7: Screw you Paris

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Day 7: Bruges

I was up at the arse crack of dawn cos I needed to wash everyone's pants in the communal hostel sinks and didn't want the other hostellers to see me and judge me for being a skank because I get enough of that in Petersfield.

By the time I'd washed out everyone's underwear Porl and the kids had debunked and were ready to explore Bruges.

I love Bruges.

Me n Porl came here without kids a couple of years ago and had a brilliant time. Sadly we now had the kids with us so it was going to be crapper and more expensive, but it's a beautiful place and the kids had cheered up on account of the bunk beds which they found very exciting, so we were all in a good mood.

We wanted to do everything and see everywhere and Bruges is pretty small so we figured if we got up early and stayed out late we could cram everything into one long day.

Of course it involved a lot of walking but that's no issue cos is a holiday even a holiday if you dont walk at least 8 miles a day?

We started at the Bell Tower and made sure we went up it. We didn't want a repeat of the Eiffel Tower disaster. We had to walk through a lovely little market to get to the bell tower and the kids laughed again cos they saw the word artisanal and it has 'anal' in it. 🙄🙄

The Bell Tower was ace and older than the Eiffel Tower so screw you Paris. We went up straight away and it was awesome and everyone loved it and the bell rang and it was LOUD.

Then we walked to everything else in Bruges and did everything it was possible to do and even squeezed in a three-ice-teas-and-two-coffees-please break but not lunch cos we're on a budget and three meals a day when you're on your holibobs is an indulgence of the rich or those without children.

The twins begged to go to the torture museum and even though me n Porl told them we were already living in it they didn't give up so we gave in and went. Omfg. People are utter cunts but then I guess they never had any of the #BeKind nonsense back then.

I thought the kids might have been traumatized but the twins found it all hilarious and Austin refused to look at anything cos he is of a delicate disposition, so it was only me n Porl who took the torture history seriously and we left with some great parenting ideas.

The torture museum was free for kids under ten so I did a bad lie and told the torturedeskman that Austin was 10 (he's 11) and Austin was very upset and said I was as immoral as the people that did the torturing in the olden days 🙄. Oh to be a morally righteous 11 year old know-it-all.

I told him he was welcome to go back and spend his holiday money on a tortureticket and he shut up cos like most people he is ethical in theory but not in practice.

We did cathedrals, a gallery, a historic hospital, canals and lots and lots of walking. Not sure if I've mentioned it before but me n Porl love walking around foreign cities and towns (unless there's an open top sightseeing bus tour) and our ambition is that one day the kids will also grow to love it. However current evidence suggests this ambition is unlikely to be fulfilled.

Bruges is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible, historic, super-interesting place and the weather was perfect so we had the best day ever walking about and chilling around and dodging all the tourists and bikes (aka silent killers).

There were many highlights of Bruges because Bruges is awesome, but my favoritest bit was when we found the most expensive shop that exists anywhere in the world. It was so overpriced and expensive and tat filled that me n Porl actually laughed out loud in disbelief and got judged hard by some other tourists who didn't understand conversion rates and thought the xmas tat that was being sold in July was actually special and unique to Bruges.

In my next career I will start a tat shop and sell overpriced xmas things and mass produced cuckoo clocks to stupid tourists in July and I will make twice as much money than I do from writing and 1500x as much as I made from teaching.

Austin was a bit tired cos he has less stamina than everyone else on account of him being 11 and using up all his energy on being a know-it-all. So we found a park near a canal and we had a rest.

The twins love nothing more than winding Austin up when he's tired and grumpy so waited until he laid down and closed his eyes then chucked rotten floor conkers in his face. Me n Porl thought it was funny which made Austin lose his shit with us and we had to apologize and try not to laugh at his rotten conker-filled hair.

Earlier on the kids had spotted the happy and much loved children of other parents walking around with bags from the Lego shop and were crestfallen when we said we weren't going there cos Lego shops are not of special sightseeing interest, and we didn't come all the way to Bruges to look at Lego cos we do that all the time at home. However cos we felt mean for laughing at the conkered Frog we said we would go to the Lego shop and everyone except the adults were delighted.

The Lego shop had lots of Lego in it but sadly none of it was for sale.

After the Lego shop we did more walking around cos Bruges is the best place for wandering and we found a quiet backalley restaurant that did amazing food for cheap money and the kids all ordered burgers and they were bloody good ones.

Then we went back to our bunk bed palace all tired and happy to dream of torture and tat.

When I'm not busy spamming friends, family and complete randoms with tales of my traumatic life, I ghostwrite thought leadership content for corporates. I tend not to swear so much and employ better grammar in my B2B comms pieces.

If you, or anyone you know, needs a hand with their thought leadership content, please do reach out. I'm usually booked up a couple of months in advance but can sometimes squeeze in a last minute project if the client is cool, groovy and has tons of cash.