Last Week On Twitter Was Absolute Chaos, So Here Are 54 Tweets To Make You Laugh Out Loud

Cop who arrested Justin Timberlake reportedly didn't know who he was:

“Justin said under his breath, ‘This is going to ruin the tour.’ The cop replied, ‘What tour?’ Justin said, ‘The world tour.’” pic.twitter.com/k27b9MQ83n

— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) June 19, 2024

Believe in yourself like visitors who believe they can pet a bison.

— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) June 17, 2024

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh fuck, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

— Nicholas Mullan (@NicholasMullan_) June 17, 2024

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

— Caitlin Canahai (@caitlincanahey) June 21, 2024

Shoutout to the guy who just walked into the apartment gym, made a beeline for the weight bench, picked a wedding band up off the ground next to it, breathed a heavy sigh of relief, then immediately left

— Karen, Esq. (@comradeflirty) June 19, 2024

being a vampire must be kinda boring cause blood everyday? forever? what if you want something crunchy

— lamevampire 🦇 iwtv spoilers (@localloservamp) June 17, 2024

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) June 21, 2024

why is this the most high quality mug shot ever lmao they said get the Nikon out we're getting this mf in 4K https://t.co/36ROq06tng

— manny (@mannyfidel) June 18, 2024

Saying "this is going to ruin the tour" after every minor inconvenience I have from now on https://t.co/wmRwdwdjFA

— rev (@whyrev) June 19, 2024

“This is going to ruin the tour,” I whisper when my PTO request gets denied

— Danielle Sepulveres 🌻 (@ellesep) June 19, 2024

this is going to ruin the tour https://t.co/mnZQflxA7p

— music struggles & wins (@musicstruggles1) June 20, 2024

I never understand when celebrities (the rich) get DUIs. Do you not have Uber money? Baby, you are famous, hitchhike if you have to!

— Kyla Jenée Lacey (@Kyla_Lacey) June 18, 2024

this jailbird paid me 1k to get his name tatted and i went right on esty for $10😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/X3dng4ivos

— MB (@_brincess1) June 21, 2024

Asking what happened when I actually already know every detail from my network of rats pic.twitter.com/qQS5E71qmg

— Ana Mostarac (@anammostarac) June 24, 2024

Rapunzel if she had twitter https://t.co/QaBwTTuhwr

— rheya ᯓ 🍉 (@amitheonlyone_n) June 21, 2024

Snap and Crackle after visiting the hospital https://t.co/LOjMyZGfN3

— James Topham (@JamesTophamWord) June 21, 2024

midwesterners giving ginger ale to children with the flu: https://t.co/KAQfeU2mxb

— jush (@bohrmagnezone) June 21, 2024

Just stood at the gate to the park and shouted PIZZA like I’m their mum 😂

— ⓟⓞⓟⓢ (@Pops__o) June 22, 2024

Nah im high as shit pic.twitter.com/dqunmUrNVS

— ʰ (@easterngoblin) June 19, 2024

thought my ass was grass pic.twitter.com/dByAOqy5Xp

— ᴜᴢᴀʏ 🪽 (@sosauzay) June 19, 2024

ihad a dream i was at the club & this girl said “hey girl you don’t look nothing like your pictures on social media” i said what ??? and ran to the bathroom, i looked in the mirror why tf i was Steve Harvey 😭😭😭😭i ran out the club so fast crying😭

— RAYSOWAVYY 🌊 (@shehawaiin) June 23, 2024

jesus christ google yes you can have my location. i’m literally just checking the spelling of a word but by all means, sure, know exactly where I am. freak

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 21, 2024

My baby had just learned to crawl & was SO PROUD for approximately 5 seconds. Then she looked around the room, intensely at every person & noticed she was the only one crawling. Her face got stormy. She sat for an hour studying. Watching. And got up & walked. Spite works wonders https://t.co/fJ8NCU4559

— 🌈Dr. Frizzle (@Swilua) June 18, 2024

Just got invited to my friends 3rd baby shower omg girl use your butt!!!

— GW (@G_wuapbaby) June 18, 2024

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today.

— Nikki Savoy ✨is ON SUBMISSION✨ (@IAmNikkiSavoy) June 19, 2024

Yesterday my husband sat in the kitchen working on his laptop as I made a pasta salad. Then he rode in the car to my parents' house with me and the pasta salad. Then he walked into the house with me and the pasta salad. When it came time to eat, he asked who made the pasta salad.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 18, 2024

new jersey is so beautiful pic.twitter.com/PxgBMRWYje

— HP (@amishestrogen) June 20, 2024

I realized that my dear sweet daughter thought having your period is a *choice* and now she’s crying because I informed her it is not

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 19, 2024

In bathroom at casino, asked a lady in her 70s if she’d tie the bow around my waist. My god. One of your grandmothers snatched that thing so hard I grew an inch taller. I looked like a vertical hornet. Much to learn from women who grew up before we had rights

— Honey (@benegotherit) June 19, 2024

i was definitely born in the right era. i love being able to tell men to shut the fck up without being lobotomized.

— ube (@bbyube) June 21, 2024

so my parents divorce got finalized this morning and the first thing my dad does is change his profile picture to a pic of him and the woman he’s been cheating on my mom with for the last 5 years lol

— woahh mann (@ashhhhhhole) June 22, 2024

my roommate is so unserious pic.twitter.com/ScN71atoJR

— tate (@50FirstTates) June 23, 2024

Holy shit my elevator goes to the philipines pic.twitter.com/RlimhENk2X

— shoujo .｡.:*☆ (@hnr004sei) June 18, 2024

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

— mariana Z (@mariana057) June 20, 2024

i trust them pic.twitter.com/4SWHWzp14M

— mark g (@quakerparents) June 24, 2024

Duolingo should have an "I'm going on holiday to this place very soon" setting so it teaches you "can I have the bill" and so on instead of "the cow boils an egg"

— Helen (@HRDutson) June 23, 2024

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s'il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

— Khoi Dao (@khoidaooo) June 22, 2024

Husband found a parking spot right in front of the packed aquarium today and immediately was like “this is a parking spot you’ll remember forever” and has managed to talk about it all day. Has also said “how about the parking spot though” about 30 times so far

— kourtney (@kourtneyinhell) June 24, 2024

Got catcalled** at Walgreens today

**some guy said “CEREAL TIME” as I walked by with a huge box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

— Sarah York (@thesarahyork) June 19, 2024

Horrible being the first one to sign a group birthday card at work. Its on me to set the tone, do we go funny, sincere & affectionate, clinical & professional perhaps. No privacy at all either, everyone is gonna read my message when they write theirs. Im fucking panicking here.

— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) June 19, 2024

i schedule my emails to send at 9:17 or 8:34 or whatever so it seems more authentic. everyone knows what's up with a 9:00 email

— anna (@moonbeeaam) June 19, 2024

My nephew just told this man in Chipotle “My auntie’s body is NOT for your eyes!”

I was feeling so protected & loved til I turned around to see the finest man I ever seen in my life.

Gotta show my nephew a flow chart

— BBL Stephyy 🍑 (@stef_oh_nee) June 21, 2024

How it started: Toyota issued a recall saying our battery might burst into flames. Battery started acting funny so we asked them to tow the car to the dealership to take a look, for safety. They said "noooo bestie just drive it in!"

How it's going: pic.twitter.com/plWqla9KND

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 19, 2024

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

— Brian Asman (Werewolf Era) (@thebrianasman) June 21, 2024

When I walk in the Olive Garden pic.twitter.com/NltQKdh8nv

— John Rosenberger (@JohnJohnPhenom) June 20, 2024

Not everything has to be aesthetic. Sometimes your oatmeal can just look like cement. It’s fine.

— Bird (@vogelbrah) June 19, 2024

whats wrong babe you've barely touched your croc-tail pic.twitter.com/3s4HJgEZhT

— Gators Daily 🐊 (@GatorsDaily) June 20, 2024

fucked up that they’re right about eating healthier. fucked up they’re right about getting 8 hours of sleep. fucked up they’re right about exercising. fuck this chungus life

— beer person (@CantEverDie) June 18, 2024

why i just found out that my daddy be vacuuming twilight 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/VmbyjQCU9R

— andy 🌷🫧🍓 (@frogclubs) June 21, 2024

“wow,” said the two-year-old neighbor boy petting one of our cats for the first time, “there are bones in here”

— rachelle toarmino (@rchlltrmn) June 23, 2024

I kno he embarrassed https://t.co/4bSCYR9l3A

— RK Jackson | Atlanta 🛸 (@theerkj) June 20, 2024

him whipping out the DS 😭😭 https://t.co/lRgrcTpDt5

— b ☀️ (@sheeshgwws) June 18, 2024