A Call for Compassion, Nuance And Self-Reflection, For Men

I am sure I won’t be alone in feeling like the world is at a crossroads at the moment. Unsurprisingly masculinity is at a crossroads too and I believe that there are two main reasons for this:

1. Men are hurting and the narratives around masculinity are largely simplistic, and void of compassion. The macro reality represented by the concept of male privilege, while an accurate and necessary historical diagnosis, is not perceived as such in the lived experiences of many men. 
2. Gender equity must be embraced holistically and go beyond putting women in position of leadership. The masculine traits which have been historically preferred (and still are), over feminine attributes are now being challenged, but only when they are displayed by men, which fuels polarization and gender divide.

In our quest for greater equity and inclusion, the compassion for men and the genuine empathy for the challenges of boys and men must not become controversial, polarized, and political. We must wholeheartedly embrace the need for care and healing of men, at the risk of losing them, literally and figuratively. 

Beyond Stereotypes: Unveiling the Hidden Realities of Men's Struggles

When considering the overall lived experiences of boys and men, the groundbreaking report from Equimundo, The State of American Men paints a heartbreaking picture: 

• 40% of all men show depressive symptoms. 
• 44% of all men had thoughts of suicide in the prior two weeks; younger men show the highest levels of depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation. 
• Men aged 18 to 23 have the least optimism for their futures and the lowest levels of social support. 
• 65% of men aged 18 to 23 say that “no one really knows me well.
• Only 22% of men have three or more people in their local area they feel close to or depend on. 

Additionally, more of the youngest men trust online misogynist influencer Andrew Tate (20%) than trust Biden (15%). This should be concerning to anyone regardless of their political affiliation. It goes to show that, as a society, we are failing in providing men with the compassion that they desperately need. 

Today, there is also a large proportion of men who do not feel welcome in spaces where they are painted with a single brush with the stroke of male privilege; and a lot of the same men do not feel like they belong with the hyper masculine, violent and oppressive version of the man-box either. 

And this is where we must be vigilant, especially in progressive spaces to avoid associating the toxic side of masculinity with the traditional side of masculinity. 

Masculine does not equal harmful.

Traditional does not equal toxic: there’s a spectrum here. 

To the same vein: while we can all agree that Andrew Tate is a harmful figure, Joe Rogan is not Andrew Tate. Jordan Peterson is not Andrew Tate. Associating those individuals with Tate and labeling them as harmful part of the manosphere is intellectually dishonest, and alienate men who may agree with some portions of what is being shared by Rogan in his interviews or by Peterson. This cancellation by association is dangerous and unproductive.

Empathy Beyond Gender: Holistic gender equity for a compassionate future

Gender equity must be embraced holistically and go beyond putting women in position of leadership.

To quote Rupi Kaur, a feminism which aims to "place women at the head at oppressive systems is not progress". But is this not what we are doing? Or are we implying that more women in leadership positions will automatically put more empathy into the world? 

Maybe.

And while the representation of marginalized groups in position of leadership is critical, associating qualities and human traits solely based on gender is the text book definition of sexism. In other words: if all you see when you look at me is a straight white man, and those aspects of my identity inform you on my intrinsic value as a human being, my capacity for harm, or for compassion, you are part of the problem.

One certainty is that society does not welcome men when they step out of traditional gender norms.

Research shows that parents are more uncomfortable with gender-nonconforming behaviors in boys, than they are with girls,

Other research reveals that men perceived as less self-promoting and more collaborative and power-sharing are evaluated by both men and women as less competent (and, not incidentally, less masculine). 

Ask yourself: 

Does your attachment to ideology supersede the well-being of boys and men in your life? 

The gender gap is not one directional. It is intersectional, and it is also multi-dimensional, like all of us, as individual human beings.

A few alarming figures from the American Institute For Boys and Men:

• 4x: In the U.S., men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women.
• 71%: Share of U.S. opioid overdose deaths that occur among men.
• 9 Million : The number of working-age men not working or looking for work in late 2019.
• 14%: The decline in median earnings for men without college degrees since 1979.
• 14: The percentage point gap in school readiness between boys and girls at age 5.
• 15: The percentage point gap between boys and girls receiving bachelor’s degrees.

One gender gap that is clearly overlooked is the empathy gap that we, collectively, have for boys and men.

"We can address the unique challenges faced by men while being fierce advocate for women’s rights."

The sense of purpose which was inherent to the traditional role of men as protector and provider, is disappearing quickly, especially in western societies, but no compelling alternative narrative is presently available. The fast disappearance of traditional male jobs with the rise of technology further reinforce the sense of obsolescence and despair which many men experience.

It is a well established truth that hurt people hurt people, regardless of their gender identity. But hurt men hurt everyone and destroy everything and, at the moment, by failing to address the numerous challenges that they face, men are finding comfort and community in the extremes, and on the darkest corners of the internet.

The world is historically desensitized to the pain of men. For example, when we talk about war casualties, we mention civilians, women, children: what about men? The concept of sacrifice is so intertwined with our ideas of men that we still, as a society fail to deal with their struggles.

It is high time that we bring nuance and compassion in the conversation about men. Gender equity must be approached holistically. We can address the unique challenges faced by men while being fierce advocate for women’s rights.

As Richard V. Reeves said in his amazing Ted Talk: “We can think two thoughts at once.”