Helplessness and annihilation

Why does it impact so much?

This week I hurt my shoulder playing sport and was in so much pain that at some point, the only option I had was to go to the emergency department (ED).

Imagine, the pain was so severe in my chest area on the left side, that when I laid down and took a breath. I actually thought I was having a heart attack. 

And, as I sat in the ED at 3 am with feelings of despair accompanied by a sense of having very little control over this stabbing sensation that was only getting worse.

I couldn’t change or improve the situation regardless of my efforts which made me feel so helpless.

Helplessness carries such feelings of despair, isolation, fear, and confusion, often accompanied by a sense of having very little control over the circumstances. 

It manifests in various forms, as I experienced in ED, but also in the face of discrimination or in life-threatening situations.

Alleviating feelings of helplessness

The last few weeks of witnessing the violence and suffering in Israel/ Gaza have provoked feelings of helplessness for many.

For those most impacted, living in isolation, fear and confusion with no access to food, water or electricity. 

Annihilating the existence of each other seems to be the only solution to stop this terror or alleviate feelings of helplessness.

Moreover, the complex and deep-seated nature of this conflict leaves us feeling overwhelmed and uncertain.

This conviction is perhaps also based on the state of their internal objects or conflicts: Both nations are unable to maintain an internal image which is ‘good enough’ without it being overwhelmed or lost because of earlier negative introjections and annihilation.

In addition, I believe what we are experiencing in the transference of this situation is early, overwhelming abandonment, loss, and fury with the repetition of very early helplessness and hopelessness. 

Even, those not directly affected by these early figures or conflicts, with the constant exposure to distressing news and images are experiencing feelings of anxiety, stress, and trauma. 

This primitive, frightening and rejected hate or abandonment leaves anyone trying to empathise with those suffering feeling powerless, stuck and further intensifying feelings of helplessness.

Leaving many bystanders wondering how best to respond or who to support, especially if they lack the means to directly contribute to a resolution which also contributes to a sense of helplessness.

Safety, security & solidarity

The ‘good enough mothers’ are not particularly afraid of their own, or their child’s, anger and can be firm when they have to frustrate. 

They can do this because they have confidence in their basic goodness and capacity to care and give without having to hurt and retaliate for old hurts. 

These mothers have clearly been able to internalise relationships with the good objects in their lives and make them a solid part of their identity.

When such a relationship with a ‘good enough mother’ has not occurred or been adequate enough, the frightening helplessness of the tiny child remains or reappears when a loss is threatened. 

These repeated experiences or lack of sensitivity lead to rage, helplessness, and annihilation.

What I want to offer to those reading this is the idea of sitting with helplessness without rejecting, destroying, or devaluing the other. 

The ability to tolerate and not annihilate, good and bad, black and white, Jewish and Palestinians is an act of internal freedom.

Safety, security and solidarity are often found in connection and working through our helplessness or not knowing.

If you have been impacted directly by the conflict or have found yourself struggling with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness join Kinship a safe space this Friday. Register here

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