Good Enough Parenting

                            The Good Enough Parent [Originally from Mothering Magazine] Marybeth Lambe MD FAAFP

I didn’t comprehend, I really didn’t. How could I understand the power, the sweeping emotions that would rush through me once I became a parent? I did not know I had such tenderness, such devotion, such fierce passion for a child, for all our children. Love seems too small a word to frame these feelings.

Chengming bursts out of the schoolyard. Newly arrived from China, she still speaks Chinese and is babbling away in rapid-fire Mandarin at a confused classmate. Suddenly Chengming spots me and her face is suffused with joy. “Mommy!” She screams in happiness. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” On the last call, she has reached me and her arms swing wide. I sweep her into the sky and we laugh together. Oh, how can the world contain our exultation?

The five youngest are gathered around me this windy, stormy night. We all manage to squeeze onto my husband’s and my big bed. The ‘Who sits there?’ and ‘Who has more covers?’ bickering has finally quieted and, amazingly, here we are together singing. We start with ‘Sweet Baby James’, then ‘Five Speckled Frogs’ then ‘Wheels on the Bus’. I pause to listen to their voices at times soft, at times loud with laughter. Mark catches my eye and we grin at each other. “Who knew?” Our eyes seem to say to each other. “Who knew life held such treasure?”

But parenthood is not made only of these pearls of joy and wonder. Sometimes, oh so many times, parenting is very, very, difficult. How many times have I laid awake in bed when sleep would not come? Exhausted and worn out, yet I could not lose myself in restful dreams. Guilt gnawing at me, I could not sleep. Sometimes, with tears, I would remember how I was too rushed, too busy to see those moments of love.

As a parent and Family Practice physician for over thirty years, I am often struck by how we all struggle with the impossible ideal of being the perfect parent. Sometimes, the guilt is so powerful it blinds us to the daily joy. Even when we are doing a good job as parents, we are never, somehow, good enough. We punish ourselves. If we were perfect parents why didn’t we feed her all the right foods, why didn’t we have more patience, why didn’t we toilet train him sooner, toilet train later, why did we yell when we should have listened, why didn’t we always have a smile on our face; an endless litany of self criticism.

How can we free ourselves from the stereotype of the perfect parent? Good-enough parenting is not about being lazy or less-interested or less-loving parents. It is, instead, an approach to parenting that is more forgiving. It acknowledges that parents, as well as children, have needs. Each family must find what is important and let the rest slip away. So easy to say but how, really, is such a thing done?

A therapist interviewed for this piece notes parental anxiety is a common concern in her practice. “Many times parents fret so much about what is the ‘right and best thing’ they become unable to be emotionally available to model how to be a ‘good, imperfect person’. When so much energy is spent in trying to be the perfect parent, the child picks up these cues that perfection is the goal and imperfection is intolerable.”

A parent who worries so inevitably translates their fears to the child and truly how can any of is be PERFECT? What we really wish is for our child to flourish but we confuse in our trembling hearts and hand of a bundle of confused messages unless we pause and think. No perfection, hold instead in our hearts and minds a sense of what we really aspire to for each human and especially those we love so much—a sense of belonging, a passion no matter what is, safety, joy, something that comes along and lights discovery in them, an understanding of decency and goodness. No, perfection was never in there. Good enough parenting slows down and thinks this over. We just are and stop rushing around in fear.

There is no child on earth who needs a perfect mother or father. Children must learn that within the family they are sometimes first in line, and sometimes last, but that they are always loved. Even when they are not the center of attention, they are treasured. A child comes to appreciate that his parents still love him when they are at work or upstairs folding the laundry. A selfless parent only teaches their child one thing—that to matter they must be pleasing somebody else.

Myths We Carry Inside Ourselves

Nancy, one of my patients, wants to be the perfect parent, just like the mothers she reads about in childcare magazines. Everything Nancy does, she does well. For her son, Michael, she performs wonderful art projects, delightful handmade puppets, and enrolls him in fascinating, after-school classes. She is always ready to answer any question of his- even at the most inopportune moment; Joy reads endless stories, and sings till she is hoarse. She is his soccer partner whenever he asks and is contemplating whether he would do best in piano or violin lessons? Perhaps both?

Michael’s room is an enchanted place with forests painted on the wall and clouds and stars illuminated on the ceiling. Nancy makes him nutritious meals three times a day and she irons his clothes—even his play clothes. She sits patiently by his side as he plays on the computer. Nancy lies with him till he falls asleep each night.

Everything a mom should be, right? But Nancy is often exhausted and irritable. She feels overwhelmed and secretly resentful of this son. She admits she can’t imagine having a second child—this first one has her completely fatigued. “But isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” She asks. “I want to be the best mother in the world for Michael."  All of us struggle against the shadows of these perfect images. The mother who keeps the house spotless, the laundry starched and ironed, and a smile plastered on her face. The parent who is always receptive to their child’s moods, who can stop a temper tantrum mid-scream, and who can rush from the office to home without missing a beat. The father, who is never too weary to read just one more story, or play one more game. Before we give birth to or adopt our first child, we fantasize about our ability to parent. We will never be too tired, too irritated, too bored, or too anxious to be anything other than perfect. We start off on this road of parenting with good intentions and then run into one dilemma after another. We never recover, we never stop stumbling, but still, we judge ourselves by these standards, these myths of the perfect parent. Like Nancy, we are perpetually exhausted and disappointed in ourselves. Aren’t we supposed to be perfect?

Fears and Competition

Much of our frenzied activity as parents is based on fear. We love our children so much and we fear the increasingly competitive and academic world our kids will face as adults. If we don’t run our child to piano and ballet and soccer, won’t they miss out? Won’t they be behind if they do not attend a good preschool if they do not enroll in after-school art classes if we do not haul them to museums, and concerts, and try to teach them to read from the age of three? Parenting means wanting to sacrifice so your child has every advantage, doesn’t it?

We often do not stop to question these notions. Yet, if an ‘expert’ told us we could help our infants to walk at six months by putting on special splints, we would all laugh. Children will walk when they are ready. Yet, we hurry to teach our children—reading, music, and sports—before they are really equipped. We don’t do this to be cruel. All of us, as parents, are insecure. We want to be such good parents and to give our children every advantage that we can. If close friends have enrolled their child in enrichment activities, then, perhaps we should too. When our children suffer from ennui, we worry they don’t have enough stimulation. In the face of all this, it is hard to remember that boredom and peaceful solitude are important for children, that children learn when they are developmentally ready and not before. It is so hard to simply slow down.

Yet, here is more incentive. What values do we hold? What do these values teach our children as we role model them? How often do we proudly say on the phone to a friend or co-worker, "Oh, I have a MILLION things to do! I haven't sat down all day! I never get any sleep!" Think of the signals we relay to our children! Adults are stress, overloaded, rushing around and complaining. We are texting, phoning, and rarely speaking in a relaxed manner to our child. Like a bad cold, children catch our stress as stress is a contagious ailment.

Do we adults pause and put a stop to this? NO! We reinforce this madly scurrying behavior—we pronounce it good! Good as in just how the best of adults should behave! Work hard, harder! We gaze at successful role models who buzz around, rich and famous and… very busy. We notice the money they earn, the prestige. See? We say to each other, that's how the rich smart guy gets ahead. Our children listen to us, they watch us. They hear we should "run out lives" We complain "Look, I can't sit still, I'm busy!"

We accept ideas as truth though we don't question why. We give it the title truth, let it run our lives and then let it run our children's lives too.

• "Do it perfectly! Be a job large or small, do it well or not at all" WHY?
• "Always make your bed before you go out and play." WHY?
• "Looking for perfection is the only way to motivate yourself." Really?

These mantras invade and we allow them to invade our children's lives. We want our children to be buzzing about, complaining, grieving that time slips away faster than a favorite song stanza and this rush about tarnishes all relations. We become incapable of enduring slow normal processing speed. What?" We bark. "Cat got your tongue? Let's hurry it up, don't have all day. We become our parents, our children become us.

We ensure this by over-programming children; keeping them too busy; signing them up for lessons, sports, and other activities; then there are chores, homework, playdates, dance and music lessons tutoring for the weary student and then we are scolding them to hurry and get to bed.

How can we reverse this trend? One step is for us to slow down and balance our own lives. That will set a better example – and reduce our stress. Another is to stop pushing and pressuring our kids. It’s important to expose children to different activities but not to push them too much – especially when it’s clear they’re not picking up on it. We need to open doors, let youngsters experiment and, then, let them decide which doors to walk through. The only activity my wife and I required our children to master was swimming. This was mostly for safety reasons but also to prepare them for water sports in the future. Other than that, we allowed them to pick and choose from the variety of things they were exposed to.

Think of how much you love unstructured time, think of the way a day without too many burdens feels. Children are not projects, they are not better off filled with quick lessons, the more the better it makes you as a parent. There is NO such thing as multitasking either in childhood or the adult life. Slow down. Reading at 5, or 6, makes no difference in who goes to college. Singing gives the save gift of brain development as pounding piano keys at age 4 years and then driven off to gymnastics and then on and on.

Ask your young child "What shall we do this afternoon?" An imagination is the best gift of all next to love, slowing down, taking time.

The good enough parent steps away from the race. Research should reassure us. Twin studies have examined some of these activities. One twin is taught to read at age three; the other twin at age six. At age eight, they are both reading at exactly the same level. Flashcards have helped some toddlers read at a tender age but when these same children are tested in second grade, they have preserved no advantage.

Sometimes, we contribute to this illusion of perfection within our circle of friends. We fool each other; we compete. Everyone, everyone has these feelings of ineptness, of exhaustion, of confusion. Margie, one of my patients, recalls breaking down while attending her daughter’s soccer game. “I was supposed to be at Jason’s Little League game at the same time as Erin’s soccer game and my in-laws were coming over that night. Millie had Chinese lessons in an hour and I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to serve for dinner. The dog barfed on the living room rug and my boss had left four messages by 8 that morning. I just started pacing the sidelines and saying ‘I can’t go on like this.’”

What Margie didn’t expect was the overwhelming support she received there on that rainy soccer field. “All these parents who seemed so together, much more together than me—they all kept nodding their heads, ‘Uh huh, I know just how you feel.’” She grins at the memory. “I was feeling like I was the worst parent in the world and turned out I wasn’t alone. Just knowing that made a world of difference.”

Becoming the Good Enough Parent: Taking Care of Yourself

Sleep Deprivation

 Exhaustion is not compatible with good parenting. Sleep deprived, worn out, adults can barely care for themselves let alone an active and needy child. Lack of sleep causes chemical imbalance and even temporary mental illness. Is it any wonder our ability to parent falls apart when we are tired? The good enough parent understands this and makes sleep a top priority. Let the housework go, eat toast and eggs for dinners, cancel the visiting company. Do whatever you can to erase serious sleep deficits. Even if it means hiring a babysitter when you feel you should be interacting with your child, find time to nap. Yes, it would be nice to have clean clothes to wear but not if it means you stay up when you should be sleeping.

Decide which sleeping arrangements give you the most sleep. For some parents, having their child sleep in a crib in their own separate room works best; for others, they obtain the most sleep when allowing their child to share a family bed. We used the family bed till I realized I was getting kicked more than I was sleeping. Instead, I taught my children to snuggle into sleeping bags on the floor near us when they felt they needed to sleep close by.

There is no single correct method, no perfect way. You will be the best parent if you get the most sleep.

Finding Time To Be An Adult

All of us had lives before we became parents. Though we worked hard, we found ways to relax, to express ourselves, and to relieve tension. Once we have children, we often throw away much of what was pleasurable in our old lives. I was so thrilled to be a mother it never dawned on me I shouldn’t practice parenthood every moment available. I felt guilty when I was listless, or when I resented the energy and the devotion my children seemed to require.

We do our children no favors when our lives revolve only around their needs. Whether you work outside the home or not, you need to find some way to refresh your spirit and remember what it feels like to be an adult. This may mean hiring a sitter while you escape for an hour’s walk several times a week, or it may mean joining a child care co-op which gives you time to work in the garden. It may mean signing up for a bible study group, biking down an inviting road, or having time to chat with an old friend.

The good enough parent understands we need relief from parenting. We cherish our time outside in the fresh air, with friends, or even just lovely solitude. We are better parents for having this time away from our children and we role model the importance of caring for our own mental health. We come back to our children renewed and ready to tackle the exhausting work of parenting.

Spousal Relations

Children are the joy of a relationship. They are also one of the chief causes of marital conflict and even divorce. Just as it is critical for each of us has time to feel like an adult, so is it important for us to take time to be a couple.

Sometimes it is hard for me to avoid speaking to my husband as if he simply another person to be scheduled and given instructions. I sound like a special agent running covert operations on a very strict timetable. Sometimes I have to remind myself to just stand still, shut up, and breathe. Catch my husband’s gaze and give him a grin if, for no other reason, then we are in this together.

Humor

There was our son, marching onstage at the end of the year concert. It was during the middle of the school day and I craned my neck to see if my husband had managed to escape from work for a quick appearance. Earlier in the day, our oldest son had hustled all the kids off to school while I was busy with one of our Jersey cows having trouble giving birth.

Apparently, the school had sent dress instructions home days ago but we had somehow missed it. Now, all those rows of children on stage with clean white shirts and dark pants or skirts. And there was our son. He had obviously dressed himself that morning and was brightly attired in a red shirt two sizes too big, floral shorts, and mismatched purple and red socks. He had on his favorite red boots. His face was grubby and he was beaming. I don’t know why but he had slung two thick leather belts across each shoulder. He resembled nothing so much as a young bandito marching home from a successful raid. I wasn’t dressed much better. There had been no time to change my grubby clothes and I’m sure I smelled faintly of manure.

In the old days, I might have wasted time feeling ashamed or inadequate. Clearly, if you noticed (and how could you not?) my ragtag boy up there, you would know what an inept mother I was.

 But now? We had done the best we could that day. Our youngest was proud he had dressed himself, his big brother had pitched in, and the newborn calf had been delivered successfully. Mark slid in a seat next to me and we held hands grinning and waving at Shen Bo as he stood among the mass of other elementary students. Our young man appeared not to notice his outfit was unlike any other on stage. He was proud and sang in a cheerful, loud voice. Did other parents raise their eyebrows? Probably. Did I care? Well, yes, but not enough that I missed the fun and bubbling joy of the children singing their hearts out on that concert stage.

Humor has saved us on many a day before and since. Hang on to your sense of humor. Raising children is serious business, but you have to laugh at yourself or you are sunk. Laughter is good medicine, the only all-purpose human antidote. It doesn't cure parental imperfections, but it can help wounded pride. Remember the parent’s prayer: “Dear Lord. If this is a test, please grade me on the curve. Amen.”

Forgiveness

By this, I mean forgiveness of yourself. I have done more wrong, stupid, and angry things as a parent than you can imagine. All I can do is try to be better the next day. It is one thing to review your blunders; it is another to be paralyzed with guilt over them. Give yourself a break. As long as you do your best to be a careful and responsible parent, you can relax and enjoy your work, your children, and your spouse. Don't blame yourself every time something goes wrong. You're not an inadequate or bad parent because your child isn't perfect. Give yourself a break.

Good Enough Parent: Advantages for Your Child

 When we back away from our attempts to be paragons, we give our children an incredible gift. A good enough parent recognizes this child will be a much better-adjusted adult if we don't terrify them with perfection, schedules, and a sense that a child must be constantly engaged in lessons, activities, and organized behaviors. Such children go on to create their own chaotic adult lives in imitation but not happy lives.

The other vital piece of being a good enough parent is revealing perfectionism is not a very worthwhile goal and that mistakes are normal, common and part of being human. Mistakes on our part allow us to acknowledge even adults screw up, we own such errors, apologize, and show how we can rectify, grow, and move on with recovery or forgiveness.

When researchers study babies and young children raised by ‘super parents’ they discovered something unexpected. These children suffered what clinicians called ‘baby burnout’. These children, often no older than three or four years of age, had a tremendous fear of failure. In daycare, these young ones were often afraid to try unfamiliar games or touch new toys. They were the ones most easily overwhelmed by changes in schedule. Everything had been always done for them. They had been raised like hothouse flowers and their creativity—their willingness to explore the unfamiliar-- was smothered as a result. Researchers noted they were unable to entertain themselves and often lacked self-esteem and confidence.

When we have frenetic schedules for our children and ourselves, we keep them from the discovery of simply being. They inhale our worry about doing everything just so and they become hesitant as well. Our children develop longer attention spans, not by being overwhelmed with a barrage of choices and toys, but by being challenged with simple toys and the time to create. By role modeling time for ourselves, we help our children understand everyone has value.

Learning is full of grace, opportunities, listening, and trying once more. Like families, the goal to decide what do we really care about? What brings us joy? What helps all of us—even the Mommy's and Daddy's—feel recharged, renewed, respected, relaxed, rewarded, rekindled? What grows a human, be he large or small…what flourishes that human so she may bloom to the benefit and joy of herself and for us all?

Role model then what really matters, how to discern what is fluff. How to promote gentle self-care, how to check in with one's self, how to be honest, how to understand that—in the grand scheme of things –it’s the small rhythm of the peaceful heart. Greatness can arise it's just more likely discovered in the quietest, well-rested child of delight.

Your child does not need to be in three sporting leagues, a dance class, piano, and Jazz band before is seven. Because what he will learn most from all this is that you found some part of his beautiful unique crafted self—a problem. He wasn't good enough and so major renovations were needed, just to keep up. Sometimes, they believe, you are rebuilding them to be worthy of love. Of course, you aren't. They came beautiful, wonderful, and full of grace and delight already.

But, in your hurry to give them every advantage—you accidentally took an important one away. This one was their sweet belief, their self-confidence, assurance, self-esteem. Because, where is Mommy and Daddy's anxiety coming from? Why are we running from the gym to the lesson unless—

Have you ever seen a 6-year-old begin to buckle, thinking they have already let their parents down? A young lady of that age said to me once. "I have a lot of extra classes after school. I don’t like the piano but the soccer's Ok. I just wish, sometimes, I get so tired, you know? I wished my Mom had a little girl who didn't need fixing. If I was somebody better…or THEY had someone better? Sometimes I pretend, I am smart or fast and no more lessons. I just wish I could and-- we just sit and play dolls after school, or we tell each other a story. Why couldn't I have been smart and then we could be like that?

When a child misunderstands and feels NOT GOOD ENOUGH, even though we sympatric adults are aware a parent adores their child and is only going to an activity which they wholesomely believe is enriching, fun, and advances their lively and bright child's body and brain. Yet we must recall, kids try to sort data just as we do. What's happening, why is this happening, and what have I done to cause it? Children are less inclined to speak their formulated thoughts and more inclined, given limited experience—to struggle--guessing in their own favor.

This is still another reason why life with children should move in slow motion. Time to observe, permit curiosity and a willing space to practice connecting thoughts. The Good Enough Parent believes conversation, inquiry, open questions vs closed (What do you think, how might we sort this, what kind of feelings do you have? vs simple Yes or no response questions (called "closed") that do not, so much, invite the mind in and overcome its shyness

SIDEBAR 1

How do we determine what is good enough? For each of us, this will be an individual matter. It may be something as small as worrying less about perfect meals, perfect laundry, or a perfect yard. It may mean that, as a family, you sit down together and:

•  Assess what you enjoy  
• Assess what is necessary 
• Throw away the rest

SIDEBAR 2

It helps to look, with a fresh eye, at all aspects of your daily life.

·        What are your family’s values, core needs, and hopes for the future?

·        Years later, what will you remember as the important times?

·        Do the children need each of their activities? How is it enriching each of you or is it simply making life a series of busy schedules?

·        Has each of you made time for what you truly enjoy? How have you ensured that each family member—adults included—is getting adequate sleep and ‘downtime’?

·        Do all family members (to the degree they can) share the necessary, but hard chores of home maintenance, meals, shopping, etc?

·        How many empty relationships with acquaintances, rather than true friends, do you work to maintain? Do you have friends who support you as a parent?

·        If you can afford to, what jobs can be delegated to hired help?

·        Does it matter if the laundry is less than perfect if the dust is thicker than you’d like?

·        If nothing else, remember: Simplify, laugh, and forgive.

SIDEBAR 3 Evidence your Child is Overburdened

1. Sleep Problems. Over fatigued, too wound up to fall asleep easily? Think of this as a child with too many responsibilities on his young shoulders, even if many are pleasant. Children may try to emulate familiar role models and parent—used to constant stress may miss signals.
2. Meltdowns, less communication, don't ignore that gut reaction something just isn't right with your child.
3. Have grades slipped, is there more sibling struggles, does the teacher notices the sparkle is gone? What is YOUR heart sense, your temperature taking of your child's feeling of peace, security, pace, care, and time?
4. Your child looks relieved when a practice must be cancelled, just WHO is this experience benefiting? Do you feel these activities beneficial? Have you checked your data? 

SIDEBAR 4 How to Decide on Activities for Your Child?

1. Why are you encouraging a particular activity for your child at this time? Is it because your child seems bored? Are they wearing you out? Are you anxious your child may need help to keep up with others of his age? Do you believe she is advanced & needs special stimulation? Are you worried regarding limited opportunities for physical activity? How will this time commitment alter family time, time to be together? Are there ways to accomplish these goals as a family unit?
2. Are you worried your child is shy, has few friends, acts awkward, sad, timid? Have you sought support and advice and considered the other ways your child may gain skills, and support—assessment, occupational therapy, parenting classes, brief counseling over options for your child and your entire family.
3. How will this impact you? Will it add still another duty on YOUR already busy and chaotic life? Another chore along with picking up groceries, calling the dentist, now driving Kayla to soccer and piano? See the complete equation—children need a rested, relaxed parent. Not JUST because such a parent is often more capable but because what is the gift you want to provide? The memory of how to live a whole life. Not a life lived running from appointment to task. A life LOVED. Children can make do without activities, that is not even perfection anyway. They can't grow into joy unless they learn to discern what is Good Enough—how to slow down and just BE! When you respect your time, you teach them this has a high value.
4.  After having shared this choice with your child, and your partner parent, pause again: is this the RIGHT time for such an experience? How have you decided, how have you prepared your child?
5. What are your OWN expectations if your child thrives, if your child balks strongly? What are your values here? Is it all right to sample, try? Is it important they MUST continue this, even if it ends up not suiting? A compromise somewhere in between? Helpful if you can plan and imagine this prior especially if your child has Social Anxiety/ Shyness, Sensory Processing, DCD or other diagnoses, Speak to their provider, counselor, or Occupational Therapist.
6. Has your child shown a passion or delight in an activity? Can the family fill this need or is the only route? Think options through.
7. Consider grade level: Grade 1 and below 1-2 playdates a week is about the maximum, noncompetitive, winning & losing doesn't even make sense yet. Grade 2: A few begin experimenting with music. Like dinner vegetables, a taste here and then there. Grade 3 often become sociable & 2 x week max team sports can be fun. Keep the parents silent-no coaching from sidelines Grade 5 and up delicate balance of interests, school, stress management. If doing well keep under 8 hours a week. It is not until Middle School that kids increase as high as 16 hrs/week but that depends on the child, school support. Keep all lines communication open. A parent, often both must work on their OWN stress management here and mirror it well s role models.

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Bettelheim, Bruno, PhD. Good Enough Parent: A Book on Child-Rearing, reprint edition. Vintage, 1988.

Crain, William. Reclaiming Childhood: Letting Children Be Children in Our Achievement-Oriented Society, second reprint. Owl Books, 2004.

Doherty, William J., PhD. Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times. Sorin Books, 2000.

Doherty, William J., PhD, and Barbara Carlson. Putting Family First: Successful Strategies for Reclaiming Family Life in a Hurry-Up World. Owl Books, 2002.

Elkind, David, PhD. The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, third reprint. Perseus Publishing, 2001.

Greenspon, Thomas S., PhD. Freeing Our Families from Perfectionism. Free Spirit Publishing, 2001.

Hirsh-Pasek, Kathy, PhD., et al. Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Our Children Really Learn—And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less. Rodale Books, 2003.

Kindlon, Dan, PhD. Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age. Miramax Books, 2001.

LeShan, Eda. When Your Child Drives You Crazy, reissue edition. St. Martin’s Mass Market, 1993.

Mead-Ferro, Muffy. Confessions of a Slacker Mom. De Capo Lifelong, 2004. Peterson, Gayle, PhD. An Easier Childbirth: A Mother’s Guide for Birthing Normally. Shadow and Light Publications, 1994.

Rosenfeld, Alvin, MD, and Nicole Wise. The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. St. Martin’s Press, 2001.

Sachs, Brad E., PhD. The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family and Be Perfectly Satisfied. Perennial Currents, 2001.

Sonja Steptoe, “Ready, Set, Relax!” Time 162, no. 17 (2003)

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Marybeth Lambe is a physician and writer. She raised her family on a small dairy farm near Seattle and now lives at Sparrow Hawk Farm in the snowy Cascade Mountains. Her children taught her much about parenting but she still finds ways to mess it up and must start all over again.