What's REALLY Going On In There?

You’ve got an opportunity to provide, and you’re excited to provide it. A gift that will make a difference for someone in a big way. You’re excited.

You reach out and offer that gift, holding back the excitement you feel, so it’s not projected too much on the receiver. You remember the excitement and ensuing disappointment that would come when people handed you gifts with an expectation that you love it, so you try to avoid perpetuating that feeling.

But your gift isn’t received the way you had hoped. It’s turned down. Which is fine-ish, except it becomes personal. You’re upset. You felt like you were offering an opportunity to deepen leadership — like you were living your purpose on this planet, but instead, that opportunity seems to have turned to dust.

What happens next is the real opportunity for leadership, but it’s harder for you to see, because you’ve been struck in the heart now.

The rejection becomes the ground for your arrogance to take over. You start to get frustrated with this person. You make it mean things about you, or them, that they are simply a “No, thank you”.

The fact they don’t want what you’re offering means they don’t trust you, or don’t respect you. It means they’re narrow-minded or just flat-out stupid. The reasoning being you’re smart, living a big life, and leading. And so if they don’t see this, they must be coming from some other small-minded place.

In your hurt and ensuing defensive reaction, you lose sight of the bigger picture. This person should trust you. (Which is actually code for “They should do what you tell them”). You lose sight of the fact there are a myriad of ways for someone to get where they’re going, and instead get obsessive about this being THE way.

Your gift is no longer a real gift. It’s something to be resisted and guarded against. Your gift has become something more akin to advice — a proclamation for how someone should live their life.

You reach out and connect with the person developing your leadership and ask them for support.

“How can I help them see the way?”, you ask. There is so much honesty in your question.

Your leader invites you to turn things around and take a look for yourself first.

“What is it you’re unwilling to be with here?”, they ask.

You struggle with the question. It’s not that you don’t have answers, it’s that all of your answers are about the person over there.

"Why do you think you’re so upset about this? What do you have invested?”

You take a deeper look. It’s a challenge to see beyond your righteous anger.

You take a few breaths, have another look. You get derailed by the fury that resides within. You set it aside, and keep looking.

“I’m just so angry they can’t see the possibility available”.

Your leader nods their head. They pause, because this is the moment of inflection, but also the easiest place to fall back into the predictable trap. What you’ve shared is vulnerable and represents an opening.

They point to the fact you actually sound heartbroken, and your anger feels like a predictable response to heartbreak.

The floor falls out from under you and you just float with that thought.

It’s true.

It’s heartbreaking being with this person, and you get so upset they have the power to make you feel so heartbroken.

“How do I fix this?”, you ask.

“For now, you don’t. Just feel your heartbreak. Until you’re willing to do that, it’s going to be pretty hard to remain unattached. This is leadership — doing your work first.”

You wish leadership didn’t have to hurt this way. You wish it was possible to lead and develop leadership while remaining unscathed.

But you know that’s an illusion.

You let yourself feel, and trust this is what’s next.