Two hours of loafing and you still get paid - being an understudy is a great job. Until you're asked to go on stage.

Michael Simkins: Recently I have been wondering whether to ditch my make-up box. It is a large plastic contraption, the sort of thing a plumber would turn up with to fix a radiator, and its interior compartments are a museum of my early years in the business.

Michael Simkins: I had less than a minute to change into a full suit of armour. It would have been fine - but for the moustache.

No matter how hard I worked, the director never looked up from his lunch. How could I compete with a pizza?

Barry adored acting and had played everything from Father Christmas to Othello. So why was he packing it in?

I was playing a noble lord, a sea captain and a doctor in a single evening. Each character had just one short, simple line. So why couldn't I get it right?

How John Malkovich helped me through the misery of being on stage during a World Cup penalty shoot-out.

We were filming Heidi and the co-star was name-dropping. Did he really know Lauren Bacall and Bobby Kennedy?

'Prime chunks of tender chicken, juicy kidney, all in a thick, thick gravy'... Why don't I get lines like that?

I knew Anthony Perkins had a lot to teach me. But I didn't expect a crash course in the proper use of cutlery.

Could I ride a horse, the director asked. If I said no, I'd lose the job. If I said yes, I might actually have to do it.

They asked for a Devon accent. That's what I gave them. But what they really wanted was the Wurzels.

Jimmy Edwards ripped up the script and climbed into the royal box. Was this really how to keep a long run fresh?

A neckerchief, fawn slacks, a gin and tonic and a pair of scissors... ah, now I'm ready to murder my wife.

It was my shot at the big bucks: I was to play a severed head alongside Rik Mayall. What could possibly go wrong?

The greatest dramas are played out in a Soho tea room, between the cream cakes and custard pies.

A friend wants to quit acting. She is 26 and sick of sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. Then the phone rings...

I have finally accepted that I will never play Bond. But I would still make a world-class simpering fop.