Success After Sixty

What is your legacy? What do you think of when you hear the word "legacy"? What do you consider to be your legacy? Last year at this time I wrote about the wedding of our youngest son. As I sat at the rehearsal luncheon and looked around the room, I could see four of my children, including the son who was getting married, all adults, and two of my grandchildren. It suddenly occurred to me that these six fascinating people are the result of my having been alive. They are, in fact, my legacy. More than that, my legacy is whatever influence I had had on them, what I had taught them, what I had done to help their unique personalities unfold. When the time to toast the couples arrived, I was moved to tell the assembled family and friends that I wasn't going to try to impart any of the wisdom I had gained from 43 years of marriage, because I had observed my son and his fiancé to have already put into practice those lessons, in the way the faced adversity, in the way they resolved any issues between them. And that's a legacy, too. Now, my son and daughter and law are expecting a baby, and Cheri and I flew up to Salt Lake City to attend the gender reveal. When they announced that it was a son, I was filled with a feeling that my legacy was continuing and expanding. (Yes, granddaughters are a legacy, too, and I have several of those. It's just that, well, they get married and don't have my last name so it's a little different.) Legacy. Keep your own legacy growing, whether it's through children and grandchildren if you have that bounty, or through any of the people that you touch, influence, share your wisdom with. Keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

How does your future look? Not too long ago, I was enjoying breakfast at a sidewalk café in the Little Italy section of San Diego. It was a beautiful, warm sunny San Diego day and I was feeling pretty good about life. My table was right next to the street, and the light traffic passed right by me. I looked up from my cappuccino and noticed an older man (well, about my age, truth be told) riding by on a bicycle. It was completely loaded down and he was also pulling a full bicycle trailer. I got the impression that he was carrying all his worldly goods on, and behind, that bike and that he was, in fact, homeless. I felt badly for him, and maybe even a little bit guilty about the difference in our worldly fortunes. Just then the next vehicle went past, and it was a bright red Ferrari also driven by a man our age. At that point, my profession being what it is, I started thinking about success and how it could be that two men, of about the same age, none of them with any apparent physical advantages or disadvantages, could have arrived at this point in life in such different situations. (While I was sitting there, another man went past, on an electric vehicle, a man with no legs, who seemed quite happy despite his physical disadvantages, but that’s another article!) I was put in mind of something I learned from Earl Nightingale, one of the first personal development teachers I ever studied, decades ago. He tackled that same question and came to the conclusion that the difference lay in the extent to which a person set and worked towards goals and visualized reaching them. Do you have goals? Have you written them down, with a date that you intend to achieve them? If you haven’t, you might want to stop and reflect on the impact that might have on how your future is going to unfold. You might also want to check out my goal-setting workshop: Master 2024! Now, I know that none of you reading this are homeless, or, I hope, in danger of becoming homeless. However, each of us can become more successful, or a better version of ourselves, and that is the point of this article. In order to do that, you have to have goals. As the old saying goes, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” One of the most important set of goals is what you lay out for yourself for the coming year. Take some time, very soon, to go through that exercise. 2025 will be here sooner than you think, and you are going to want to be ready for it. How do you picture your future? You won’t get the future you pick without setting your goals and working towards them. In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

You be the judge! I had an interesting experience this weekend. One of our family members was having a very tired, low-energy Sunday, and I had to do some work on my reaction to that. You see, I was raised in a family with a very strong work ethic. Calling someone “lazy” was a deadly insult and we were all expected to be doing something useful if we were awake unless we were having a meal, or sick. For me, then, someone being in a state of inaction, if they weren’t ill, is wrong. I kept checking with her to see if she was sick, and she wasn’t. While she napped, I worked—of course! In fact , I’m pretty sure I put more effort into the household chores than usual, maybe to prove my superiority to myself. I didn’t clean at her. (I did do that years ago, but I’ve trained myself out of that kind of behavior.) As it turns out, her sleepiness was apparently the result of a change in medication, but that’s not the point. The point is that I had fallen into the trap of judging her behavior based on my own standards. That isn’t reasonable, and isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. It is great to have standards for yourself, and to hold yourself to those standards and accountable to yourself for taking actions consistent with those standards. In fact, I believe that is part of what is necessary to becoming the best version of yourself. The key, here, is hidden in the number of times I used the word “self” in those statements. My standards are applicable to me, and not others, and my behavior is the only behavior I have the right to judge based on those standards. Do you ever judge other people by your standards? Of course you do; we all do. Is that appropriate in a given situation? I suggest you give this some thought. In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

You be the judge! I had an interesting experience this weekend. One of our family members was having a very tired, low-energy Sunday, and I had to do some work on my reaction to that. You see, I was raised in a family with a very strong work ethic. Calling someone “lazy” was a deadly insult and we were all expected to be doing something useful if we were awake unless we were having a meal, or sick. For me, then, someone being in a state of inaction, if they weren’t ill, is wrong. I kept checking with her to see if she was sick, and she wasn’t. While she napped, I worked—of course! In fact , I’m pretty sure I put more effort into the household chores than usual, maybe to prove my superiority to myself. I didn’t clean at her. (I did do that years ago, but I’ve trained myself out of that kind of behavior.) As it turns out, her sleepiness was apparently the result of a change in medication, but that’s not the point. The point is that I had fallen into the trap of judging her behavior based on my own standards. That isn’t reasonable, and isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. It is great to have standards for yourself, and to hold yourself to those standards and accountable to yourself for taking actions consistent with those standards. In fact, I believe that is part of what is necessary to becoming the best version of yourself. The key, here, is hidden in the number of times I used the word “self” in those statements. My standards are applicable to me, and not others, and my behavior is the only behavior I have the right to judge based on those standards. Do you ever judge other people by your standards? Of course you do; we all do. Is that appropriate in a given situation? I suggest you give this some thought. In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

Talk to strangers! Remember when you were a child and your mother warned you, "Don't talk to strangers"?. Well, you're not a child anymore and you're no longer stuck with that rule. In past columns, I talked about getting together with friends and spending time with them, socializing. That's important, I said, because we're social animals. I'd like to expand that concept now to strangers. You can form a bond, no matter how temporary, with someone you don't know. My wife, Cheri, is great at this. It's something that comes naturally to her. She'll strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone she encounters. What I discovered early on in our marriage was that people like it! Not long ago, we were in San Francisco and we walked up to a street corner to wait for a street car and she started talking to one of the couples standing there (while I took pictures of the nearby architecture, which is more my style.) Within a few minutes she knew where they lived, what they were doing in San Francisco, how long they had been married, and she was dispensing advice on keeping a marriage fresh. Since we've been happily married for 44 years, she has a good basis for that advice. Not only did they seem to appreciate the conversation and advice, but when they left, the woman in the other couple waiting there commented on how much she had appreciated hearing it. A bond was formed, and it was clear that everyone's life was enriched by the encounter. Next time you find yourself standing next to a stranger, try talking to them. You never know what might come of it, and I promise you won't get in trouble with your mother! Let us know how it goes. In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

Don't be a victim! One of the things that I see people, particularly in our age group, doing, is allowing themselves to think of themselves as victims. They look at life as something that happens to them, and that the events that they have no control over, control them. That's what I call the "victim mentality". Maybe you know someone like that. They don't like their life, but it's not their fault. There's nothing they can do about it, after all. My recent columns have talked about a different view of life, one that says that you have choices you can make. You can choose what to focus on, you can choose what meaning those things have to you, you can choose the language you use to describe them. Ultimately, you can choose your own mindset Yes, bad things happen, and they may happen to you, just as they've happened to me. The trick, though, is to choose to not let those things define you, but to take control and define yourself, decide what the best version of yourself would look like, and then choose to take action to become that person. One of my favorite quotes is this one from Teddy Roosevelt, about "The Man in the Arena": “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Don't be a victim. Be a victor! In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

Old, older, oldest! Cheri and I spent a day this past weekend with my mother-in-law and my father-in-law, who are both in their 90’s, twenty years older than us. My mother-in-law is still doing well, although she suffers from what has been called “long COVID”, so her stamina is a bit reduced. She also is a bit less focused and decisive than she used to be. We were there helping them to pack and move, because she was, as she said, “stuck” and having a hard time figuring out what to do next. My father-in-law, on the other hand, is not doing well. He has Parkinsons, is wheelchair-bound and suffers from severe cognitive impairment. You can have a simple conversation with him, but he doesn’t really understand where he is or what is going on around him. This situation had an interesting impact on me, because of how I looked at the differences in our ages, 70’s to 90’s. I felt a great deal of empathy for my mother-in-law because, although I feel like I am in generally better shape physically and mentally than she is, it wasn’t a stretch to understand her situation. In fact, when it came time to do some work under our bathroom sink, I asked my son, who is in his 40’s, to be the one to get down on the floor and work under the sink. He said yes, “I’m a bit more flexible.” Then he joked that if he was having trouble with it, he would ask my grandson to do it, “Pass it down a generation!”. Watching my father-in-law, however . . . worried me. I couldn’t help wondering if this was my future. Honestly, he doesn’t have much quality of life and I would hate to end up like that in twenty years. I’ve been thinking about their lifestyle—diet, exercise, personal development actions--and working on developing a better lifestyle, that would help protect me from ending up like him. As always, I am working on taking this negative situation and using it as an inspiration to take action, to help me become a better version of myself. How about you? Are there people in your life, older than you, that you can look to as an example of what to avoid—or maybe people you can use as a good example? I look at Dr. Ron Kaiser, for example, who is about 10 years older than me, and see a strong, healthy, bright man who is working to inspire the rest of us to age well. Give some thought to the oldest among you and see what you can learn from them. In the meantime, remember to keep telling yourself— "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

FATHERS AND SONS This past weekend, Labor Day weekend, I had the opportunity to reflect on the relationship between fathers and sons. Cheri and I were in Utah, attending the baby shower for our youngest son and his wife. It was also the gender reveal celebration, and they’re going to have a son! That, of course, put me in mind of the relationship my son will have with his son. We also had the great bounty of being able to help our kids, who are struggling a bit financially, including taking them on a grocery shopping trip so we could fill their refrigerator and pantry. That got me thinking about the financial struggles Cheri and I had had in our early days, and I was very grateful to be in the position to help out this way. That also got me thinking about my father. My parents had divorced when I was very young, a baby in fact, and I did not have much of a relationship with my father. I was thinking of a particular incident early in our marriage when Cheri and I were struggling to feed four children, and my father, to my surprise, offered to send us some money. The money never came and when we asked him about it he said he changed his mind. I've always resented him for that. Standing in that grocery store, watching our kids filling four grocery baskets, I thought about what a difference it would have made for us to have been on the receiving end of that sort of generosity back then. The next day, I pondered this subject some more. No, my father wasn’t the father to me that I was to my three sons (and three daughters). But Cheri reminded me that when we first got married, we swore to each other that we would be better parents than the parents we had. Isn’t that part of what made me the father that I am? That also helped me realize that my father didn’t have the kind of wife that I had, the kind that helped me grow into a generous person. He didn’t have a lot of the resources and benefits that I had. He was doing the best he had with what he had to work with. So I forgave my father. I said a prayer for him, as my Faith teaches us to do for our parents. And I felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. This follows on to my experience back in July when I celebrated my late mother’s 100th birthday, and recognized all that I had learned from her, and let go of some of the resentments I had held on to, about her. How do you feel about your parents? Do you have any lingering feelings of resentment or lack there? Maybe you should try looking at them in a new light, and realize they were only human, and doing the best they could with what they had to work with. In the meantime, remember to keep telling yourself, “I’m Never Done Growing!” --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty

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DON'T MISS OUT! I've written before about the fact that a number of people I know have passed away recently. The two funerals I recently attended taught me several things. What I want to share with you now is what I learned about missing out on knowing people. I didn’t know either of the men who passed away very well, even though I had known them for a long time. One of them, Phil, was a member of our religious community, and I had known him for over 50 years. The other man was my cousin, my first cousin, David, so I had known him all my life. As I sat at Phil's “celebration of life" (which is how we tend to treat such things in the Baha'i Faith) and listened to people talk about what a wonderful person he was, I began to regret not having gotten to know him better. As they talked about their experiences with him, I thought, “I could have had experiences like that too!”. The next Saturday, I was at my cousin David's funeral, celebrated as a Mass at the Catholic Church he attended. This was a different sort of commemoration, with more prayers, scriptures and singing than stories from his life. Nevertheless, this feeling of having missed knowing someone deepened. In this case, as I met relatives I had never met before (including David's wife), I began to feel almost embarrassed to admit I barely knew him. He was my cousin, after all. How could I not know him? When his wife asked me to tell her stories about him, I didn’t have any! After the funeral, and at the reception, I was visiting with David's sister, my other cousin, and thinking about the fact that I really hadn't spent much time with her, or gotten to know her, either. It was at that point that I moved from regret to action. This cousin was still alive, and I could change this. I talked to her about what I was feeling, and we decided to take action, to form a plan to get to know each other. It would take some effort because she lives across the country now (oh, those lost years when I could have so easily driven to her house!) but we made a plan, and we will take action on that plan, and we will get to know each other. Are you missing opportunities to get to know the people around you better? You might want to give some thought to the consequences of that, and take action to change that. In the meantime, remember to tell yourself— “I’m Never Done Growing!” #success #successmindset #successaftersixty