I met 150-year-olds whose longevity can only be explained by the healing power of locally harvested lard

I’d love to pay, but it’s ask for an upgrade or spend the flight in agony, I’m worried my groans would disturb the other passengers

With respect, if I could just speak, my point is this, you’re asking us to trust you as a politician

Don’t worry mate, what goes on a stag do stays on a stag do and I’m not just talking about your boxers

You know I’m not even sure mothers’ races set a good example for kids, all the coming first and body shaming that goes on?

Yes I am complaining. See, you just have to take control. I don’t care if it’s embarrassing, that’s what they depend on, people being too shy to make a fuss

We were only just thinking it might be a good time when, bam, the stick goes blue. Here, I’ll show you… no?

Do you know that Prince Philip was actually a total feminist, supporting his wife, and apparently he’s brilliantly clever, and so good-looking

I just think OK, anything that stops the Tories wrecking the NHS, it’s got to be Progressive Alliance, so that’s Labour for me, but then you’re back to Corbyn...

Why would you go abroad, with all the awful flights and nightmare early starts, just so you can lie in the sun on white sand next to warm, clear blue sea?

These scratches? Oh just Tiddles going off on one, they’ll soon heal, I think he was hungry

Here’s my hellebores in an enamel jug, eight likes, well it was late

After just a week on his emergency Kwaknite Sleepclenze, my energy levels were incredible, my skin looked brighter and tauter

Slow down darlings, I think the kind gallery man thinks you’re going to spill your drinks on the nude with poppies

We’ll lose an hour’s sleep this weekend, that’s a whole day of sleep every quarter-century!

I spoke to them about the owls: nothing they can do, apparently, even though it’s not cheap

We played blindfold British bulldog until someone’s nose hit a branch, hilarious, blood everywhere, then we had to do squat jumps until the ambulance came

Of course normally you’d age the wagyu steak for 48 hours to concentrate the flavour, and it had only done 24 but we thought what the hell

I’ve gone for a spaceship-style sleeping capsule made of plywood, which I’m going to cover with tin foil I sourced in Lidl

What’s Mo Farah got one for? For what? I can run, we can all run, but it’s all Sir Mo this, Sir Mo that, did he ever hold a poorly kiddie?