Nine Days to 40 – Wife, mom, and me.

I had my first son when I was 25. He was perfect, I embraced being a mom. I also had to go back to work at a new job when he was six weeks old. I worked as a marketing and events director, the hours were insanity. I once pumped in a dark closet, shortly thereafter I resorted to pumping in the back of the parking lot in my car. I was told by a male co-worker that was gross. There was a lot of inequitable treatment in that job and I learned to act a bit hardened, and I started to stuff the mom me inside my thick outer shell. Never show those bleepers my ‘weakness’.

When I had my second son, reeling from my first real world job that felt so amazing and disgusting at the same time, I took time off to ‘stay home’. I wore fake crocs and chunky sweaters and stoked the wood stove. I enjoyed 8 months of being home with my kids and snuggling in every ounce of who they were and who they would become. But, if I’m honest, this wasn’t me. The snuggle part, was so me, but fake crocs, chunky sweaters and stoking a woodstove – hard no.

When my second son was 18 months old, I ached to get back to the professional life I had been so drawn to from the time I was in second grade. The truth is I never dreamed of being a mom, but my word did I dream of my career. I dreamed of it in the way I understand most little girls dream of their wedding day or their prom.

I found a job in PR, with more balance and less toxicity than I’d had 3 years prior. I evolved so much there, I grew professionally, my boss encouraged me to reach new heights and being a mom, a wife and a professional was okay. I earned my accreditation in public relations there, something I’d dreamed of since my first class with Bill Yates, APR at St. Joe’s. It was the kind of position, where I learned so much while also giving so much. It was the perfect stepping stone to the next phase of my career, I could step up, but there was a bit of a cushion on the way out.

It was here that I had Allyana Blake, the feisty little girl who made us fall in love in an instant, while knowing without a doubt we did not. Could not. Would not. Have more children. (I know there are some of you that feel me) When I was expecting Ally, I was diagnosed with a heart condition, I was born with extra electrical pathways and this is, apparently, not good. After staying home with Ally and the boys for a few months, during which time I sent my first baby off to Kindergarten, I was ready for my next career move.

Enter healthcare.

I’d worked in mental health prior, so healthcare wasn’t really new. But, it was in this life phase that I found my professional self. Not the person I imagined I’d be as a professional, but the person I now knew I wanted to be as a professional. I worked with YPLAA and other community organizations, I did what I consider to be really good work, and I loved it, and the people. I hosted a lot of events, my kids often in tow. They have become a rather superior event activation team, I would seriously hire two out of the three of them. It was here though, that I sat in a meeting that was supposed to end at 5 until 6:15, texting my sister under the table because I didn’t dare tell the two men I was meeting with that I had to go pick up my kids. It wasn’t them. It was me.

After three years, via some semblance of merger activity, I moved into the role where I did the work I’m absolutely the most proud of, that had the clearest impact. The brand I created remained after I left, and I still enjoy seeing the now not so new, vibrant colors that represent the people there and the work they do so well. My kids sacrificed a lot for that brand. I missed school concerts, teacher conferences and the like to meet with all of the physician owners to make it a reality over the course of a two month period. I did all of that, and launched a brand a month after my second heart surgery (do not recommend, take more time). But, it was worth it. It was hard but worth it, and I wouldn’t change it if I could. I learned so much there, I was given a lot there, but I had to move on eventually.

Here I am now, 9 months into a new job, in the middle of a pandemic, 9 days before my 40th birthday. And, if you’re wondering why I dragged you through this walk down memory lane, I do have a reason. I’m here, in a good place, in the middle of a pandemic (aww yeah). Days are still hard, but I have discovered something I hadn’t seen in my professional 2nd grade dreams. It’s me, doing my professional thing, doing meaningful work that lights my soul on fire, while requiring of myself that I never give up the mom or wife side of me again. I’m a mom and a wife always, just like I’m a professional, always. I bring my work home (especially now), but I also bring my family to work (not literally). There is no balance or separation – there is harmony. Unapologetic harmony.

I could never have arrived here without first experiencing everything else that came before. Every phase of your life is necessary, one informs the next. Every hard thing you endure allows you to conquer the next hard thing. And, even when it seems too hard there is always something that you can find to rest your head on. Will this harmony always feel perfect, of course not, but I know how to get back to it and that is really what I’m proud of as I head into this next decade.