How to stop anger towards a spouse
Why do we seek partners and marry?
I encourage you to contemplate this. The answer to this simple question provides an explanation of how our partners become our frenemies when a relationship turns sour over time. We suffer until we find the correct answer to this fundamental question.
Some marry when they turn 30 because it is a societal norm to be in a relationship at a certain age. Some marry because they are lonely or are afraid to be alone, they seek companionship. Some marry because they want to feel loved. Some marry to have children. Some seek joy and happiness through the other. Some want to evolve and enjoy life together. I also got married to some expectations 16 years ago.
However, the sages of all ages teach us that the only correct motivation is to make another happy.
I know what you will say or rather scream - WHAT, WHAT ABOUT ME? What sort of nonsense is this? The ego is enraged right now.
Let's flip the table for a second. Imagine that your spouse married you to make you happy. How do you feel now? I bet this thought warms your heart. And now imagine that you align your motivation with his. It doesn't feel as dramatic anymore, right?
All suffering happens because of unmet expectations. We get upset when we don't get what we expect. And it doesn't matter whether it is an expectation for the trip to the supermarket or to the alter.
How do we rectify this conundrum? What do you do?
- Shift your focus from receiving to giving.
Once you do that your focus automatically shifts from yourself to your partner. You start to notice what makes them happy, comfortable, at ease, in joy, etc. You want to listen better, recall their likes and habits, tune into their hidden desires, focus on what is important to them. This is all from a simple shift of focus on how to make them happy.
This comes naturally to mothers of newborns and toddlers. She glows because she is single-pointedly focused on baby's happiness. Baby's happiness makes the mother happy. This requires an effort to retrain the mind to shift from our habitual focus on ourselves.
2. Give unequivocal trust and respect to your spouse.
You give your partner the power of absolute righteousness. Your partner just holds the mirror for you so that you can see your opportunities and virtues. If you don't trust your better half, it means that you don't trust half of yourself. You function half-way. When you trust your spouse, you trust yourself. Anger towards your spouse is always anger directed towards yourself.
What if he is a couch potato, financially irresponsible, yells at children, doesn't take care of his body, and so on?
Your angel spouse will continue to be not good enough for as long as you hide from your opportunities. They will continue to annoy until you see yourself in the mirror.
They might be showing your opportunity to become more proactive, shine your service mission and be compensated for the value you create, show greater resolve in dealing with your children, pay attention to your body and maybe go for a long-overdue physical, or take a break from constant forgetting and racing. It could be anything. I invite you to create a list of everything that annoys and angers you in your spouse and then honestly assess yourself. If you are struggling to see through this maze, write them in the comments and I will try to help you see the opportunity for growth for you.
3. Make your partner your spiritual teacher.
Designate them to the status of your guru and listen to them. When you listen to them attentively, you will start hearing yourself.
Very often we attract very difficult partnerships that help us see the honest truth in the mirror. They won't give us what we want - love, money, children, praise - in order to help us drop vanity and arrogance. Believe it or not, but the bigger is a woman's "crown", the higher she is on her self-made pedestal, the more prone to sickness are her children. And the spouse helps to tone her down out of love for her soul (unconsciously).
4. And all of this stops with the simple "OK", acceptance of "what is".
It is "OK" if he doesn't buy me flowers or expensive gifts. It is "OK" if he yells occasionally. If you take responsibility for what happens in your life, stop begrudging what isn't, and start making changes in yourself, the spouse will change, life will changes. They will gladly give you what you always wanted so much.
Accept that your spouse is your mailman. They are express delivery of whatever you give to others.
And here are a few DON'T.
- No need to sit down and discuss with them what you want to be changed for the million times. It doesn't work.
- Avoid gossip about somebody else's spouse. Bring couples together where possible. Excuse yourself from spouse bashing conversations even if it is with your best friend. You simply will create a wedge between you and your spouse if you do. Also, avoid tabloids and yellow press that indulges in celebrity splits, break up and infidelities.
- Forgive them for their mistakes. Be compassionate to your better half. When you are, you become like a strong goddess empowered by wisdom. You might need their forgiveness soon.
I invite you to continue the exploration of anger, the number one killer of happiness. More in "What secretly kills happiness?", "How to stop anger towards yourself?", "How to stop anger towards children?".
I am grateful to my mentors - Elena Tararina and Marina Selitski. Please, let me know if this resonates and stay tuned for more.
Live, love, lead with wisdom, and purpose.