Spent all day on the phone, organising a Free Mohammed rally in the town hall square. An alliance is forming, which includes BP customers, Nigel's Gays Against Daisy Cutters Group and Alan Clarke has promised to attend with his Morris Men

It was a tricky moral dilemma, which was not helped when my mother appeared from behind an artificial conifer, saying, "Yes, what would you do, Mr bleedin' pacifist?"

Adrian Mole, aged 34

Mohamed is convinced that oil is at the centre of the Afghan war. He should know, he is the manager of a BP garage and as such has insider knowledge

Glenn has been excluded from school, for calling Tony Blair a twat.

I must admit that the sight of Tracy's long legs in white stilettos stimulated my endocrine system, and I had to turn hurriedly towards the sink to hide my sexual excitement

There is a messianic quality about him. Alarmingly, he told me that he intends to start a new political party financed by the Princess Diana Fund.

Brett has written a 1,500-word article for the Independent, headed The Osama Bin Laden I Knew. He claims to have first met Bin Laden in the breakfast room of a boarding house in Blackpool.

Brett is still here. He claims that the events of September 11 have traumatised him and have rendered him incapable of using transport of any kind

My brother has published a volume of poetry, called Blow Out The Candle. The reviews were ecstatic. I hate him already

My father avoided the question by complaining about the sandwiches, calling them "poncy", and the tea, saying it was "as weak as a sailor's arsehole"

I am powerless to make my boys either happy or unhappy. External forces dictate their mood. Namely, sport.

I fear I am losing the battle to mould William's character to my own satisfaction. He's only six, but at his age Mozart was selling out concerts all over Europe

Today, I was a guest at my parents' third wedding. I was a four-month-old foetus when my mother first married my father.

The fondue party was held at Alan Clarke's thatched cottage in Frisby-On-The-Wreake - according to local gossip, a hotbed of paganism.

William, the ardent monarchist, made a birthday card for the Queen Mother this morning.

I allowed William to stay up late to watch the climax of Big Brother. I think it is important that small children be allowed to participate in events of national importance.

Archer has succeeded in bringing the country together in joy. After Henman, the Lions and England's dropped catches, we needed a glorious victory.

This morning I borrowed a toddler from the Ludlows next door and took it to Safeway's crèche, which is supervised by the most erotically intelligent woman alive on the planet earth, Mary-Lou Hattersley

William has put his small foot down and has refused to be deposited into Safeway's crèche twice a day at 8am and 4pm.