I Love Conflict... Transformation ❤️

#Peacemaker Dan Terry's philosophy of international development and cooperation, which inspired 30 years of his work in #Afghanistan: "How do we #mediate and mentor? Not to win hearts and minds of others to better control them, but rather to effectively squander our own hearts enfranchising and investing in them." - from the short ode to Dan Terry's life by his friend Jonathan Larson, "Making Friends Among the Taliban".

"Hostage-taking is just another form of hospitality" - Dan Terry. Here's an anecdote to help explain the quote: In the course of his community health work, Dan traveled often in the northern backcountry of the storied ruins of Balkh. As sometimes happens in such unsettled times, Dan was captured by a crafty local commander who thought he could spot a windfall when he saw one. Held hostage in the commander's base, Dan assured his captor that there were no riches within reach of any of his friends or family and that threats to his personal health or safety in hopes of ransom would be fruitless. As the hours passed, the commander observed that Dan was neither anxious nor resentful. They ate together and drank tea as conversation and camaraderie flowered. In time, it dawned on the captor that a strange friendship had sprung up between him and this oddly warm hostage. Persuaded that any demand for ransom would prove in vain and recognizing in Dan a noble friend, the commander called for a sheep to be slaughtered. A kebab meal sealed the bonds of affection between them. And with that, the commander set him free." (from Jonathan Larson's "Making Friends Among the Taliban")

Desmond Tutu on #forgiveness and #altruism: "To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest... However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person too." ( found in Scilla Elworthy's The Business Plan for Peace )

Trevor Noah on using his early language skills to transcend difference, prejudice, and violence: * It became a tool that served me my whole life. One day as a young man I was walking down the street, and a group of Zulu guys was walking behind me, closing in on me, and I could hear them talking to one another about how they were going to mug me. "Asibambe le autie yomlungu. Phuma ngapha mina ngizoqhamuka ngemuva kwakhe." "Let's get this white guy. You go to his left, and I'll come up behind him." I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run, so I just spun around real quick and said, "Kodwa bafwethu yingani singavele sibambe umuntu inkunzi? Asen- zeni. Mina ngikulindele." "Yo, guys, why don't we just mug someone together? I'm ready. Let's do it." They looked shocked for a moment, and then they started laughing. "Oh, sorry, dude. We thought you were something else." * (from Born a Crime) He didn't look like them, but speaking like them destroyed their ability to see him as separate from themselves... #inspiration

On truth vs. storytelling. "Once we shift our attention from assessing the truth or falsity of the story, we can recognize that it was designed to communicate the storyteller's subjective interpretation, emotional response, mental confusion, fear of vulnerability, and desire for assistance in understanding what happened. Recognizing these elements in conflict stories makes it possible to transform the story and invent new ones that end in resolution, forgiveness, and reconciliation." (Crossroads of Conflict, Ken Cloke) In order to listen with this goal in mind, Ken recommends: 1. Open and enlarge the story Listen with an open heart. Grok what the storyteller really needs and how they were affected by the conflict. Ask questions rooted in curiosity to get the extent of the storyteller's version. 2. Destabilize the story Every story is a pattern created out of a subset of facts. There are other facts and other patterns with the same facts. The point is to ask questions that make this reality clear, to "loosen the grip" of the Singular Conflict Story on the Storyteller's mind. 3. Recontextualize the story Once the storyteller is aware of the meaning of the story -- the impact of their own story upon themselves, as well as the possibility of telling other stories from the same dataset, they may no longer be attached to that story. The goal is to meet the need the story was telling through the listening so they can let go of the story. 4. Support the storyteller in creating another story What story can they tell that would have a lasting positive impact on their life? That would utilize their personal power and responsibility? That could lead to a plan of action on their part?

Ken Cloke on how every dispute you complain about is actually a fairy tale: "Conflict stories are also fairy tales, in which the storyteller becomes a princess (victim) describing the actions of a dragon (perpetrator) to someone they hope will become their prince (rescuer). In the fairy tale: 1. the princess is primarily responsible for expressing feelings and being emotionally vulnerable, 2. the prince is responsible for coming up with solutions, and 3. the dragon is responsible for directing attention toward problems that might otherwise be unnoticed. In order to elicit sympathy and support from the listener, the storyteller must be seen as powerless in the face of evil. The action of every conflict story is therefore to trade power for sympathy." (The Crossroads of Conflict) If "knowing is half the battle" then just reading that passage should hopefully change every conflict story I ever tell. ;) Emerging from the fairy tale (which Ken calls "mediation") means: 1. Offering empathy and power to everyone 2. Showing each person how they play all three roles. 3. Refusing to become a rescuer 4. Asking the princess to accept responsibility for part of the problem 5. Helping the dragon become more open and vulnerable 6. Encouraging everyone to participate in solving the problem. (For a more detailed discussion of the narrative structure of conflict stories, see Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith, Resolving Personal and Organizational Conflicts: Stories of Transformation and Forgiveness)

Ken Cloke on integrity: " The Iron Law of Integrity is really quite simple. Whenever we act without integrity, even at a tiny, subtle, subconscious level, we subdivide into separate, dissimilar, opposing parts, somewhat like the cartoon image of a devil over one shoulder and an angel over the other. One part recognizes that what we are doing is wrong, while the other wants to go ahead and do it anyway. When we behave disrespectfully to others, or act in ways we know are wrong, whether as a result of poor self-esteem or anger or fear, we weaken our integrity, spirit, heart, and sense of self, even if we can rationalize or justify our actions. Sometimes we weaken our integrity in microscopic ways, but these microscopic weaknesses produce macroscopic effects. Ultimately, these microscopic cracks accumulate and reach a point where they create a crisis or crossroads, making possible a return to unity and an end to a divided self. " - from The Crossroads of Conflict Three important points for me: 1. Every act not in integrity with our highest self (which everyone does, every day) is "remembered" by our self-concept, regardless of how we might feel about it at the time. Every such act is an attack on our selfhood. 2. Rather than (1) leading to a guilt-ridden approach, it is (only?) through all these integrity faults that we have a shot at returning to wholeness and unity. The road requires inner conflict (reckoning?) and nobody wants to do that. 3. Luckily, we don't have to "want" to do that. We just ended up being forced to when things get bad enough.

A practical example of #conflicttransformation in action, courtesy of Greg Boyle: (Setting: Kid walks up to Father Boyle after mass at a juvenile detention camp) Greg: "What's your name" Kid: "SNIPER" Greg: "Come on, dog, what's your name?" Kid: "Gonzalez" Greg: "Okay now, son. I know the staff here calls you by your last name. I'm not down with that. What's your mom call you?" Kid: "Cabrón" (Translation: Bastard!) Greg: "I'm looking for birth certificate here" The kid softens. I can tell it's happening. But there is embarrassment and a newfound vulnerability. Kid: "Napoleón" Greg: "That's a fine, noble, historical name. But I'm almost positive that when your mom calls you, she doesn't use that. What's your mom call you?" Then I watch him go to some far, distant place -- a location he has not visited in some time. His voice, body language, and whole being are taking on a new shape -- right before my eyes. Kid: "Sometimes, when my mom's not mad at me.... she calls me... Napito." I watched this kid move, transformed, from Sniper to Gonzalez to Cabrón to Napoleón to Napito. We all just want to be called by the name our mom uses when she's not pissed off at us. (adapted from Tattoos on the Heart)

"The first act of maturity consists of becoming aware of dysfunctional patterns. The second consists of transforming behaviors by choosing to act differently. The third consists of transcending dysfunctional patterns by being authentic and inviting others to do the same." - Ken Cloke Chapter 4 of The Crossroads of Conflict centers on each participant's personal experience and history. Until we become aware of what we are bringing to the table, nothing that happens at the table can truly help resolve our deeper reasons for being there.

From the introduction to Tattoos on the Heart by Father Greg Boyle... I can't believe how moving this book is and I haven't even started Chapter 1! "If there is a fundamental challenge within these stories, it is simply to change our lurking suspicion that some lives matter less than other lives. William Blake wrote, "We are put on earth for a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love." Turns out this is what we all have in common, gang member and nongang member alike: we're just trying to learn how to bear the beams of love." - page xiii