myself. I felt I had contributed to resolving a challenge. I was also happy that I had stepped up and offered to help. Even more, I felt I was trusted enough by our class to perform the task and that I wasn't alone in it. As I walked home from school, I felt excited to get started. Finally, I could show some of the knowledge I had and use it to bring people together.

Failing on many levels

After some work on putting together a proposal for a presentation, I had the session with my support team. We looked through the frame I had made, and it received appreciation. I also got some good input which made it even stronger. Teamwork and using many different viewpoints were surely paying off. The structure was clear, as well as the points we needed clarity on. We agreed to call the class to look at the results and to do a final round of comments.

My first mistake was that I thought this simple trick would magically bring everyone on the same page. In my simple mind, I thought we had agreed that this would be our way forward, and now we only needed to focus on the content on the slides and secure any needs for clarification were addressed in the presentation.

How wrong I was. Despite having the attention of some classmates, many still focused on arguments for throwing the whole project out. I struggled to understand why this was even on the table.

My second mistake was that I expected people to pay attention. As I sat in front of the class, presenting the ideas to receive constructive feedback, some of my classmates went on with other tasks. I didn't mind, but the noisiness was making it hard for me to hear the feedback of the students that were paying attention. I did as I always do. I called the people out, requested them to be quiet, so we could continue working, and then moved on.

For a while, it worked, but then the volume of the others focusing on something else started to pick up again. Being a simple, solution-minded person with respect for peoples differing priorities, I called the people out again, this time with a solution (I thought). I suggested that if they have other things they need to do, they could go and do that somewhere else, as I still need to hear what feedback I am receiving. As an alternative, I suggested we stop going through the material, as I could not even hear my own thoughts. I was also questioning if this mattered at all. I could sense the awkward silence. I had some classmates request me to continue and to remind people that we were here to go through this material. Then I agreed to continue.

The problem was resolved (I thought). No one left, and no off-topic discussion was present. I felt satisfied and felt I did the right thing. In my mind, I even praised myself for showing leadership skills.

The ugly truth

How wrong I was. What I failed to recognize was that my classmates felt I was rude and acting based on anger and frustration. Further, I did not even ask what my classmates were doing or what was so important to them. Again, I lacked curiosity and appreciation for the work they were doing. Later I learned that they were trying to work out solutions for mining the data we were requested to analyze. I also learned that they did not see a need to follow my suggested approach, as they knew I had it covered, so they were working on the next steps solving other problems for the project.

What I did to the classmates who appreciated the work I had done, had a high level of trust in my work, and were trying to contribute to the project, was that I called them out for not paying attention. Finally, I asked them to leave. How do you think that impacted their view on the project and the work I had done, not to mention my leadership skills? I can tell you it was brutal behavior from my side, and their reaction was something most people would have seen coming a mile away. But I was too caught up in appreciating my effort and expecting people to appreciate me stepping up. Being deeply inside my head, I never recognized the others who were stepping up as well.

We managed to get the final version of the presentation done, and it was presented to our supervisor. She did show appreciation for the work done. However, I could sense that the whole class was not appreciating it. I could also sense the frustration present in the classroom. To say the least, things could have gone better.

The power of blame to 'avoid' the shame

So what happened? Well, I think you can expect what happened. It blew up in my face. Despite me being a person who prefers having feedback given straight to me, I got to hear about a lot of discussions happening behind my back. This was devastating for me. It was also devastating to hear many of the comments and thoughts people had of me. For a deeply introverted person, who prefers not to speak up, the feedback I received was a shock. I did not know how to deal with it.

Being overwhelmed, confused, and feeling rejected by my classmates, I made my next mistakes. I blamed them.

I blamed them for not understanding the Finnish mentality of getting a job done. I blamed them for not appreciating the effort it is for an introvert to set up. I blamed them for being cruel and ignorant. I even pushed the thought so far that I felt some classmates were wildly jealous of my knowledge and skills. I felt the anger and frustration build up. And I did what I thought was right.

I decided not to make any effort anymore for anything related to the project. Only to do what I was asked to do by others and with minimum effort. I also decided to distance myself from my classmates. I felt misplaced, and I missed home. I started to feel very uncomfortable with returning to class.

Shame catches up, sadness and despair kick in

As my anger started passing, I made the following mistake. I again called my classmates out. This time, with tears in my eyes, sitting on a bench by Lake Lugano, writing a message to our WhatsApp group. As I started to feel less angry, and even if I did not fully understand what I had done to make some people so upset, I knew the easiest way out was to apologize. So I did.

After sending the message, I sat by the lake and cried. I called my husband, and I told him I would quit school and come home. It was too much. I could not even explain to him what had happened. Even I didn't know. As I was speaking to him, I also received some WhatsApp messages, all of them as private messages. I ignored them at first. I just wanted to go home and forget about this program, my classmates, and my broken heart. I wanted the hurt feelings to go away. The world felt like a cruel place, and I felt like a stranger. I swore never to go to school again and to never step up for anything again. I wanted to disappear, or so I thought.

At that point, I was not being honest with myself. Much later, after this incident, I learned what I truly would have wanted. I wanted to be understood, and I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted to feel accepted by my classmates. It was devastating to learn that what I thought would help me on that journey backfired.

Only much later did I learn that people might appreciate you for your skills. But they will love and support you for the person you are.

Making it worse - the dark side of a broken heart

Some of my classmates had sent me messages showing support and love. It made the difference so that I could get up and go to school the following day. But I had decided to focus on the tasks given, not on any people around me. I could behave with good manners, but I would not care. And most surely, I would not open my heart to anyone. And then, without any of them knowing, I would leave without them knowing. I would have quit school and the program. I would have returned home and started to do something else, leaving all of this behind me.

Not long after the incident, one of our classmates stepped up with a proposal on how to manage the project. The idea was simple and elegant. We were also completely fed up with the whole thing and all unclarity. All of us just wanted to be done with it. The turning point for me was when all my classmates applauded her presentation at the end of it.

Now my ego took over. That applause belonged to me! At that same moment, I completely switched off. I felt unappreciated. I felt humiliated. I even read into the situation as I was convinced some classmates looked at me with a 'this is how you do it, Tina' look. I felt like I was in a hostile environment where all of them wanted me to go home, and all of them hated me. I felt like it all was done to humiliate me and embarrass me. I thought it was all about me.

The friends and leaders creating a safe space

But I was lucky. I had friends in the room. All of them were my friends. All of them did appreciate the effort I had put in. All of them valued me highly. Some of them were hurt by my poor leadership skills when asking them to leave the room, but all of that had already passed for them. But I was too caught up in my broken heart to see things for what they were. I failed to lead even myself at that point. And I was failing big time.

Lucky for me, other people recognized the situation and started leading me. There were people sensitive enough to see what was happening. Despite the chaos and conflict, they also recognized what was happening to me. And they stepped up. They created a safe space where different aspects of the chain of events could be explored. How did they do that?

Two things: 1) They listened to understand, not to respond. 2) They gave me the time I needed to digest the viewpoints they were presenting.

They led me out of the hole I had been digging for myself. They were there for me, to help me grow. But most importantly, they recognized, even before I did myself, that I wanted to grow and that I was ready to grow.

Without them, it is likely I would not have reconnected with my class and seen the wonderful people for what they truly are. Without this leadership I was given as a gift, I would have made a terrible mistake for myself. And without me being vulnerable and recognizing that I am heartbroken and in pain, I would most likely never have been able to receive the leadership I was offered.

Growing through pain - the long-term perspective

No one puts more pressure on us than we do ourselves. No one is as critical and judgemental towards us as we are ourselves. And sometimes, we lose ourselves in our critical voices and project them into our surroundings.

I do this much more than I want to admit. This is why it becomes extremely hard to lead in many situations. As a leader, I need people to guide and lead me. For me, it has become a dynamic two-way street. People who see me as a leader are equally much leading me. I am learning as I go, and I am making mistakes daily. Without people around me, it would be impossible to learn from these mistakes and grow.

During the last almost three years, I have been growing a lot. It has, at times, been very painful, both in cases where I have succeeded and in cases I have not. The failures are the most painful ones. As we do not have a time machine to go back and act differently as we have grown and learned, we need to face these situations and evolve.

But it also creates a dilemma. If you never do anything, how could you do anything wrong? But if you do nothing, how can you grow and learn?

The key survival kit for me has become these actions:

• Listen to understand
• Allow yourself and others time.
• Ask people if people are open to feedback and if they could give you feedback (both good and bad). If not, appreciate that response and move on.
• There is always more to the story than you think
• If your ego or emotions take over. Take a step back and work through it.
• Try again.
• Be prepared to have your heart broken and to break other people's hearts.
• Make sure you have people around you whom you have deep psychological safety with.
• Be honest. Also, when you know you are being judgemental, emotional, or led by ego.

We all fail. We are all learning. And we are all growing. With the current state of the world, it is clear that there is much room to grow. In the book "The universe is a green dragon", the short evolutionary history of mankind is recognized. In comparison to e.g., fungus, we have many pivoting points and a long evolutionary pathway to walk. Failure is a natural part of this process. From the experience above, I have learnt four critical things about learning to deal with failure:

1. We can always express that "we are Sorry".
2. We can always ask "to be forgiven".
3. We can always look for ways "to find love"".
4. And we should always say "Thank you".