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Leading questions

An advice column from philosopher Eleanor Gordon-Smith, taking an inquisitive approach to life's puzzles and grey areas

  • 19th century painting of a woman looking tired and downcast, and putting her head in her hands, sitting on a bed.

    My adult son has moved back home and is behaving like a teenager – and I’m deeply unhappy

    You can be silent or have a confrontation – and both options sound awful, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But now is the time to switch abstract wishes for a concrete plan
  • 16th century painting of a woman being embraced by a man, while another man lurks in the background.

    My long-term partner says he wants an open relationship. I understand why, but it feels one-sided. What should we do?

    One question to ask is how this arrangement might feel for you, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Whatever you decide, it’s important not to constantly feel like this is an open question
  • Painting: Politics in an Oyster House by Richard Caton Woodville

    How people vote affects my life and relationships – how do I explain that to my apolitical friend?

    It would be weird to associate only with those who agree with us, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But we do eventually have to take responsibility for life’s editorial decisions
  • A figure holding a light while another cringes behind prison bars

    I feel despair about the state of the world. How can I find the courage to not abandon hope?

    Hope is something we choose – and sustain for the sake of others, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Seek out others who are looking for reasons to keep going
  • Painting: Mother, Daughter and Granddaughter Knitting by Georg Nicolai Achen

    My daughter visits daily since her partner left her. How can I reclaim my space without offending her?

    It’s a testament to your parenting that your daughter feels she can hide with you, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. While time helps to heal, seek out ways to share the load
  • Neighbours talk over a wall

    Our neighbours never return my son’s ball when it goes over the hedge. How can I get it back without conflict?

    Your neighbours may see the matter as disrespect in projectile form, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. An apology, a request and a direct conversation is better than petty revenge
  • A 19th-century painting of a man between two women

    My husband loves me but clearly fancies a woman at work. How can I manage my jealousy?

    His crush is not an appraisal of you, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. While this woman presents novelty, you have a shared history, a home and a union
  • Painting: John Johnstone, Betty Johnstone and Miss Wedderburn by Sir Henry Raeburn.

    My conservative parents won’t allow me to study abroad. How can I convince them I’ll be safe?

    It might help to understand the source of their fears, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Start by treating their feelings with the same regard you want for yours
  • Munkacsy Mihaly - in the Kitchen 1 - Hungarian School - 19th Century<br>Munkacsy Mihaly - in the Kitchen 1 - Hungarian School - 19th Century

    My housemates leave dirty dishes lying around for days. How can I let go of my irritation?

    Sometimes anger only goes away once we let it boil, advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith writes. Start by exploring private and fun ways to release your frustration
  • Old Woman and Child Reading a Book by Richard Caton Woodville

    I’m moving overseas to study and my mum wants to track my phone. How do I push back?

    Acceding to her request doesn’t do your relationship any favours, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Take this as an opportunity to develop the relationship as two adults
  • Painting: Au café, dit l’Absinthe by Jean Beraud.

    My wife has put on weight and I’m no longer attracted to her. What should I do?

    It’s one thing to struggle with finding your partner attractive, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. It’s another to feel contempt for them
  • An antique painting of a bride with her hands covering her face, with family members standing behind her

    I’m getting married but my father isn’t invited. How can I ensure he doesn’t crash the wedding?

    You can’t cordon off every weird dynamic on the big day, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But you can be clear you won’t accept trespasses without consequence
  • Painting: An Old Woman Cooking Eggs (1618) by Diego Rodríguez de Silva y Velázquez

    My mother spends her days serving a ‘holy man’. How can I make her see he is not a positive force?

    You risk alienating your mother by opposing her views and choices, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. If she’s at risk of exploitation, professionals can help
  • Painting: Visit to a New Mother (1835) by Moritz Calisch.

    My mother-in-law pushes to spend more time with our baby. How can I keep her at arm’s length?

    She may not realise the effect she’s having on you, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Try to be clear with her about what would help
  • Painting: Anthony van Dyck Wooing his Model (1827) by Gustaaf Wappers.

    My partner concealed he had more than one ex-wife. Should I be nervous about our future?

    This omission demonstrates a troubling facility with concealment, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. To move forward, you need to be satisfied there are no more big surprises
  • Painting: On the Thames, A Heron by Jacques Joseph Tissot.

    My close friend is a therapist but all she does is complain. Should I exit this relationship?

    There may be ways to protect yourself from her negativity without jettisoning the relationship, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Start by creating boundaries
  • Painting: The Licentious Kitchen Maid by Pieter Gerritsz van Roestraten.

    I told a friend about my husband’s poor finances and now he secretly mocks him. What should I do?

    It’s a shame your friend has started making jokes like this, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But there’s a way to put a stop to this dynamic
  • Painting: The Fruit and Vegetable Costermonger by Louise Moillon.

    I’m desperately unhappy with my job, but my boss relies on me. Should I quit?

    We often wind up with feelings of obligation towards our work, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But ask yourself: would your employer think the same?
  • detail of Narcissus and Echo in The Empire of Flora by Nicolas Poussin.

    My boyfriend’s behaviour is making me second-guess everything. What should I do?

    An accurate gut feeling can be hard to distinguish from overreaction, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But there’s probably a good reason you feel this way
  • Carl Kahler My Wife's Lovers<br>Carl Kahler – My Wife's Lovers

    My lifelong dream has been to rescue cats. My partner is allergic – what do I do?

    We want our loved ones to cherish our dreams, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, it’s understandable you want this one taken into account
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