Emma Caulfield Ford never wanted to tell anyone. Most friends and family didn’t know. Certainly, no one she worked with was aware. The actor, best known for playing Anya, the demon with a heart of gold, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dottie, one of the trapped townsfolk on WandaVision, kept her health struggle a secret for more than a decade: She has multiple sclerosis, she tells Vanity Fair. 

It first flared up following a particularly traumatic time in her life in 2010, but in the years since she has sometimes even hidden it from herself, wondering in times of good health whether she had been misdiagnosed. Numerous MRI tests helped confirm that Caufield Ford does indeed have MS. 

She has worked steadily, but feared her illness might cost her jobs if people in the industry found out. In 2017, she married actor Mark Leslie Ford, and they have a now 6-year-old daughter. The actor, now 49, is going public in part because she doesn’t want to hide her MS from her little girl.

Caulfield Ford also recognizes that it’s too risky to keep it from her colleagues, without potentially worsening her condition while on the job. A self-avowed geek, Caulfield Ford joined the Marvel Cinematic Universe in WandaVision as Dottie, playing one of the innocent neighbors swept up in the sitcom spell of the Scarlet Witch. But shooting the series in the blistering heat of Los Angeles stressed her system and exacerbated her symptoms. 

Soon, Caulfield Ford will reprise the role in the upcoming spin-off series Agatha: Coven of Chaos, starring Kathryn Hahn as the centuries-old charismatic spell-caster who posed as a busybody best friend in the earlier show. 

In a wide-ranging conversation with Vanity Fair, Caulfield Ford tells the story of how she found out, how she kept it hidden, and why she finally decided to go public. She also revisited Buffy the Vampire Slayer, sharing thoughts about how she hopes fans regard the show today in light of the accusations and criticisms that have emerged around creator Joss Whedon. (Whedon has denied the allegations of toxic behavior made by a number of actors on the show.)

Vanity Fair: How do you want to talk about this? What do you want to say publicly?

Emma Caulfield Ford: Once upon a time, I had zero health problems…. Back in 2010, I was working on [executive producer] Marti Noxon’s Gigantic, and prior to starting that job, I woke up one morning and the left side of my face felt like there were a million ants crawling on it. That feeling when you’ve sat in a position too long?

Pins and needles.

Yeah. The feeling’s gone and it’s coming back like a rush of blood. Then it just sort of went, I wouldn’t say completely numb, because I could still scratch it and feel my nails. But it was extremely dull. I went to my acupuncturist, and he was like, “I don’t know, man. Maybe you have Bell’s palsy?”

You could still move all your muscles?

I was moving everything. It was just constantly itching. I would take a needle [and do] a little pain test just to see…. There was clearly a lack of feeling. [The acupuncturist] was like, “You might want to go get an MRI. You might as well make sure. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Even when I was with the neurologist, he was like, “Yeah, it sounds like Bell’s palsy, honestly. You’ve been under a lot of stress.” That was literally the year of hell for me. There was so much going on. Really bad personal life stuff. So I said, yeah, that’s probably it.

Did you get the MRI results right away?

So I go to work and I'm shooting a scene. I remember I had this amazing Hervé Léger dress and it was just fantastic. And I looked…extra. The character was a bit extra as well. My hair was really curled and I was in three and a half inch stilettos. I was like, “I’m feeling myself right now.” I had a missed call from the doctor’s office, so I called back. I’m just like, “What’s up?” I had five minutes down or whatever. And he was like: “You have MS.” Just like that. It was like an out-of-body experience. I’m like, “No, that’s not possible.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” He was very matter of fact about it. “Well, you can get a second opinion…” It was literally a kind of nightmare…. It turns out it was something major. Then I was like, “I’ve got to go to work now.” What do I do?

Did you know much about MS then?

My father had MS. Rest in peace, my beautiful father.

Had he passed away by that point?

No, he was very much alive at that point. He did not die from MS. That’s a different story.

But he had it and was affected by it.

Yeah, MS has been around in my sphere for a very, very long time…. I knew enough to be like, “Oh, my God.” I’m trying to keep my shit together and I’ve got to go back to work. So that was my first experience of keeping everything really quiet and showing up and just doing my job.

Did you tell people you knew?

I told nobody. I immediately called some friends and I was like, “This is what’s going on. I’m at work. I can’t even function. I’m trying to just keep myself together.”… I was like, “Am I dying? How bad? What’s happening?” I was so overwhelmed and pretty hysterical. The process was more tests, getting a different opinion. There were all these factors being taken in, like the fact that I had had viral meningitis when I was a baby. My parents were told, “She’s not going to make it through the night. She’s dying. You’re going to have to say goodbye.” And I didn’t—obviously—die. I was like, “Nope, not today, Satan! I’m not going. I’ve got some work to do.”

[Laughs] Like Satan was coming for a baby?

Satan comes for everyone.

Why was the viral meningitis from so long ago a concern?

When they looked at these [brain] lesions on the MRI, they’re like, “These are very old. We can’t tell you how old they are. You’ve had it for a while, and it’s been dormant in your body.” I’d read that meningitis can leave scars and damage, like plaques in your brain. They said, “Well, yes. It could.” So I’m like, “Could these not be from before?” There were a lot of inconsistencies to the point where everyone around me was kind of like, “Basically, we think [MS] is our best guess.”

What did the treatments do? Did they slow down the progression?

At the time, the drug of choice was Betaseron, which were injections. Everyone around me said: “This just feels wrong. You were fine. You seemed fine.” I’m like, “I’m just going to take the medicine”—again, thinking of my father.

Does stress worsen the MS?

Stress is not great for people with MS. The whole thing centers around your nervous system, so anything that keeps your nervous system calm is better in general. That’s how it works. Good stress is my daughter.

You like work, right? So that’s “good” stress?

I love work. I don’t like not working. I’ve always been kind of a worker bee. I thrive in that.

You said the MS first flared up during a rough personal time for you.

There were a lot of things happening. A succession of just, You’ve got to be kidding me. I was under a tremendous amount of stress. So could it have been the thing that triggered it? Or had it been there before, but it was exacerbated by the stress? There’s no way of knowing any of that.

Did things get better then?

At the very end of 2010—which was a hellscape—it ended up being this very restorative, happy time. It ended on a really positive note. And then [Life Unexpected] got canceled and it was like, “Well, what do I do now?”… I met my now husband in 2011. Around the time when I got the second MRI, I was like, “I’m not going to live my life like I have something horrible. I’m going to do what I need to do to take care of myself. But I’m not going to live in fear.”

Did the medication have side effects?

You flush a lot. Most times the flushing does go away, but it never went away with me and it was really uncomfortable. Traveling with it was difficult. And I was always worried: “Have I timed the flush out enough to where when I’m on set working, they’re not going to go, ‘What’s happening with you?’”

So you could see it on camera? You’d be red?

Physically red and blotchy all over. And get really hot. It’s basically an allergic reaction…. I have an actual allergic reaction to WD-40. I will get a welt. So I was like, “Is there WD-40 around here? Because I am very allergic.”… I didn’t want to give anyone the opportunity to not hire me. There are already plenty of reasons to not hire people, reasons most actors don’t even know. “You look like my ex-girlfriend.” Who knows? “You’re too short. You’re too tall. You look mean. You look too nice. You don’t have the right color eyes.” I knew in my bones that if you talk about this, you’re just going to stop working. That’s it. And no one had been really vocal…. The only reference points I had for anybody who was out there were Montel Williams and Annette Funicello from The Mickey Mouse Club. She was out there, and it was almost like a cautionary tale.

She had an especially severe case of it.

It was terrifying to see that and to watch my dad lose mobility over the years. He was still fine, happy, and his brain worked. But he was physically changed by it.

Apart from emotional stress, what else worsens it for you?

The heat every summer has been progressively worse. I have lived in LA for most of my adult life now. And I don’t understand climate deniers. It’s like, just stop talking. Heat is awful for people with MS…. You’re just moving along just fine. And everything starts to feel like you are in tar.

Like a fatigue?

It’s like, “I don’t want to keep going right now.” I just need to sit down. Like heat exhaustion. [My body] works that much harder to cool me. It’s a major stress on the body. It’s dangerous for everybody to be in that kind of heat. It’s just harder on someone with MS.

Has MS impacted your ability to work? Being an actor can be physically demanding.

I worked all through it. I’ve worked through it every single time I felt tired…. I shot WandaVision in that heat. We had started shooting in Atlanta and then the pandemic happened. Everything got shut down. We were never supposed to be shooting any of these outdoor, big costume scenes [in late summer]. All that was supposed to happen in spring, but it didn’t. It got pushed. The show shut down. We picked back up again in late August [2020] here in LA.

When you returned, were you also worried about vulnerability to COVID too?

I was taking precautions like everybody else was. I wore the mask. There’s nothing else I can really do. I have to work. I want to work.

Everything was fine. But the heat was unbearable. And I was feeling every inch of that. I got really weak. I just went into survival mode and I remember having to be outside…. It was just unfortunate timing really. But I was very, very uncomfortable and no one knew. I said nothing. And I paid the price for that.

What happened?

When I was done with that, I just did not feel well. It took me a few days of being still [to recover]. I was like, “I need to replenish my energy right now. I expelled too much.” I was physically trying to keep myself looking and feeling normal when I was [on camera]. Everyone was melting, but it is exponentially worse for someone with this. It becomes like, “Oh, God, am I suddenly going to go limp?” I knew I looked quite miserable—to the point where our poor director was like, “How are you doing? I know this is not very glamorous to be sitting out here.” I’m like, “Oh great. Now he thinks I’m one of those high-maintenance actors who’s miserable." I don’t know if he thought that, but I was concerned. I’m like, “No, it’s good! It’s just hot. I’m good! I’m good!”

That’s what you said out loud. What was going through your mind internally?

Just shut up. Just do your job. This is the first time you’re working with Marvel. This is a big fucking deal. Do not bring attention to yourself. I have to nail the job. I have to be great. Be memorable. Don’t let down my friend [showrunner] Jac Schaeffer.

Did Jac know then?

No. Jac knows now. I told her. I started to tell people close to me like, “Hey, this is something that’s going to come out. You should know what’s up.”

I assume you had already told your family, right?

No, I didn’t even tell my sister. I told no one.

Did your parents know?

My parents knew. Obviously my husband knew. I kept it very quiet, even with my friends who were first with me, [I said,] “Hey, guys. No, I think it’s a misdiagnosis.”

You’re reprising your role from WandaVision for the new show Agatha: Coven of Chaos, which Schaeffer is overseeing. Is that why you told her?

I am going back to work! Everyone has been notified that needs to be notified. I can’t put myself through what I did with WandaVision again. I can’t do that. They did nothing wrong…. They had no idea what was going on with me. They didn’t ask anything of me that was like, “I need to call my agent!” They’re asking me to just sit and chat and do my dialogue. It’s not hard.

[I told them now] knowing that I shouldn’t be out in this heat at all. And if I am, I need to be taking way more precautions than I am.

Why else did you decide to go public with your MS?

I’m so tired of not being honest. And beyond that, my daughter has changed my perspective, as I think anybody who is a parent can attest. I know that she has a 30% greater chance of coming down with this, just luck of the draw for her. She’s six. She’s just started first grade…. It got me thinking about her and how full of joy and active she is, and she’s just such a remarkable little creature.

I’m not actually doing everything I can for her because I have my mouth shut. If I have a platform at all, I should be using it. Even if it affects my ability to get work…. It’s better for me to at least be vocal about this and be out there to try to help the MS Foundation and other groups who are doing research.

What are your fears about coming forward?

That people would be like, “Fuck you. Who are you to come out? Are you doing it because Selma Blair came out? Are you just wanting to try to copy somebody?” Anybody who honestly thinks that, I think they have real problems. [Sarcastically] It’s like, “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I am faking a disease because I’m that messed up in the head” or “Yeah, I’m risking the chance—very decent chance—of not working because I want to be like Selma Blair.”

When Selma Blair went public with her diagnosis, did that motivate you at all to—not imitate her, but feel confident you could come out too?

I think she’s inspiring. I've always heard nothing but great things about her. I remember she was walking out of an audition and I was walking into the same audition, years and years and years ago. I clocked her coming my way, and I was like, “Oh, fuck, that’s Selma Blair. I have no chance in hell. She’s getting the part.” She’s very close with my friend Sarah. You know Sarah?

Sarah Michelle Gellar? They were in Cruel Intentions together.

Saying “Sarah,” it’s like saying “Cher.” I feel like everyone just goes, “Oh, Sarah—right.”

What was it like telling the people you work with, like Jac Schaeffer?

I fully cried. It was on the phone. I’m tearing up thinking about that now because I value this person so much. She was beyond supportive and so kind. Just like, “We’ve got you. There’s nothing to worry about. You are loved, supported, you’re amazing. Take the stress off of wanting to do a good job and not wanting to be difficult and not wanting to cause problems. Just take it and dump it. Don’t let that be a factor.”

What can the show do to help?

Well, there are precautions to take. I just didn't take them [to avoid] drawing attention to what was going on. If people had known, I could have had a little cooling suit underneath my top and kept my core cool…. I don’t want special treatment from anybody. I never asked for it. I don’t expect it.

When you reached out to her, did she have any clue what you were calling about?

I think the first words out of my mouth were, “No, I’m not pregnant. No, I’m not quitting. No, I don’t want more money. We’re cool. There’s just something I need to tell you. So it turns out that I have MS, and surprise!” I defused it with some kind of humor. “I’m okay. I’m okay to shoot. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay. Don’t panic. I have to tell you because I’ll have to let you know if something comes up where I’m like, I don’t feel right.” I don’t expect it to unless I’m in high, high heat. But I’ve passed on going out for jobs because of where it’s going to shoot and how hot it’s going to be.

I think people will wonder now: How are you feeling on average?

I’m okay right now. It’s a weird thing to say when you’re given a diagnosis like that, but truthfully, my attitude is not crumbling under the fear of “what if” or “what can,” or “what has” for other people. I just have to keep going.

Do you have much of a direct relationship with fans? I know you’re a big sci-fi fan, right?

I love sci-fi.

Do you expect this to change that relationship with them, those people who know you and love you from Buffy or other shows?

I don’t know what to expect. I would suspect that they would have questions. There’s a very good chance that I know more people than I do who have it. It’s undiagnosed in a lot of people. People can have this for a long time and not know it.

How do you feel about the idea of people looking to you as a role model because of this?

Oh, God, please don’t make me a role model.

Or an inspiration of sorts…

If me talking about this offers some solace or encouragement to somebody who has it, that’s so great…. I don't own this condition. My experience is simply my own. I could never tell anybody else what to do if they have MS. I’m not an expert, I’m not a doctor. I am just me. This is how it feels for me. 

What’s your relationship with and feeling about Buffy the Vampire Slayer these days?

I don’t have a feeling about it. I mean, it was a job.

It was such a big part of your career and life.

Yeah, it was. It helped me buy my first home. I made some lifelong friends there. I got to play someone super ridiculous, which was really fun. It allowed me to discover that I could be funny. I mean, not dry Emma sarcasm, but actually get a line and go, “All right, I’m going to tweak it to this,” make it something completely weird that makes people laugh. That was something very fun for me to realize that I could do. I think I’ve honed that skill pretty well at this point. All the stuff with Joss and all those revelations? Like, yeah, we all knew that. It’s like, “Oh, that’s out now? Great. Phew.”

Does that complicate your feelings about the show?

Not at all. Everything about what worked about that show worked. It’s in the vault. You can’t go back and look at it and go, “Well, fuck that show because of Joss.” Why? I don’t want to waste my time right now talking about Joss Whedon. I have spent so long talking about that man and I do not wish to continue to talk about him.

All good. That’s totally fine.

Let him go be him somewhere else. I’ve taken everything great from that time of my life.

Thanks for answering my question. I asked because I think people aren’t sure. “Am I supposed to still like this? Can I still like this?”

Of course you’re supposed to still like it! Canceling a show because of someone’s bad behavior is an insult to everybody who worked tirelessly on it. It’s an insult to the talented people. It’s an insult to all the sacrifices that people made being away from their families for long hours, to the crew who got no sleep, to all the joy that it brings people still. New people every day are new fans of that show.

I’m sure if you held a spy glass up to, my daughter calls them spy glasses. My British husband does this as well. Sorry, that sounds super pretentious. Magnifying glass—if you put that up against really anybody at any point, you’re going to find things that are unpleasant, but that’s just human. It’s a wonderful show, it will always be a wonderful show. Enjoy it.

I think it’d be quite different if Joss was the main character on the show and now you’re like, oh, I just have a hard time watching him. I could see that. But no, though his imprint is all over that show, his imprint is on it in the most positive of ways. Things that made that show good are still good. And whatever he may be personally, his actual ability to create stories was great. It’s still good. I don’t know. That’s just my opinion.

So you’ll be returning as Dottie in Agatha: Coven of Chaos soon…

That is super fun. There’s a couple of things actually. There’s another thing which I also can’t really say.

Secret projects on the horizon.

Yes, the imminent horizon…. In regards to MS, I will be continuing to talk about this. This is not a one-time thing. It’s not like this is my full story and there is now a picture of me next to MS in the dictionary. Or, “Emma can only talk about this…” Now that I’m open about this, I can more readily promote things that the MS Society is doing instead of just giving money. This is just what speaks to me right now.

You mentioned your father, and watching how he dealt with MS. What do you hope your daughter notices or remembers about you from this time when she’s much older?

It’s been so hard as we all are living through this right now. I would say over the past few weeks— "Ugh, Mommy just needs to lay down and put an ice pack on my forehead.” Sometimes without even thinking about it, she’ll go and grab me an ice pack. I’m like, “Bless you.” Mark and I have talked about that. Do we tell her what’s going on? 

Just recently, I sat and talked with her and I said, “So, babe, you know how you’re getting me ice packs to cool me down because it’s so hot? Or how mom’s back sometimes is tight and whatever? Mommy’s fine. But you should know.” Her perfect six-year-old self said: “I know just what you need.” She’s like, “You just need more candy.” [Laughs.] That’s the level of understanding—and it's just fine with me.

I hope she just sees me as someone she can look up to…. I hope she sees that I’ve done my best and when push comes to shove, I showed up. I hope she’s just ultimately proud. That’s it. Hopefully she’s proud of me.

This interview was edited and condensed for context and clarity.