'I've been kidnapped by a taxi driver. He's trying to take me to a brothel'

'Maybe cucumber would help. Have you tried cucumber?'

After the recent social chaos and bad weather, it was a relief when the ice-cream van came around …

'Where we went was just, like, an old town. There was a Grade II building, but it was really like, really nice, but, it was a bit old. And shabby'

'I don't know. It's a tart, right? Or is it a torte?'

'If you need to go to the toilet I ain't moving. Where is the toilet?'

'Well you'd drink a bit at night, and then the next day the bottle would be full again'

'Wow. I don't know if that would even kill you. That could be like all pain, no gain'

'Mug of tea mate, tea in a mug ... I just want a mug of tea ... I just want what I want'

'I had a week of it, scuttling about, laughing at me. So I went to the pound shop and got some traps'

'I was there, watching Pixie Lott in the rain, and I just thought, I've had enough'

When the spirit breaks and it feels like a 99p cheeseburger is the only option, the risks you run are more than just nutritional …

'It's an air rifle, but it's a good 'un. Sight's phenomenal. Bloke next door heard the last fight and said, "Just give it some of this"'

'The hotel we had was amazing. So quiet – for India. All you could hear was one cow, and then only if you were in the bathroom'

'I can handle spiders if I can see them. I just don't like the idea that they might be there – nestling in my hair'

It could be the economy as a whole or the ever-rising price of a pint within it, but of late the bars seem to echo with talk of fiscal woe …

'She had a pathological fear of airports, which made me incandescent with rage. You've never seen me like that'

'I'd be very surprised if British intelligence didn't know about it. Very surprised. They'd have checked with them'

'I just thought: "Get that monkey off his head." That was the priority'

'Will Smith knows how to do it. A chicken breast here, an egg there'