1990s Action Thriller With Controversial Sports Legend So Offensive It’s Being Lost

I don’t even know how to start breaking down the plot to Simon Sez because it’s nonexistent. I’m not typically one to copy/paste a film’s synopsis from IMDb, but it’s a brave new world, and I have to take this approach in order to provide some insight on how this dumpster fire was marketed to the masses.

The synopsis for Simon Sez reads as such: “Basketball superstar Dennis Rodman stars as a hip Interpol agent (Simon) attempting to defeat the deadly plans of a crazed arms dealer.”

But there’s so much more (or less, depending on your outlook on life) to Simon Sez than meets the eye. Dennis Rodman is joined by a young Dane Cook doing his best (read: worst) impersonation of Jim Carrey doing impersonations of dogs and dinosaurs (complete with barking and roars) whenever he gets the chance (nearly every scene). Dane Cook’s Nick Miranda is on a mission to save a kidnapped girl who isn’t really kidnapped, and his briefcase that is supposed to have $2 million of ransom money in it is actually filled with bricks and a suspicious CD-R.

The plot to Simon Sez falls apart so quickly that you’ll spend most of your time watching the film wondering exactly what’s at stake.

At this point in Simon Sez, we don’t know what’s on the CD-R, but we know that arms dealer, Ashton (Jerome Pradon), is the primary antagonist in this heist-gone-wrong film that makes Bill Murray’s The Man Who Knew Too Little look like Ocean’s Eleven by comparison.

If I had to weigh in, however, the real antagonist in Simon Sez is Dane Cook’s inability to read the room as he shoe-horns as many half-baked stand-up bits as humanly possible into every single on-screen exchange he has. It’s unreal how much topical humor is jammed into the dialogue in the form of jokes about Bill Clinton’s Oval Office escapades and how attractive he thinks Drew Barrymore is.

After Simon Sez’s plot unravels (about three minutes into the film), we’re introduced to Simon’s loyal but bumbling sidekicks, two “cyber-monks” and expert hackers named Micro (John Pinette) and Macro (Ricky Harris).

The cyber-monks spend most of their time joking about Micro’s weight and appetite while dancing to house music that’s clearly a part of the soundtrack but doesn’t actually exist in their reality. In other words, Micro and Macro are popping and locking to complete silence if you look at Simon Sez objectively, and it’s a form of cinematic torture that will require you to bite down on a piece of tile in order to prevent yourself from screaming and swallowing your own tongue.

GFR SCORE

This is the part where I try to find redeeming qualities for Simon Sez, but I don’t think I have the strength this time. While I don’t necessarily disagree with New York Times writer Lawrence Van Gelder for describing Dennis Rodman as “inescapably watchable,” his charisma simply isn’t enough to hold it all together. But like I’ve said in the past, there is inherent entertainment value in ill-fated action comedies like Simon Sez, so I’ll extend an olive branch by telling you that this is a perfect party movie.

If you want every single movie you watch for the rest of your life to be a comparatively better viewing experience, then Simon Sez comes with strong recommendations. As of this writing, the only way to view this disjointed romp is by purchasing it on-demand through Apple TV+, Amazon Prime Video, Fandango At Home, or Microsoft.