In a Country where there are no jobs, this is the kind of RULES you get for the few available ones

Dear Employee,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
1) TRANSPORTATION: It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
2) LUNCH BREAK: Lunch break has been reviewed:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. 
3) SICK DAYS: All to note that we will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 
4) TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary. 
5) SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, we need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of the employment agreement. 
6) INTERNET USAGE:
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.  
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed through the internet, but you will bear the full cost of question and answer time as it will be deducted from your salary. 

Best regards,
HRD