Are You the Problem? Use Empathy to Be a Better Leader

© 2024 by James Bahm

 Do a search for “empathy in business” and you’ll see the need for more empathy and ways to come across as more empathetic to your colleagues. Depending on what website you visit, you’re likely to see anywhere from a handful to a dozen or more ways you can become more empathetic. Here are a few common ones.

 Stop Listening to Respond

 Many among us are guilty of listening to respond.  If you’d like to be seen as more empathetic, you need to listen to understand.  When someone is upset, or hurt, they don’t care that you know someone who experienced something similar. They want to be heard, and they want their feelings validated.

“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.” Carl Rogers

Being an empathetic listener means asking open-ended questions, listening without judgment, and stating the obvious when you don’t know what to say. For example, “Wow. I can’t begin to imagine the impact that had on you, your business, and I don’t know what to say right now. I can see how difficult this is for you.”

Never diminish their feelings by focusing on your personal experiences – remember, they don’t care about you, they want to be heard and acknowledged. If they ask for your advice, you must remove yourself and your judgment from the equation. Moreover, never offer advice until it’s asked, otherwise, you’re likely to come across as a judgmental know-it-all. 

One way to remove myself from the advice I offer is to ask a no-oriented question: I hear how important this is to you and thank you for trusting me. Would it be a bad idea to consider A, B & C? 

I offer advice as a question and likely as not, by asking them if it’s a bad idea, i.e. giving them permission to say no, they’ll either say, “No, that’s actually a good idea.” Or they’ll say, “Yeah, that wouldn’t work because…” If the former is the response, then you’ve offered actionable advice. If they say something along the lines of the latter, you’ve opened the door and allowed the conversation to continue toward finding a better solution. 

 Switch Places

“True empathy requires that you step outside your own emotions to view things entirely from the perspective of the other person.” Anonymous

 Masterclass.com has a nice article about empathy. They discuss three types of empathy:

 Cognitive Empathy – this is when you relate to their perspective without injecting your feelings, experiences, and biases. Remember this: just because you believe something does not make it right, nor is it the only way to consider something.  There is more than one way to fold a t-shirt.

 Compassionate Empathy – When they ask your advice, this type of empathy allows you to provide an unbiased view of the cause and effect of the situation. Mindtools.com says this is the most active form of empathy where you, “not only (have) concern for another person, and sharing their emotional pain, but also taking practical steps to reduce it.”

 Emotional Empathy, masterclass.com says: “You can sum up the underlying difference between emotional and cognitive empathy with an analogy—cognitive empathy is an attempt to walk a mile in another person’s shoes, while emotional empathy is screaming in pain when someone else steps on a nail. Therefore, emotional empathy is a mirrored emotional and occasionally visceral form of caring for another’s well-being through shared experience.”

 Managers, you do your team a disservice if you fail to use compassionate or emotional empathy the next time a direct report bungles a presentation or misses something important.  I caught part of a podcast with Jocko Willink and the gist of his comment is relevant here: if someone is annoying you, look at them as if you are the problem, not them.

 If your direct report dropped the ball on a presentation, ask what you could have done differently to better prepare them for their presentation. Did you fail to coach your team to be better prepared, to listen better, take better notes, or how to focus on key topics the client brings up? Never assume that just because you cover something once that everyone on your team will retain and master it. Remember: Amateurs practice until they get it right. Professionals practice until they can’t get it wrong. 

 Make sure your team sees you as a kind, others-focused person who wants them to know that by sharing your shortcomings and what you’ve learned you’re providing a foundation for their success because empathy provides the opportunity to build stronger relationships.

Empathy, like sales, writing, is a skill that will improve the more you use it. As a manager, your responsibility to those whom you are responsible is to inspire them to accomplish things they never thought possible. Imagine how much better your company - and their lives - will be with more empathy. The better your relationship with your team, the better your team relates to their clients, each other, and their families, which is a great recipe for success in business, and all areas of life.

Bottom Line: Acknowledging and understanding your shortcomings will help you appreciate and recognize the struggle of others.

 James Bahm has over 30 years’ experience in broadcasting, sales and marketing, and recruiting and hiring. He is the author of Don’t Yuck My Yum – a Professional Development and Sales & Marketing book – which is available on amazon.com.