It should be mentioned, right off the bat, that I am not a fan of RTS games. And yet, this game just managed to captivate me with its artstyle, its humor, and its "easy to learn, hard to master" gameplay. I can easily give this game a recommendation, although I can advise waiting for a sale if you're on the fence. I'll be honest, it's bare-bones as of now. If you've been following the game for awhile, however well chances are you preordered it a long time ago it's worth the price tag.


This is, as I just said, a Real Time Strategy game. However, Pocketwatch opted to have the player take a more active approach to commanding an entire legion of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ forest animals. Instead of clicking on units to select them and tell them to go butcher these poor unlucky bastards standing over here, your cursor is an actual character. That is to say, each of the four factions you can play as has a Commander unit, directly controlled by the player. And instead of clicking on units, you rally units to your Commander, who will automatically tell everyone around them to lay down the firepower to turn your enemies into fuzzy little pancakes. Provided you actually have a decent number of people to follow you into battle, of course.


I'm assuming the majority of people who bought this didn't come to play through some stupid Anton Chekhov novel about a black-humor Russian Revolution spiked with cannibalism (unless you're a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ lunatic, like me), and instead came to this game hoping to jump online and humiliate their opponents by bum-rushing them with ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ moles and drunken squirrels of all things.

The gameplay can be broken down as follows: you and your opponent(s) will start on a randomly-generated map. You each have a Gristmill to your name. Said mill has 8 farms encircling it. These farms are worked by Swine (or Fat Boris, as they have also been referred to in some circles). The Swine will churn out Food, which is your building resource. Food is used in three ways: to expand to a new Gristmill, to place down Warrens/Defenses, and to recruit new units.

Now, after about five minutes, your farms will go barren, and will not produce any more Food, at which point, you'll have to start a new farm to keep production going and your army fed (if you don't, you'll starve, resulting in a loss). This, of course, is a problem, because as previously mentioned, your army units have two costs: one to build their "bunkers" so to speak, and one to actually ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ use them. The more bunkers you build, the more units of that type you can bring in, but that also means the more Food you'll spend on recruitment. It's a brilliant way to keep the game flowing.

Oh, and your opponents will be very well aware of these rules, and they will hunt you down with a vengeance that would strike Ghost Rider with awe. Yes, even the A.I. in offline battles. I have no shame in admitting that the Medium difficulty A.I. gave me a run for my money.


I may have just compared this game to a "stupid Anton Chekhov novel about a black-humor Russian Revolution spiked with cannibalism," but I gotta be honest here, I [l]love[/l] the story and the lore behind it.

To summarize: the plot kicks off because of the Civilized faction calling for a Harvest. A "Harvest" is basically the lottery, except if you win, you don't get money, you get eaten. And the Civilized just so happened to pick the son of wealthy aristocratic boxer, Arroyo Bellafide (or "Bellafide Arroyo...?" idk, man, naming conventions aren't made clear at all). Bellafide was, naturally, absolutely ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ livid a bit upset, so he decided the best course of action was to annihilate the ruling clergy and their militant backers, in order to instate a democracy...and vote to see who becomes a snack. As one does.

I have completed about 50% of the main story, and for all you perfectionists out there, each and every mission out of the 24 available has a "Heroic" option that gives you an extra objective to complete. On top of that, you play as each Commander in order (Longcoats -> Commonfolk -> KSR -> Civilized), and between missions you can walk around a central "hub" to access each mission and interact with objects to learn little lore bits and game-world trivia (and I am a slut for lore and game-world trivia).

I should note two important things: 1) each mission is unique in the fact that it doesn't use multiplayer rules. One mission has you defending dockyards with nothing but Bullet Hives, while another forces you to inch your way forward across a desert because if you don't stay in areas you control, the burning sand tears your health away. On top of that, each mission has preset units you must use for that mission. You cannot pick and choose what you want to bring in. Normally, I wouldn't consider this a problem except if it weren't for...

2) The ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ difficulty spikes.

Once you get to play as the Commonfolk, the game stops holding your hand and starts ramping the ♥♥♥♥ up. Hell, three missions in, I was second guessing my chances to succeed at my next objective. And that's also why I'm only 50% done with the main story, because the first ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mission you get from the KSR forces you to use only revolver-squirrels, highly innaccurate ferret artillery and skunks shooting canisters of their farts, and barbed wire. And the Heroic objective is to never build any Warrens. "lmao, you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ skrub, git gud. Why is this a problem?" you ask me?

Because your facist furry ass is stuck on a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ icy mountaintop. You and your meatshields will freeze to death if you aren't in range of your farms. Said farms also only contain 2-3 units of either squirrels, ferrets, or skunks, so it's a double ♥♥♥♥♥ slap in the face of Heroic chasers. Is it impossible? Apparently not, because someone already beat the damn campaign; I saw that thread on the Discussion forum. But sweet spicy black Jesus, I wanted to punch my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ laptop when I lost with 1,953 out of the 2,000 Food I needed to win. ♥♥♥♥, I'm still salty.


Overall, I am pleased with my purchase of this game. Despite its one or two hiccups, I think it's got the potential to sell very well if it gets more exposure. Hell, I predict that in 10-20 years, this'll be a cult classic of sorts. Maybe not as beloved and well known as say, Grim Fandango, but I bet you my left asscheek there will be people swearing by it like it's the Holy Bible.


/end wall_of_text