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Ask Annalisa Barbieri

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions

5 July 2024

  • Illustration of a man and a woman with their arms folded.

    Our place is a mess, but my partner and I still can’t agree who does which chores

    The withholding of anything on purpose – sex, money, housework – is about control. Might your domestics reflect other underlying tensions?

28 June 2024

  • An illustration of a lady with her back facing us, sitting.

    I just found out who my real father is. What do I do now?

    DNA tests can reveal some huge hidden secrets. Take time to process your own feelings before coming to terms with your new family tree

21 June 2024

  • Mum Dad arguing with child stuck in the middle

    My working-class dad sent me to private school – now I feel that I’ve failed him

    You carry a huge burden of guilt, but it was your parents who failed you, not you them. Their damaging expectations meant you never felt loved for who you are

14 June 2024

  • An stylised illustration of two women arguing.

    My daughter rarely bathes and her room is smelly, but says she doesn’t care

    It may be a cry for help, or simple teenage rebellion. Either way, you need to find a new, less judgmental way to communicate

7 June 2024

  • illustration of man standing alone

    My daughter took her own life, and I can’t face talking to anyone about it

    Listening to people who have been through what you’re going through might help you to open up

31 May 2024

  • An illustration of a woman with her back facing us, arms folded.

    Why am I so afraid to accept that it’s time for me to retire?

    Taking a step into the unknown can be scary, but there are ways to feel part of something outside the world of workEvery week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader

24 May 2024

  • Sad couple-01

    I’m yearning for a third child to recreate the large, loving family I grew up in

    It’s obvious you feel grateful for what you have, but remember your experience is of having three siblings, not three children

17 May 2024

  • sad-01

    I’m happily remarried, but am haunted by my ex’s long-ago betrayal

    Your first husband robbed you of a lot, and you have some mourning to do. But there seems to be a part of you that thinks you don’t deserve happiness

10 May 2024

  • Worried-01

    I’m ignored when I try to chat to people. How can I improve my conversation skills?

    Fruitful exchanges require input from two people. Listen carefully to what others are saying and use feelings, rather than facts, to connect

26 April 2024

  • Unsympathetic - man woman illustration

    My brother bullied me, which has had a lifelong impact. Can I build bridges with him now?

    He is the one who should be saying sorry. There’s no miracle cure, but do consider therapy, and keep good people around you

19 April 2024

  • An illustration of a man with crossly folded arms, with a seated female figure in the background.

    My friend ranks his friendships in a league table – and it worries me

    You need to consider why this bothers you so much and if you should bring it up. Without asking directly, it’s hard to know his motivation

12 April 2024

  • Thoughts

    Should my partner and I share our love letters from previous relationships with our children?

    These missives are an opportunity for connection. If your children don’t want them, that’s up to them, but give them the choice

5 April 2024

  • Unsympathetic - woman man-01

    How can I stop my dad watching porn on his phone at home?

    He may be dealing with grief or depression, but whatever the cause, your dad needs help to reset his boundaries

29 March 2024

  • Man with scribbled thoughts illustration

    Living with my depressed husband is ripping me apart. What can I do?

    I have sympathy for him, but I’m concerned by the pressure on you. You deserve to be happy, and cannot do all the emotional work for both of you

22 March 2024

  • Friendship Breakdown - woman woman-01

    My friend copies things I say, wear and do, and watches my house. Is this stalking?

    You are right to feel uncomfortable, rather than flattered, by such extreme imitation. Short of cutting her off completely, there are ways to gradually disentangle yourself

15 March 2024

  • illustration of a lonely woman

    I’m finding it hard to accept that I may never have a daughter

    Try not to dwell on what you feel is missing, but instead focus on the positive relationships and values you can nurture with your sons
    • Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader

8 March 2024

  • angry woman woman woman-01

    I want to celebrate my 50th – but my friends can’t stand each other

    A milestone birthday is an excellent opportunity to have lots of gatherings throughout the year, with groups of people who do get on

1 March 2024

  • unsympathetic woman illustration

    My sister-in-law has treated her family terribly. I avoid her but still feel bad about it

    It’s not up to you to fix this, but it might be worth asking her what’s going on

23 February 2024

  • Friendship Breakdown

    My best friend and I disagreed over talking about sex – now she’s no longer speaking to me

    It sounds as if there might be something else at play here. Either way, I’d think seriously about whether you actually want the friendship to continue

16 February 2024

  • sad-01

    How can I overcome the fear that my depression makes me a bad parent?

    Like all mothers who worry about ‘passing something on’, your thoughtfulness and awareness will help make a difference
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